Social Climbers By Marriage

My Caveman

In all my years of hobnobbing, I can easily say people who marry way above their social class tend to be the most god awful kind of company who tend to be a terribly judgmental, chameleon of a character, saying things like "Nouveau Riche" in all seriousness when criticizing someone for having a quirky flare. It doesn't matter if this annoying character was born in the slums, they have developed amnesia of any time before consistently getting massages at The Four Seasons.

I had the pleasure of recently dining with a high society couple, and the non birth entitled husband kept nagging at me, "Come on, Alicia, come out with us and party!" I knew this invitation was more about his amusement rather than loving my company. Get beer in me, and I turn into a sailor back at port after having spent a year in an underground submarine. Enthusiastic is an understatement, and I'm easily categorized as "love me or hate me." People who have a stick up their butt, choose the latter. They find me obnoxious, and my wit buzzes past them, so instead of laughing with me they like to laugh at me. Me and this guy don't have anything in common, and although he finds me funny, he thinks of it as a competition on who can be funnier. I immediately knew it was an invitation to be Frank-The-Tank party animal, so he could have a nice chuckle at how I am just a tick above cave man, so I gracefully declined. (It sounded something like this, "I do declare, my temples are throbbing with a headache, I must rest upon a pillow for the evening.")

I've heard the phrase "There is nothing worse than a drunk woman," a couple times throughout my life and it's usually dispensed after a lady chugs five drinks and lets all her emotional baggage erupt in a room full of people. This is the stupidest saying in existence because it's obvious that there are much worse things than a drunk women, like a pedophile for example, or a drunk child, that would be horrible and sad, or how about a road raging maniac who goes around yelling at people, throwing his middle finger out the window, that guy is pretty damn awful. Rich snobby people are pretty fucking terrible, considering themselves of a higher caliber really because they have a silver spoon shoved up their butt.

In contrast, a person who climbed the social ladder on their own accord, not through a wedding band, is the most delightful company, inclined to I-don't-give-a-fuck characteristics breaking rigid social norms. It's like Bill Clinton and his panache for sticking stogies up an interns twat, or Miley Cyrus' assertive tits making their presence known whenever Miley's face is out. There is a Hillbilly Strong pride that comes along with defying the odds, making it from ground zero to the heights of the World Trade Center by being determined and happy.
A couple weeks ago, we went out to celebrate at a fine dining restaurant. The intimate tables glistened with shining giant wine glasses and enormous silverware. The host led the way to our table, and realized he didn't know where the fuck he was going so we circled back to the host booth, and he sorted out where we were going to dine. As he brought us to the right table and sat us down he apologized profusely. I could give two shits if he took us on a tour of the parking lot before bringing us to the table, so after his seventh apology, I had to hold back my urge to punch him in is stomach so he'd stop groveling like a pathetic idiot. He was acting like he took a dump on fine china and passed it to us, saying it's the chef's special, not that he walked us 20 feet without an ending point.
It never came to physical violence because he finally ended his self degradation by offering to buy us a round of drinks. After the spectacle, I couldn't help but camp it up a bit, and act like a hoedown was about to begin. My reaction to act like the entire charade was beneath me only demonstrates my immaturity, but seriously, old soul or new soul, rich bitch or poor slob, no one wants to listen to someone yammering on about how your entitled to a better parade. Well, there is one kind of person who does, and he'd sulk and scathe, lapping in the shower of gratuitous apologies, because he's entitled to it, and has the ring to prove it.