Thoughtful Gifts

Saturday morning I drove to San Francisco for a class. I put on Ed Sheeren, to see what it was about. Well, I fell into a swoon, and decided I'd listen to him the entire drive back as well. Sheerens got to be dating a new Victoria Secret model a night.

Last Friday night I went on a Tinder date with a widower. I was surprised when he said "widower" because I'm always expecting divorced. So I tried to make him laugh a lot, and most of the time he reacted by saying, "What?" I don't know if he didn't get my sense of humor or had a hearing problem. Sometimes I'm so charmed by myself though, it's ok to be out with someone who popped three valium.

At the end of the night we stood in front of an 80's corvette, and he pointed to it, and asked, "Is this your car?" Then I had a great laugh, and pointed to my extremely sensible car park in the least sensible spot, the dark empty corner of the parking lot.

This week I had the sads and in retrospect it was probably from the music and being out late. I did listen to the Supermarket Flowers song quite a bit. If only there wasn't the "bleach asshole" reference in "New Man" or I'd buy the album for my dad for father's day. He'll be so flabbergasted, the entire album with be minimized to those two words, and he'll put it in a stack of never-to-be-heard-agains.

My dad has been known to binge on romance songs. Like when he drove my sister and her friends to Chico, and seeing their closed eyes, assumed they were asleep, and listened to Aerosmith's "I Don't Want to Miss A Thing," on repeat for an hour.

My mom and dad are lucky in love. We went out to dinner last weekend, and I ordered bacon wrapped scallops. After I tried one, I insisted they try them. My mom refused to, saying she couldn't possibly eat any scallops besides the one my dad makes for her because his are THE best.

My mom has similar mannerisms to Titus Andromidon so the flap of the hand and flip of the hair is worth pressing the request. She then told us about her favorite movie, Splendor in the Grass, and turned up the dramatics; her eyes welled up, she looked toward the sky shaking her head, with her hands pressed to her chest. Now I know what to buy her for Christmas.

Sarturday night I decided to stay in and watch Netflix. It's hard to fall asleep when the house is empty, and I was tempted to call someone to come over so I wouldn't be alone. Tinder is great to go out and meet people, but at the same time it is a way to avoid having to just get used to being alone. For someone who is so enamored by herself, I don't understand why I need a person next to me while I laugh at my own jokes.

I stayed strong, and fell asleep easily because I was really tired from a week of excessive dating. I woke up often from weird dreams. In one dream, I walked past the front door, and then someone started banging on it. I opened it to find a hysterical woman. In another, there were strangers walking around my house. After more anxiety dreams about being home alone, I dreamed about a tiger.

I read a tiger could symbolize a powerful problem or fear that I avoid confronting. I decided to sell the house for two reasons; It was never my idea of a long term location, and we have an empty lot behind us that has turned into a place for the wondering drug addicts and boozers to live. My neighbor recently told me I can knock on his door if I ever hear a bump in the night, and he'll take care of it. Then I told him, "Thanks, but I have my alarm system." and he said, "Ashley! An alarm system isn't going to shoot em'. I have my gun!"

He is a really nice guy, and doesn't seem phased when my kids ask him horrifyingly rude questions, like why he has no teeth, or why his belly is so big. But when I hear him yelling over the fence at the people in the empty lot, I think, "Oh Chuck, why are you riling them up?!"

This weekend, I'm turning 35. We are visiting my parents to have a little soiree, and get out of the heat. I feel much better today. Probably because I caught up on sleep, limiting myself to one date this week. We brought in the happy tunes on the car ride today, and listened to Florence Shake it Out a bunch of times. Then Kiki requested Kelly Clarkson's Christmas album, we stuck on Underneath The Tree for like twenty minutes. I think she knew I needed it. I'll consider it my birthday gift from her. Kids have a way of knowing what their parents want.

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