Smuggling Frozen Lasagnas

Last month I got in trouble for going into my ex-husband’s house when no one was home. I wasn’t going through their underwear drawer, I was saving my frozen lasagna from defrosting because my freezer stopped working. I was with my son who needed to get his cleats for practice. He used the keypad to get in, and I’d usually sit in the car, but I thought, if I don’t do this slightly invasive but perfectly harmless thing, my $15 lasagna is wasted. I’ve got enough food-waste guilt. I felt really uncomfortable when he made me walk upstairs with him to show me his hamster. I said, “I feel weird, let’s get out of here,” and right after we were back in the car, his dad’s girlfriend showed up. The timing was perfection.

At G’s practice, a text came in: “Please don’t go into our house when no one is there.”

I got ready to text-fight, but lost my passion after my reply, “Like I want to steal your HomeGoods bull-shit,” didn’t warrant a response.

My kids leave Wednesday for Italy, and they’re gone for two weeks. I hope their absence doesn’t send me into a depression, but rather a melancholic-creative zone of productivity. I haven’t been away from them for that long, and it’ll be way less abuzz around the house.

They’re going for their dad’s wedding. Who knows what compels someone to inconvenience everyone in their life by deciding to get married halfway around the world, but what’s the point of waxing over that now?

My kids’ dad had covid last month and he decided to quarantine twice as long as the CDC recommends, so the kids and I had a really long stretch of uninterrupted time together. I inevitably gained five pounds from constantly cooking food. When my kids are at their dad’s, I’m fueled on toast. It’s purely out of laziness. I don’t see any sense in dirtying plates when they’re away.

I’ve cooked proper-food-network-type of meals for my kids, but they’re so picky, its proven to be a total waste of time. Repeatedly. Last week, I boiled noodles and poured a jar of tomato sauce over it, and they reacted like I made a steak, mashed potatoes and a cherry pie. Such praise, and I didn’t even make them a side dish of toast. Really, they don’t like me to overthink things when it comes to their food.

I’ll miss their low expectations for dinner, my daughter's negative attitude and my son's impulsive insult-jokes resulting in some restriction that doesn’t seem to rattle him. My boyfriend and I will get to watch all the movies we’ve put off. We’re definitely caught up on TV shows. We're in the Second-Wave of the Golden-Age-of-Television and there’s a plethora of excellent mini-series! I wrote a friend of mine a few weeks ago, and couldn’t even list all the TV recommendations because it’s too much. We’ve watched Hacks, The Afterparty, Super Pumped, We Crashed, Candy, Pam and Tommy, The Dropout, I Love That For You, Russian Doll, and many more.

All of this while keeping up-to-date on all AEW storylines. Where do we find the time? I have no idea, but I think we could both use more sleep. We also watched the first two seasons of Killing Eve. It started off great; an exceptional first season. Once season two kicks off, it becomes clear we’re no longer in a cat-and-mouse thriller between an MI6 agent and an international assassin, but were watching some fifty-shades-of-grey-BS for the sex-deprived housewife. The story took a plunge into titillation, but it’s well acted by the two main leads. The suspense of season one, will Eve finally catch Villanelle, morphs in season two to, will Eve and Villanelle finally finger-bang each other while listening to Crimson and Clover? Erotic fiction has a purpose, and if it keeps women from going out and cheating on their partners or yelling at store managers, than titillate away, but I don’t need it.

Speaking of sexless marriages, I do wish my ex-husband all the best. I’m happy my kids have another loving home; a home I can rely on for for my kids’ stability and frozen lasagna relocation. I encouraged their dad to take the kids out for some one-on-two time to assure them he’s always got their back. The specific words I used, “They need to understand you’re in an alliance with them,” as I was engrossed by the latest reality TV show craze, #CircleFam.

The kids are excited, and I’m excited for them. They’re off to see the world, and I’m off to watch movies with my boyfriend whose made Killing Eve unessential viewing.