tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5815772025548683962024-03-26T07:03:13.060-07:00Bee PleaseI LMAO all day long, but it keeps coming back.
Here are my stories.Bee Pleasehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16248770471450702296noreply@blogger.comBlogger354125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-581577202554868396.post-6192099403565671182024-02-24T19:01:00.000-08:002024-02-24T22:30:40.766-08:00Pizza Swans<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEholKqmlyyNMoSODI5I-iwtsu8oNy8wUiG_GZLChIuIpb31g1N4MWH-gqcHq_UC9uQKxSS6GAXq5QnpPiTJaPHN6dY3k5YCrZBs7GidIm55MUlRZp_QZ90MwZFM7oJM3HRspKXj4adEZZ8qhJZi2eBgCrKtTHL3wK5oGQCt1cr2XjzXBWfThxQ6jY3b-8Q/s1080/Pizza%20Swans.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1080" data-original-width="1080" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEholKqmlyyNMoSODI5I-iwtsu8oNy8wUiG_GZLChIuIpb31g1N4MWH-gqcHq_UC9uQKxSS6GAXq5QnpPiTJaPHN6dY3k5YCrZBs7GidIm55MUlRZp_QZ90MwZFM7oJM3HRspKXj4adEZZ8qhJZi2eBgCrKtTHL3wK5oGQCt1cr2XjzXBWfThxQ6jY3b-8Q/s320/Pizza%20Swans.png" width="320" /></a></div><br /><p></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I started a new writing class, or I should call it writing clash. The teacher irritated me the moment he all-knowingly explained that billionaires have to be insane since they should have retired by the time they made 500 million. I rolled my eyes and muttered, “Oh great, my teacher is a lazy communist.”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">When he gave me notes on a script, he explained a friend told him the difference between a man who is a pedophile and a man who likes young women depends on when the girl goes through puberty. I felt like throwing the barf face emoji in the group chat. The teacher finished up the anecdote by saying, “If anyone needs to make this distinction, it’s not a good sign.” And I was thinking, “Then why did you just say all that shit?”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">What struck me as cosmic orchestration was that the next day, after I vented to everyone I knew about my teacher, a student in my class had a similar reaction to me. I was writing on the board and someone raised their hand and rudely said I was going to fast. I noticed they were on their phone so I said, it helps if you put your phone away, and they stuffed all their shit in their backpack and stormed out of class.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">It was awkward and I’ve never experienced a student having a bit of a stamping-their-foot moment in class before. I choose to ignore it, but only externally. In my brain, I was processing like mad. I was like my teacher was to me, to this student. Did she think I was an out-of-touch pedo-symathizer?</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">That night Netflix infiltrated my dreams. I dreamed I was on the show Love Is Blind and I followed another contestant who was drunk off her ass and distraught that her apartment was haunted by ghosts. When I walked into her room, the ghosts turned out to be other contestants dressed up in powdered wigs pretending to be ghosts. I jokingly threw up two middle fingers and said, “Hey sluts, suck on this.” Then someone said something like “finger-bang fingers,” and I replied, “These are butt-banging fingers.”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I woke up laughing but concerned. I need to find someone to have sex with before my brain caves in on itself. Most people get out of a relationship armed with evidence their ex-partner is a narcissist, but I get out of relationships even more convinced I am a narcissist. How can I still think you can have a purely sexual relationship with someone? I can’t explain this to my family because they don’t understand my situation. They’ll be appalled, maybe disgusted, when I announce, “I’ve decided to take on a lover.”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I started watching Feud: Capote vs. The Swans on Hulu, and the swans have given me the perspective that “Gurl, you better get yours!” They’re like Carrie, Samantha, and that’s it. Charlotte is too prudish and Miranda is not glamorous. In the last episode, it was disclosed that the fabulous Babe would have suitors drop in, and she’d dazzle them with her fashionable outfit before giving them an average roll in the sheets. She didn’t hold these guys to the same standards as her TV mogul husband, she liked a handsome food delivery man.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I could take a hint from the Swans, and ask the pizza delivery guy, but what if he became obsessed with me? It just seems unsafe. My narcissism, rearing its beautiful head.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I’m too old for Love is Blind, and too young for the Golden Bachelor, but reality TV wouldn’t serve me well. I'm an introvert who loves controlled attention, and I don’t drink which is the main ingredient to these storylines.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">If I did drink, I liken myself to Leah McSweeny from RHONY. I would annoy the shit out of everyone by being an obnoxious loudmouth after two glasses of wine but ultimately endear everyone with social schadenfreude after ending the night doing cartwheels naked across the lawn and launching tiki torches into the swimming pool like an Olympic javelin thrower.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I’ll just have to find this lover the old-fashioned way, praying to God that a man falls in my lap with his dick out and my pants off. There could be a small conversation. Maybe something sophisticated like, “Leave the pizza in the dining room, darling.” I will be cordial, not overtly nice, and I won’t be funny.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Next week, I’m going to class with a rewrite and I know my teacher won’t get it. I have my classmates though who I can glean an accurate reading of understanding and connection to the culture. I’m not getting caught up in the dramatics of my feelings because it could cause some type of mirrored disaster in my own classroom.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The moral of the story, emotions are for peasants, pizza is for sex, and sex saves lives.</p><p><br /></p>Bee Pleasehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16248770471450702296noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-581577202554868396.post-1167535410675802222024-01-04T14:09:00.000-08:002024-01-04T14:15:39.404-08:00My Garfunkel Era<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicz1BXSVmygVlRusg3gX3rbqSQimglCiDalvW0K7aKZb75CSf_xyp125pPk8wm6inaJVL3RxdQ2Cu533dXyrenKpY-JvBP_gRxiSz4L48w-qzFC_6uALhyphenhyphen13lZh4HszXSWIi2PFYiBFpk_PDTf2jVWNmsi5B4J654qybtbpE7vKTH5pVGvOU_CdZovrFI/s1080/My%20Garfunkel%20Era.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1080" data-original-width="1080" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicz1BXSVmygVlRusg3gX3rbqSQimglCiDalvW0K7aKZb75CSf_xyp125pPk8wm6inaJVL3RxdQ2Cu533dXyrenKpY-JvBP_gRxiSz4L48w-qzFC_6uALhyphenhyphen13lZh4HszXSWIi2PFYiBFpk_PDTf2jVWNmsi5B4J654qybtbpE7vKTH5pVGvOU_CdZovrFI/s320/My%20Garfunkel%20Era.png" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The kids and I drove to Tahoe for Christmas, and I played Simon and Garfunkel the entire drive. I love the happy songs they sing, and I laugh to myself every time I hear Garfunkel say, “Deep forest green.”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">At one point the kids started to bicker, and Kingsley who went to the doctor the day before for her 12-year-old wellness check boasted, “I am so happy to be vaccinated for meningitis.”</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Which infuriated Geoffrey, and made him say, “It’s not for certain… you could still get it.”</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Then she looked at me scared, and I said, “You can’t get it. Geoffrey leave her alone, and Kingsley stop bragging about your meningitis vaccination.”<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">We spent six nights at my parents’ house. The kids, the dog, and I shared a bedroom. My older brother was there too with his wife and five kids. My younger sister, who lives up the street, would come by after work, but her four kids were always with us. It was like a daycare center, commune, cult, whatever you call it when there are too many people in one house.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">What I miss most when I’m away from home is eating my food; tofu creations, cereal, and Top Ramen with an egg in it. When I’m at my parents I wake up and eat Ruffles potato chips all day long, and then eat whatever cafeteria-style meal has been prepared for dinner. They like to watch TV at volume level 98. What’s stopping them from going to 100 is unclear to me. At home, my kids and I watch TV at volume level 9, maybe we go up to level 14 when we’re eating chips.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I hope it doesn’t sound like I’m trashing my family. I love them, but we would just make for a really unhealthy cult, physically and mentally. I’m used to the big family dynamic, and I know it’s easiest to just go with the flow. This is where being a middle child serves me very well: sit back quietly, quiet is key, and watch the chaos. Like Garfunkel, step in only when completely necessary.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I generally stick around my mom, who seems unfazed and adds levity. As we headed to church for the second time on Christmas Eve, she said, “I’ll be so holy, you’ll be able to see through me.”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">By next Christmas, I’ll have amnesia, but when I pulled into the driveway of my house on December 26, I walked up my porch steps like Tim Robbins after escaping Shawshank State Penitentiary. The next day, the kids and I had our Christmas, and then they left to go on vacation with their dad.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I’ve been walking, reading, writing, and doing yoga. The dog follows me around the house, and when I put on my running shoes, he looks at me the same way I stared at the TV when I was a kid watching Mr. Rogers change his shoes, frozen with excitement about the upcoming journey.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I called my older sister while I was making Top Ramen. I found a jar of olives in the cabinet, excited I asked rhetorically, “Should I have olives too?”</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Always game, she said, “Hell yes!”</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I strained to open the lid and sounded like I was pushing out a baby. The lid wouldn’t budge. She knew I was going on a walk after I finished eating and suggested, “Take the olives with you on the walk, and when you pass a man ask him to open your jar for you.”</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I laughed but put the olives back for another day, maybe after I start lifting weights.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">On the walk, I ran into a neighbor I had been intentionally avoiding since he told me my garbage bin was too full, for the third time. I usually pretend I’m on the phone when I walk by him. However, going from the most intense social setting to the most mellow, I was up for some small talk. He asked where my kids were, and I told him they were on vacation. He asked, in seriousness, “You miss them?”</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I was reminded why I hated talking to him, and I said I had to go before the sun went down.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The yoga studio I go to has an amazing instructor. The first time I went last year, I was asked to join by a friend who warned me, “It’s sort of like a cult.”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">How did she know I would be drawn in? Hot yoga is an hour and a half of intense cardio, and some meditation in a room with the thermostat set at 98 degrees. The people in this class could easily do cross-fit, but we prefer the calming presence of our teacher, who like Mr. Rogers, tells us everything is exactly the way it is meant to be, and we are perfect.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">After yoga, my friend and I chatted in the parking lot. She started saying, “I’m not really into New Year’s resolutions…” and told me about wanting a career change for the upcoming year. I encouraged her to go for it, and said, “New Year’s resolutions, or not, it’s natural to make life plans around this time, everything is dead and it’s cold.”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I pointed to the leafless trees surrounding us in the gloomy gray parking lot. I love New Year’s resolution, it’s like a baby shower for the year. This is the fattest and saddest time of the year, and given all my downtime self-care, I’m feeling and looking pretty good. Plus, I'm vaccinated for meningitis! But, I want to be prepared for when everything comes back to life.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">My cousin and I had a fantastic two-hour conference call on New Year’s Eve to plan out our year. Then I typed out my list, printed it, and thumb-tacked it to the wall behind me. The list to me is like running shoes to the dog, it’s taking me places. Places like lunch, with my dad, who opened my olives for me.</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbhDwrWZ7PnAD28nxGyH1_Y7KZ4aAacTjwaUzgtrIpq2Ro2x-Vjb7y4TlB4U3VLfAN2TqdR7OzjIk6ipBaeY4AJq91zptSwMFsAJD9TmS0O40ArbmA_1TArtE0p7ksEHjwRuzqaYtVY5Vgk1Zm3VSncMTS9CfjfxN9_3C22u_u0F_U0YnKSfOJK-Gv2Ik/s4032/IMG_2392.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3024" data-original-width="4032" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbhDwrWZ7PnAD28nxGyH1_Y7KZ4aAacTjwaUzgtrIpq2Ro2x-Vjb7y4TlB4U3VLfAN2TqdR7OzjIk6ipBaeY4AJq91zptSwMFsAJD9TmS0O40ArbmA_1TArtE0p7ksEHjwRuzqaYtVY5Vgk1Zm3VSncMTS9CfjfxN9_3C22u_u0F_U0YnKSfOJK-Gv2Ik/s320/IMG_2392.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><br /><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p>Bee Pleasehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16248770471450702296noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-581577202554868396.post-38749239382321802482023-12-11T17:35:00.000-08:002023-12-11T17:45:23.337-08:00Brain Computer Chip<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhPnq7VwuTxvyv0hL9zBsmgQI__rIPNdvtUPlSdVd5ov_fnOlBX-tKrs4S-GlPl68x4AMH2BVx6kZ6_BSOSgAX2wBpY0amhLzsoXrOHOayEJsQugBS1dRGOrTBsQNwU8E6u4p9C97Uqwvt3v7RugvB05GVpsKgB8WR0DeGVTlZ8hm1PuUTRxInCazmKWB4/s1080/Brain-Computer%20Chip.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1080" data-original-width="1080" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhPnq7VwuTxvyv0hL9zBsmgQI__rIPNdvtUPlSdVd5ov_fnOlBX-tKrs4S-GlPl68x4AMH2BVx6kZ6_BSOSgAX2wBpY0amhLzsoXrOHOayEJsQugBS1dRGOrTBsQNwU8E6u4p9C97Uqwvt3v7RugvB05GVpsKgB8WR0DeGVTlZ8hm1PuUTRxInCazmKWB4/s320/Brain-Computer%20Chip.png" width="320" /></a></div><p><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue";">At night, when we’re going to bed, Kiki lies next to me and talks. She’ll talk about anything; like Tetris, a new thought drops, and she’ll share it. I nod off, exhausted, going in and out of consciousness, but I try hard to listen. When she pauses, I say, “I love you, now let’s go to sleep.”</span><span class="Apple-converted-space" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue";"> </span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Her glistening eyes stay fixed on the ceiling as she tries to make all these thoughts fit together, and she says, “Just ten more minutes Mom.”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I wake up early drink coffee and write in my journal in the living room. I hear Geoffrey wake up because he wraps a blanket around him and it drags down the hallway, like a king’s cape. He sits next to me on the couch and starts to chat. Similar to his sister the night before, I can see in his eyes the thoughts coming in. I’ve had a couple of cups of coffee, so I’m more conversational.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Geoffrey is a visionary, a man of tomorrow. These morning discussions I make promises like, ‘If you don’t move to Mars when you grow up, I’ll take care of your children, so you and your partner can work full-time.”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">He’ll argue a case for why I should buy a cyber-truck, and ask me if I plan on buying a house in the same gated community as his dad, so he can ride a bike between our homes. I look at him, my thick morning hair ratted like a cave woman, and sip from my “rise and fucking shine” coffee mug, and reassure him, “I’m working on it.”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">He asked me if I believed we were living in a simulation, and I judgmentally told him, “I don’t like you watching YouTube.”<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">He asked, “What if I'm controlling everything around me with my mind?”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I wanted to say, “If that is true then could you take care of a few people for me… just have them go peacefully in the night?” Instead, I said, “We need to go see Great Grandma Jackie because maybe you’ve lost sight of the ancestral chain that goes back… forever.”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">He groaned when I added, “We should go to church more.”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I didn’t shut down his delusions of grandeur because I like how he’s demonstrating an interest in philosophy. It shows that despite my fear that my kids’ brains are prey to the all-consuming predator that is “Online Media Retention,” they do in fact, sit in thought.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I read Brave New World last week after Geoffrey said, “I can’t wait till we all have computer chips in our heads.”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I asked him, “If we all have the same intelligence, who will be the innovators, and who will be the people who vacuum the poop out of the Port-o-Potties?”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">He was stumped. So I thought I’d test him, and I said, “Maybe it would be better to give the intelligence only to some people,” and thank goodness, he thought that was a bad idea.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I’m glad I read the book before reading it to the kids because I forgot all about “Chase the Zipper” and how Huxley theorized everyone would turn into detached sluts from the desensitization of sex. Quite the contrary has happened, and young people can’t even be bothered.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Huxley was right about the pharmacological revolution, and by conditioning people to feel shame when they’re unhappy Soma became another essential food group.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I can’t have a computer chip in my head because of my depraved thoughts, thoughts that I have no control over. I would be thrown in jail the moment the chip was implanted, and when I explain to the thought police (different book, same genre) that I don’t believe these thoughts, they just show up to make me feel like a bad person, they’d throw away the key. It’s a shame, I could be limitless with that computer chip.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Every parent hopes their kids have the intellectual aptitude to get into a great university and make a positive difference in the world. We're too far off from brain-computer chips to change the current college landscape, but after this week when the IVY league school presidents went on an antisemite rampage, they relieved a lot of pressure that these schools are a pinnacle in academic ambition.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The reality is that for a student to get into an elite university, they would have had to spend their teenage years creating a contrived resume. They enter institutions of higher learning with burnout and a robotic mindset. They don’t need a computer-chip brain, they already gave themselves one. Now all they need is a lifetime supply of Soma.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I teach at a state university. It is not a prestigious school, but I value and enjoy my students. It’s finals week, so part of my morning was fielding emails from people who dropped the ball ten weeks ago, and want another chance. The situations can rip out my heartstrings, but I have to be robotic in my assessment of these situations, and honest, they can always do better next time.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">After that, I Googled “Was Steve Jobs a devil worshipper?” It was a legitimate question after I saw an advertisement including the pricing for his first Apple computer. An hour investigating and I didn’t get an answer, but I stumbled upon a lot of weird people’s theories of the world.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">It was an enjoyable time. I need a night and a morning to make sense of it all.</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p>Bee Pleasehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16248770471450702296noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-581577202554868396.post-87627989125206992822023-11-21T20:36:00.000-08:002023-11-22T06:01:00.298-08:00That Guy In The Whale<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYTZl6h_nxq5R_YoaRuqE4r7jVinPNei-GAcU5BZU48k9ArRVfGjuNOy6YRY-7DIFkZC80HKPYfOQpfe6zgyia-5OFkM11rsThNr7SQzGaGEZ6KqggQmAXGfkwPx92PZjN8yuUuQlTGZw9lA__Rgdf8_Od68j0IIPPmNDibezCZ735skh66fGR1J5cWSw/s1080/The%20Whale.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1080" data-original-width="1080" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYTZl6h_nxq5R_YoaRuqE4r7jVinPNei-GAcU5BZU48k9ArRVfGjuNOy6YRY-7DIFkZC80HKPYfOQpfe6zgyia-5OFkM11rsThNr7SQzGaGEZ6KqggQmAXGfkwPx92PZjN8yuUuQlTGZw9lA__Rgdf8_Od68j0IIPPmNDibezCZ735skh66fGR1J5cWSw/s320/The%20Whale.png" width="320" /></a></div><p><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue";">I never watched the movie “The Whale,” but I think the moral of the story is don’t replace sex with food, or you will get too fat to fit through your front door and will be trapped forever. In contrast to Repunzal though, who wistfully combs her hair while anticipating her prince’s arrival, the post-virginal and whale-size ensures that no suitor will post up outside your house holding up a boom box.</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">What’s a gal to do? True Crime shows sprinkled with HIV commercials have the power to turn any sex-positive woman’s attitude into “fine for them,” but harboring a Victorian personal stance.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I avoid the looming threat of enormity by going on a walk with my dog, a psychotic barker. I leave his poo bag on the same curb when I go on the uphill part. On Monday there was a post-it note taped to the bag that said, “Dear Dog Owner, please don’t leave your bag of dog poop on our property.”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I was offended at first, and thought, “What a miserable a-hole, I always pick this bag up on my way home.” So the next day, I left it on the curb in front of the house next door. As I was getting closer to my house I remembered, “Oh my gosh, I forgot the poop.”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I found myself immersed in a vivid montage, recalling countless instances of strolling down the hill, the poo bag in sight. Suddenly, my sister's call interrupted my thoughts, and I picked up the phone, "Biiiiiitch." Lost in her captivating story about a coworker bringing her child's homework packet to work, only to realize it had to be in the child's handwriting, I continued my walk, completely oblivious to the forgotten bag.</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Now I carry the poop with me the entire time, and I forgave myself for hating the person who rightfully put the Post-it onto my poop.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I heard Peter Thiel give a brilliant response to a question in an interview. When asked, “What is a mistake you regret in your career.” He simply replied, “I do not dwell on failure, so I will not answer that question.”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I was like, “Yes bitch,” and adopted it into my life. I also learned another lovely trick to get your brain right. I went to the Austin Film Festival at the end of October and heard an amazing screenwriter explain the challenges of negative self-talk, she said when the nagging voice comes into your head that’s trying to slash your confidence, you picture a red chair, and then tell that voice, “I hear you, but you need to take a seat. We're not going to do that right now.”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">This works, and then I heard Cheryl Strayed say a very similar thing in an interview within the week. I was like, “How does everyone know this but me?”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">As a parent, I’m compelled to impart any seed of wisdom onto my children, so I told Kingsley, and she asked me, “Why is the chair red?” I had no idea.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">My parents watched my kids when I went to Austin. They went on independent study, and Geoffrey finished his three days’ worth of work in one hour, but Kingsley told me she would do it on her trip. Well, her report card came out, and she has not been doing her work. I told my dad, and he said, “You need to tell her to stop crying and do her homework!”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">My sister told me her daughter received a bad report card. I said, “Throw it in the trash. A first grader doesn’t get a bad report card.”<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">It’s a miracle that kids today can make it through the public school system without getting low self-esteem. I didn’t go to a notable elementary, middle, or high school, and I have maybe two memories of doing homework. It was a problem when I went to college and realized you have to do work, but I didn’t have report cards which led me to believe I wouldn’t be able to understand once I started doing it.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">My daughter’s “homework” is a lesson on organizational systems. She has six classes, and usually three homework tasks that are ten to twenty minutes each, some are on the Chrome book and some are on handouts. Could she possibly be solidifying, strengthening, and deepening her knowledge in those ten minutes? No, she is being taught how to use a calendar, and folders and turn meaningless assignments in for credit.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I don’t convey this to her, but I sympathize with her because I understand why she finds it to be such a complete waste of time.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">She is too old for me to throw her report card away, and tell her to keep on reading her books because she will be fine as long as she does that. No, she saw it, and I had to then impart to her the wisdom I learned from Peter Thiel, “Bitch, that report card is in the past, so don’t worry about it.” Then I added my dad’s sentiment, “But stop crying, and do your homework.”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I bought Kiki a sweatshirt on Temu that says “I’m not clumsy, the walls are out to get me” because she tends to walk into the railing, walk off of curbs, or straight into a wall. This happened the other day. She was leaving the kitchen and somehow got the math wrong, and half her body hit the door jam. She hit her forehead and was crying.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I imparted some of my wisdom. Like the broken refrigerator in my kitchen, warm and empty, I hugged her and pet her hair, as I said, “Kiki, this is all in your brain, just tell yourself it doesn’t hurt.”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Yes, my piece of shit refrigerator is broken again. So we keep all of our groceries in a wine fridge. It works just the same and has the added benefit of making it impossible to shop in such a way that I could get as big as that guy in the movie The Whale, played by Oscar-winner Brendan Fraser.</p>Bee Pleasehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16248770471450702296noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-581577202554868396.post-1535316229211334192023-10-17T19:45:00.007-07:002023-10-17T19:51:55.004-07:00Cloudbusting<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiXDtupw-C5pCiCyGdjOcGmCgomy-6fEIVvZL0tv-0Bgc0XX0g2hhV_CaSGGmI4PFbwp1Ikx9hST2X5k4ENkOJId58Vl2UbLWnCdKUR7qlY1P7AxX3kZKXRaIhZkgYqFhjfqpwAsIqwZhWUNiLCH8Yc-rTvxq9qgzopoOtCB9aX2ZwRfxKf1QVIQnj8Dm8/s1080/Cloudbusting.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1080" data-original-width="1080" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiXDtupw-C5pCiCyGdjOcGmCgomy-6fEIVvZL0tv-0Bgc0XX0g2hhV_CaSGGmI4PFbwp1Ikx9hST2X5k4ENkOJId58Vl2UbLWnCdKUR7qlY1P7AxX3kZKXRaIhZkgYqFhjfqpwAsIqwZhWUNiLCH8Yc-rTvxq9qgzopoOtCB9aX2ZwRfxKf1QVIQnj8Dm8/s320/Cloudbusting.png" width="320" /></a></div><p></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">As my car inched down the freeway, I seriously regretted chugging two glasses of water before I left. I had to pee so bad it was making me feel like I could throw up. I had the urge to send a text to the person I talked to every day for the last four years, but I knew I couldn’t because we broke up.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">In my twenties, I had my birth chart done. It’s a life horoscope based on the date, time, and location of birth. I hate to break it to anyone born in Los Angeles at 4:30 on June 26, 1982, but relationships' outlook was pretty bleak. I believe it said, to expect to find your love companion in 2040.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">It didn’t say I wouldn’t try, I believe it said there would be many attempts. I’m unashamedly like Elizabeth Taylor, but with the sense to not marry every man who goes down on me. Instead, I just feel utterly indebted.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">This was a very hard decision, and it’s been a sad time. I look at the past few years with the same perspective as examining a Reversible Image picture. Like you look at it one way, and you see an old lady, and you look at it another way and you see a young girl. I can look back and see such amazing moments, so intimate and funny, but the picture of what led me to this point is not apparent. The absence of that can send immediate distress, but I just have to close one eye and cock my head to the left (metaphorically) and find the other image.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The internal debate was strong at the beginning. I had two lawyers deliberating my decision. Let’s call one Marsha Marsha Marsha Clark and the other one Johnny Cockram. Marsha Marsha Marsha was defending my decision, and Johnny Cockram was poking holes in it every chance he could.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I was worried I’d isolate and give these lawyers too much time, but I have a bunch of friends, 2 sisters, 2 brothers, 20 cousins, 14 aunts and uncles, and like a million nieces and nephews. There’s always a wedding, baptism, baby shower, retirement party, or some other celebration happening.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I was talking on the phone to my mom when I was walking the dog, and she told me that for Christmas she is buying everyone this plunger choking device. When she described the product she gave a monologue that sounded word for word like a commercial. She explained how many people die each year from choking and described how an EMT saved a young kid’s life. I told her, “Mom, I think you’ve been brainwashed by your Fox News commercials. Now they’re using their fear tactics to sell you things.”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">She told me I was wrong. Anyone who has a loved one who is a Fox News devotee hears this often. After I was home, and tidying up around the house, I thought, “Maybe I should get the choking plunger! I probably should have it here in case I’m choking and alone!”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I was grateful for my mom looking out, and now I can be even more grateful for her tracking me on my phone because if I go missing she’ll be the first to know.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Music can be a band-aid or a nice rubbing of salt in the wound. My playlist is an emotional minefield right now. And I can walk into the store, or be lying in the dentist’s chair and a song will start playing that brings up very vivid memories. It’s important in these moments to remind myself, this is a coincidence, not a sign from the universe.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I was sitting with Kiki in the car and she started singing “Running Up That Hill,” and I was thrown. When I asked her how she knew a Kate Bush song from 1985, she told me, “It’s not old… It’s on Stranger Things.”</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I started listening to Kate Bush, and what a glorious band-aid. <i>Babooshka</i> is an elevated <i>Do You Like Piña Coladas</i> song, and <i>Cloudbusting </i>is awesome, can there be a better song? I played Kiki <i>Wuthering Heights</i> and she looked shocked. I told her, “Yes, this is some weird shit, but if you listen to it a few more times, you’ll see it’s pretty brilliant."</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I was scared to tell the kids. I thought I could handle it like how I was going to handle our cat disappearing last summer (but she miraculously turned back up after two weeks) and put off this conversation by continuing to tell them he’s traveling when they’re home. My parents came into town to help me take a bunch of stuff to the dump, and when I told them this plan, they told me that it was a terrible idea and that my kids would think it was weird that I had lied to them.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">So, I sucked it up and told them. They were sad. They said, “I can’t believe you’re getting divorced again.”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I told them, “It’s technically not a divorce.”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Geoffrey told me he wanted to go running, so we set out on a run, and he asked me questions about it. He asked, “Why didn’t you talk to him?”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I assured him, I didn’t not try. Geoffrey knows I’m a hard worker, but he doesn’t know I do my best learning on the job.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I don’t actually believe in horoscopes. I read them for fun. My monthly horoscope for September said I would get a big sum of money mid-month. It lied. I literally wrote in my journal, “Fuck my horoscope.”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I’ll still read my November horoscope because it’s nice to feel like something good is going to happen, and even if it doesn't happen in November, 2040 is on the distant horizon.</p>Bee Pleasehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16248770471450702296noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-581577202554868396.post-50660496442850204152023-10-06T17:33:00.001-07:002023-10-06T17:33:09.823-07:00Too much Temu<p><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue";"><br /></span></p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgk7Oy84zzhG9HE5zhj12suV6TjPlONHRncrT9kkhI4vbwop-7sVZ0-ucrtNvqGoowvF5iYaNNPtFtZeD15BKX2P_2WAr2SJoGRScSgPapOsWjgLcYHiC6FOM5Uq8ga5Q2PXTKPAwP_k-fxfBlBOIgrERe4WimGHQnVkY5iiLqKuGSjYywbFGcEN-W44rE/s1080/T.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1080" data-original-width="1080" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgk7Oy84zzhG9HE5zhj12suV6TjPlONHRncrT9kkhI4vbwop-7sVZ0-ucrtNvqGoowvF5iYaNNPtFtZeD15BKX2P_2WAr2SJoGRScSgPapOsWjgLcYHiC6FOM5Uq8ga5Q2PXTKPAwP_k-fxfBlBOIgrERe4WimGHQnVkY5iiLqKuGSjYywbFGcEN-W44rE/s320/T.png" width="320" /></a></div><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue";"><p><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue";"><br /></span></p>With Kiki getting braces last week, and then getting a cell phone for her birthday this week, Geoffrey has had it up to here with his sister being the toast of the town. If he slams his bedroom door shut one more time, I think I might have a heart attack.</span><span class="Apple-converted-space" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue";"> </span><p></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">His brain is short-circuiting, and as a co-parent, I have the privilege of blaming this on the other household. I hypothesize he’s not getting enough sleep because when he gets here, he has deep lines under his eyes just like a sleepy character in a comic strip. His exhaustion, and erratic mood, corrects itself over the time he’s with me since we’re going to bed at eight, but that first day or two can be rough.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">This week it happens every time his sister says something that includes “my new phone,” which is often, but last week it had to do with Temu. Temu, the new sensation of our house, started out as great fun. We found the best deals, and I’m convinced they sell some of the same beauty products you find at Ulta/Sephora because Kiki found Lip Oil on Temu for $3, and we went to Ultra and it was the exact same bottle, label and all, on the $40 Dior Lip Oil.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Geoffrey started browsing on Temu, and his adrenaline spiked. The countdown timer and the deals were giving him the same feeling James Holzhauer gets when he steps on a casino floor. What made him addicted to the app was when it said, if you ask someone to join, you will get $100 in free merchandise. He picked out a robot vacuum, Switch controllers, and more after he sent requests out from my phone. He then had the 24-hour countdown on his mind and needed to check the app incessantly and call my family to see that they joined after he texted them the link.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">A shady thing happened, after each person he asked signed up, there were three, he was always a few points shy of getting his free stuff. It’s a mean marketing tactic, where G was left chasing the dragon. He’s a kid, and can’t accept when an ad says they’re going to give you a bunch of free stuff, it is most likely bullshit.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">He took this poorly, and instead of saying, “I’m really frustrated because my hopes were high I was getting a treasure trove, and I can’t believe anything Temu says,” he decided he’d slam his bedroom door, and throw things.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">This is Uber-disturbing because he’s not processing his thoughts in a productive way, and he is taking any uncomfortable emotion, and assigning it straight to rage. I’ll keep talking to him about this, but until this gets straightened out with maturity and discussion, I will just blame it on the lack of sleep he gets at his dad’s house.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I love how Geoffrey gets so invested. He’s a big dreamer and goes all in. I know how he’ll recover from the trauma of his sister getting a cell phone, he’ll convince himself an even better phone is coming to him very soon. It started last night when we went to bed, he asked, “Mom, are you sure Santa is real?”<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Then he told me about a book Bridge to Terabithia, and how he was skeptical, but if Santa is real, he’s bringing him an iPhone 15 for Christmas.</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I’m a big dreamer like Geoffrey, and it can lead me into some questionable places, where if I don’t keep my head on, I can float away into a fairytale based on modern mysticism.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">In January, I was binging Jack Canfield's content and reading Think and Grow Rich, so I started a mastermind group with my cousin. In our last meeting, we pointed out how much we’ve accomplished this year. Then she told me about the new car she bought after starting her new job, and said, “Alicia, it has 18 cupholders! I feel like I’m driving a small rocket ship.”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Life coaches, like Canfield, hold seminars that vary in intensity from hand-holding hippie sound baths, to sequestered in a hotel conference room for three days with little sleep and hydration. My older sister attended the latter and is the only person I know who found a self-help retreat to be torturous and complete bullshit. She felt duped, just as Geoffrey had been by Temu.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">My sister went with my little brother, and they were separated upon arrival. At one point the group had to give speeches about what they would do if they had ten million dollars. My sister infuriated the life coach by simply stating in her speech, “If I won ten million dollars, I wouldn’t tell anyone.”<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">She sat down, and the coach pressed her, saying “Not telling anyone isn’t an option, give another speech about what you would do with ten million dollars.”<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">She doubled down, “All these people will be broke in a few years, and I’m still going to be rich because I didn’t go blabbing my mouth about it.”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">She knew the tactics used by the life coach were cultish. He had everyone disclose their darkest secrets, this was mostly childhood trauma, and when it came to her turn to share, she felt like a kid in a confession booth, and just made something up about being mean to one of her siblings. I was horrified but laughing when she said, “I shit you not, at one point they had us stand in a circle and wanted everyone to kiss. It was disgusting.”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">After a final messy argument, the weekend ended with my sister and her life coach being enemies for life.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">My sister is sensible. She’s not going to let false impersonations of rolling around in money like you’ve just fucked Woody Harrelson for a one-time fee keep her from staying grounded.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I remember when I had the audiobook playing Think and Grow Rich, and Geoffrey came in. He heard the promise of money and was hooked. He grabbed a notepad and started taking notes. I stopped whatever it was I was doing, and thought, that’s a great idea. I should be taking notes too.</p>Bee Pleasehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16248770471450702296noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-581577202554868396.post-47401678561455310472023-09-25T16:08:00.000-07:002023-09-25T16:08:57.781-07:00Cinnamon Roll Awakening<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxsPU5_pC9hGMvEW6qqYzKBThJCA2x-abUlKUq2NJmPkIH0nR8CdvT1fFRtc8Znq8BNvSH6ONfu7YxQoa4k09G15WbzNAyQ9LeAYVw9CNR3_J2l05Ry-Hf5ujtJrIFmyLNWmpEuKOX6VXPld2lRQ1YSTaxtxWoN8-k7ZbhYhA-yJgo6ZsmsaVFtuO1-G0/s1080/Cinnamon%20Roll%20Awakening.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1080" data-original-width="1080" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxsPU5_pC9hGMvEW6qqYzKBThJCA2x-abUlKUq2NJmPkIH0nR8CdvT1fFRtc8Znq8BNvSH6ONfu7YxQoa4k09G15WbzNAyQ9LeAYVw9CNR3_J2l05Ry-Hf5ujtJrIFmyLNWmpEuKOX6VXPld2lRQ1YSTaxtxWoN8-k7ZbhYhA-yJgo6ZsmsaVFtuO1-G0/s320/Cinnamon%20Roll%20Awakening.png" width="320" /></a></div><p></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>At the beginning of summer, I took the kids to a megachurch in the neighborhood, just for fun. I was curious about these places that treat church like a big rock concert. The pastor started his sermon with a question. He asked, “Does anyone feel like they’re becoming more introverted with age?”</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>My twelve-year-old daughter raised her hand. It was the only connection we had with the service. Even the barbecue afterward was lackluster, in desperate need of Lawry's seasoning salt.</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Kiki might feel like an introvert at school, but she’s very much an extrovert around her family. She walks around singing songs she makes up. She sang me a song, and I didn’t catch on she was making fun of me till she hit the chorus. Titled “Mom’s not Miss America” the song started with <i>She has pimples on her chin, coffee stained teeth, and wears chunky glasses </i>then moved into <i>Mom’s not Miss America</i>, and one complimentary line about me being nice. It was as offensive as that “Happy for the rest of our life/Make an ugly woman your wife” song.</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>I generally think all her songs are funny. The other day, she was singing, “Satan is your boyfriend.” And I thought, how clever, she’s just like Taylor Swift, not worried about saying negative things and calling someone out for being rude, and here she’s likened an asshole to having satan as their boyfriend. I told her as much, and she said, “It’s actually <i>Satan is my boyfriend</i>.”<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>I told her I didn’t like the song anymore, and she laughed and walked away.</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>I get a lot of spiritual fulfillment from yoga. The lady whose class I attend, Dina, is a certifiable whack-a-doo, like when she shouts to the class, “You’re so sensual,” as we move our pelvis up and down into bridge pose, but she’s incredibly good at her job, which ultimately is to make you feel good about yourself.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>She reminded us about Scream Therapy, which I hadn’t practiced since I was in my last year of college, and my little sister and I were spending a weekend together and felt the weight of a lot of stress so we’d count down from three and scream at the top of our lungs while we were driving around in the car.</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>I tried it with the kids. Kiki seemed to like it, but Geoffrey refused to do it, and he looked at me like I was a certifiable whack-a-doo. Geoffrey is not as much of a hippie as the rest of us.</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>I was at the library and saw the book Jonathan Livingston Seagull, so I checked it out, thinking, “Great, now I can see what all the rage was about.”<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>As I closed the cover after reading the final page of the book, I gave the look that Geoffrey gave me after scream therapy, and thought, “No wonder hippies get trapped by cults so easily.”<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Kiki, the introvert at school and extrovert at home, asked, “When will you tell me what sex is?”</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>I said, “I’m still figuring out what to say, but I’ll do it soon.”<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>When I was in sixth grade I watched a cartoon about sex and reproduction. I didn’t watch it at school, I watched it at home because, believe it or not, my mom was a sex-ed teacher. She must have just pushed her lesson plan into our household because we didn’t get a sit-down discussion on the birds and the bees, we got a VHS.</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>My school sex education started in seventh grade. My teacher started the lesson by propping open the door and making us scream, “Penis, Penis, Penis. Vagina, Vagina, Vagina.”<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>All I remember beyond that was a woman with AIDs came to talk to the class. The only reason I remember that is because my mom talked to the principal afterward. I came home and asked my mom what the lady meant when she said her boyfriend and her were “eating leftovers” when they had sex because they use saran wrap. This probably made my teacher hate me, even though I didn’t do it to get her in trouble, I only did it because I felt like I was the only person not in on the big joke. Anyway, my mom’s not going to let someone’s terminal illness (at the time) be an excuse for having inappropriate jokes when headlining the seventh-grade classroom sex-ed show.</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>The next phase of sex education came freshman year of high school. This one was much more effective, for me at least, because I had a better idea of the mechanics of it all. The teacher followed up her definition of sex with a slide show of herpes-infected vaginas and penises. My mom had no complaints.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Our last weekend of summer we went to Tahoe. I had been craving a cinnamon roll since May and finally decided I was going to make this moment happen.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>On the drive to the bakery, I called my mom. She yelled at me, “I have a roll of cinnamon rolls in the fridge. They expired last month, and someone needs to eat them.”</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>I said, “No Mom. I’m craving a delicious bakery cinnamon roll, not your garbage.”<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>She made me feel like an elitist snob, and then said, “Becky’s kids have no problem eating my expired food.”</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>When Kiki and I lined up at the bakery, there was one cinnamon roll left in the display case, and I made a major strategic error by loudly saying, “I’ve got to get that cinnamon roll. It looks amazing,” and then realized there were four customers lined up ahead of us. As each customer ordered, I’d hope with all my might that they wouldn’t order that last cinnamon roll, my cinnamon roll.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>The man in front of me ordered it. He knew more than any of the others how much I wanted it. I didn’t get mad, I had already waited three months for a cinnamon roll, what’s one more day, week, or month going to do? As we were leaving, and I saw him sitting at his table with the cinnamon roll still in its container with no indication he was going to scarf it down, I knew in my heart, that he didn’t even really want the cinnamon roll.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Geoffrey and I went on a hike that weekend. A second attempt at this mountain. Last year’s attempt was disastrous; sworn to secrecy about the details, I will just say it involved my not bringing toilet paper on what would have been a seven-hour hike. This time I brought the toilet paper, but we didn’t need it.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>We made it to the top of the mountain. Our spiritual moment didn’t happen on the summit because the wind was blowing 100 miles per hour, and Geoffrey worried he would blow right off the steep mountaintop. It didn’t happen when we peed behind a giant rock off the hiking path, and I looked up and saw a group of people tromping up. The first rule of peeing in public is, “If you can see them, then they can see you.” I wasn’t about to pull up my pants midstream, but I had to believe, in my heart, these people would look away once it dawned on them I was not flashing my Vagina, Vagina, Vagina for shits and giggles, but because I was taking care of business.</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>The spiritual moment happened on the last hour of the hike. We were so proud to have completed this goal we set two years earlier and had a fun chat as the terrain became much less treacherous. I said to him, “Your sister’s birthday’s coming up, and I’m ordering her this lotion she wants, so you can give it to her as a gift.”</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>He said, in total earnestness, “Oh, I already know what I’m getting her… I’m buying her some pampers.”</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>I laughed so hard, the earth shook, and then the sky opened up, and God floated down on a cloud, and kissed us on the head.</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Not really, but it kind of felt like that. I’m expecting a similar experience when I finally get to eat a cinnamon roll.</p>Bee Pleasehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16248770471450702296noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-581577202554868396.post-35475574270648391032023-08-15T13:57:00.001-07:002023-08-15T13:57:17.765-07:00Tokyo Travels<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhw3t66IBBFKXROIKz1Jc10BpCY_Ctvg83iHW2zvXJHAmnAcNQUUbHm9SujRYzwbejfw9CmiSRZ7U_YoyWyFXVVS-DBjIZKR3o8fd_AxIALPCuCX-ezPf9aYjvUQpkaLBa7AeO5LAxWm_wEyR5MSezGnB-tCWBrGvGQcvsc7DAlZVrlmqMvNxQlgVuKZNE/s1080/Tokyo%20Travels.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1080" data-original-width="1080" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhw3t66IBBFKXROIKz1Jc10BpCY_Ctvg83iHW2zvXJHAmnAcNQUUbHm9SujRYzwbejfw9CmiSRZ7U_YoyWyFXVVS-DBjIZKR3o8fd_AxIALPCuCX-ezPf9aYjvUQpkaLBa7AeO5LAxWm_wEyR5MSezGnB-tCWBrGvGQcvsc7DAlZVrlmqMvNxQlgVuKZNE/s320/Tokyo%20Travels.png" width="320" /></a></div><p><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue";">The kids and I went to Tokyo for a week at the end of July. It was a whirlwind, and when people ask me, “What did you guys do?” I find a hard time summing it all up in a few sentences. We did what we usually do, we ate food and walked around. We mostly ate at 7-Eleven, and we thought we were masters of the microwaves, coffee dispensers, and really state-of-the-art smoothie makers until Geoffrey put his smoothie cup in without taking the lid off, and broke the machine. Luckily there’s a 7-Eleven on every corner, so we just avoided that one for the rest of our trip.</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I told my friend about the 7-Eleven, and she asked, “I wonder why we don’t have these smoothie machines in our 7-Elevens?” And I confidently replied, “Because someone here would use it as a urinal.”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">My favorite day was our first full day in the city because we went on a guided tour in a bus, so there was not any logistical thinking, just get on and off, and be satisfied with the 15 tourist hotspots we hit because it would have taken us two weeks to get through those destinations by using the subway.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">On the last day, I had to Zoom into a class I’m taking, and then we packed up and got on a shuttle bus to the airport. As we drove away, I realized we were right next to Shinjuku Train station, and had we just walked one block further on one of our nights wondering around we would have come across a really cool neighborhood that I walked through when I was in Tokyo exactly six years earlier. My <i>Eat, Love, Pray</i> trip I crammed into a week after I got divorced.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I’ve taken the kids on epic plane rides before and know that I have to be on high alert, there’s never a moment to close my eyes because their exhaustion makes them unpredictable. Everything can be fine one moment, and then a Coke will get spilled in their lap, Geoffrey will tell Kingsley she has a penis, and Kingsley will scream at the top of her lungs, “I DO NOT HAVE A PENIS.” Or something like that.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I pulled my book out but just watched movies on the seat-back TV. I watched a documentary narrated by Kate Winslet called <i>Eating Ourselves to Extinction</i> that had me convinced I would go vegetarian but have not really implemented it yet. Then I watched the movie <i>Catherine Called Birdy</i> which was so great. Made by Lena Dunham, a brilliant artist who doesn’t get a fair shake by mainstream media, she placed a medieval story in a cute bubble with a sheen of modern style.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">My brother is a staunch Catholic and sends text messages on the family chain relevant to the saints of that day. Many of them are young girls who decided they were called to become nuns at 12 or 13 years old. After watching the movie it makes perfect sense. The alternative to becoming a nun would be to be “sold” to an old man who would repeatedly rape you, then you’d continue to have babies until you die in childbirth. No wonder these young ladies were so receptive to God’s calling.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">When we landed in San Francisco, I was eager to get home, but after being up for twenty hours, I felt severely under-caffeinated. During the last 15 minutes of the drive, I was grateful to veer onto the grated ground that gives your butthole the tickles because it jolted me back to reality, and I would say, “Just fifteen more minutes, focus and you will be able to take a nice ten-hour nap.”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I know, the nap is the main component in the recipe for jet lag, but I was spent. It took us a week to get back on track. We had a major setback two days after we got home when Geoffrey’s best friend spent the night, and their main objective for sleepovers is to stay awake all night long. I had another class that night and hid in my room on Zoom while they shot Nerf rifles around the house, but at one point someone came in and said, the toilets overflowing.</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">My Zoom face of interest was maintained while I nodded as the teacher gave me notes on my work, all the while imagining a flood of shit moving through our house like in <i>Triangle of Sadness</i>. Luckily the water didn’t keep flowing, and I was able to clean up the mess after my turn was up, and I could turn my camera off for a couple of minutes.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">At three in the morning, I had to confiscate all their devices and tell them they needed to just lay on the couch, and they could have the TV on, but I know they still had an iPad in their grips. I wonder if I were a big man/dad, would they pass all their shit over, and go to bed after I asked them too? Child energy is crazy, and I wish I could stay up late and be full of life, but I also know the brain needs sleep, and staying up all night means you are just fewer hours away from giving yourself a psychotic break.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The kids had a few more days before they went back to school, so we went to the movies for a double feature. We watched <i>Barbie</i> and then <i>Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles</i>. Kingsley was so excited to watch <i>Barbie</i>, she dressed in all pink, right down to my 13-year-old pink Converse high tops. After the movie, when we sat in the reclines for <i>TMNT</i>, I asked Kiki, “Do you know what a gynecologist is?” And she said no, so I told her, and her face lit up, clued in on the joke she laughed.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">That night I was putting the kids to bed, and Geoffrey who loves to tease me to no end, said, “Hey mom! Guess what?” I said, “What?” And he replied, “I love patriarchy.” So I hit him over the head with a pillow, which is how he wanted me to react because he laughed hysterically. I had to remind him, it wasn’t very long ago when women were treated very poorly in this world. It’s not set right still, but we live in a much better time. Thank you birth control.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Marriage itself is one of those things that I won’t fully comprehend, but there are very lucky people out there whom it works for. My parents, it works for them wonderfully. I just don’t think it’s right for me. Madonna sums it up nicely. That’s Madonna the singer/dancer sensation, not Madonna Mother Mary sensation. She says, “I think that everyone should get married at least once, so you can see what a silly, outdated institution it is.”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">After I saw <i>Barbie</i>, of course, I thought about a lot of things, that’s what a good movie does. I wonder if there was some primitive agreement made by women to take on this submissive role and absorb the dominance that men need to inflict in order to attain whatever brain chemical is released from feeling powerful, as a way to protect children. I worry that the rise of women puts children at risk, and when I read about child porn, men shooting up kids’ schools, and human trafficking, it makes me so sick. But what’s the solution, women resort to giving up all power so men don’t create this workaround to then feed this need to dominate on children. I don’t know though, it’s probably just a dark thought and maybe there’s not much to it. I hope so.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">A couple of people were really impressed I took the kids to Tokyo, and I guess it does demonstrate a good sense of adaptability. I think I’m at a loss for words to sum up our week in the largest metropolitan area in the world because we barely scratched the surface. I hope we go back in six years. Then Kingsley will be getting ready for college instead of middle school and Geoffrey will be bigger than both of us. We can finally make it to the anime studio, watch sumo wrestlers, and find the world's best egg-salad sandwich because as we drove away from the city to the airport, I felt sort of sad like there was so much I didn’t discover, so much I wanted to know.</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPbXcj0qb-m96iNdWyKSPUBN2TVS3OKPGOl9PUfeLaN0karVQx_3-PHJyywMR4_JAzQD7XPYZYVmnfEIaod9y2pHjRod8fjpBsU07C1UvfQJ4bPKjcHMO6ynz4PUvxLTH-ElkI7TYM2SCugWfvllemZXEAe-jz4NXeFuDQ3Oi-i0BGKYAcUZQG9kVj9ak/s4032/IMG_1128.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3024" data-original-width="4032" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPbXcj0qb-m96iNdWyKSPUBN2TVS3OKPGOl9PUfeLaN0karVQx_3-PHJyywMR4_JAzQD7XPYZYVmnfEIaod9y2pHjRod8fjpBsU07C1UvfQJ4bPKjcHMO6ynz4PUvxLTH-ElkI7TYM2SCugWfvllemZXEAe-jz4NXeFuDQ3Oi-i0BGKYAcUZQG9kVj9ak/s320/IMG_1128.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><br /><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p>Bee Pleasehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16248770471450702296noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-581577202554868396.post-78765429927377162612023-06-27T15:45:00.001-07:002023-06-27T17:19:39.115-07:00A Familiar Song<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFidtotHuByPPu67eOtRrHjcatF43kLkZbUxybHv9ND05vWbCPcz_cryqSNeXOuxfIlKIzQiPXZ5HU3z-1P12znU2XxhHT_TmSwGjlIx9BIYJII6a4_sEOTiG73gcLJGlbp8wBKKJEXVm_j3uNq66-WfIk0OdueT_i2cBMGzYpVFeukIem6Vv43ccoLao/s1080/Staycation%20(1).png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1080" data-original-width="1080" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFidtotHuByPPu67eOtRrHjcatF43kLkZbUxybHv9ND05vWbCPcz_cryqSNeXOuxfIlKIzQiPXZ5HU3z-1P12znU2XxhHT_TmSwGjlIx9BIYJII6a4_sEOTiG73gcLJGlbp8wBKKJEXVm_j3uNq66-WfIk0OdueT_i2cBMGzYpVFeukIem6Vv43ccoLao/s320/Staycation%20(1).png" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">My boyfriend started singing a song I didn’t recognize. He assured me I knew the song, and carried on singing it. For over a minute I listened to him, wracking my brain, but couldn’t recognize it in the slightest. Johnny said, "It's More Than Words by Extreme. I know you've heard this song."</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I said, with certainty, "I have never heard that song before."</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">He played the song on YouTube, and within three seconds I said, “Oh, yeah, I know this song.”</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Lyrics have always been my super weakness. I can’t recall any of the lyrics to songs on my running playlist, songs I’ve been listening to for over a decade. I can hum a song, but, like Britney, I need the track playing to sing along. I only know the words to <i>Karate</i> by Tenacious D, a song I play for Geoffrey on his birthday because it makes him so happy, but one day a year is all we get of that masterpiece or it won’t be as special.</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The kids went on vacation with their dad last week, and I maximized the time. A psychic once told me to always write when the kids are away and be present with them when they’re at my house. She finished the session by telling me when I find coins it’s my dead relatives saying hi, which I took as canned. But sometimes psychics are like religion, and you just have to take the bits you like and leave the bits you don’t.</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I find coins all the time. If the psychic is right, I’m rich with celestial lookouts. Last weekend I was running and found a dollar bill. This was just the denomination I needed to go into the week.</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The house is so quiet when the kids are gone, I keep the place as silent as a Scientologist Birthing Center when I’m writing. As the days went by, I started getting anxious and would lay awake at night worried that I needed to tell the kids things. I was really concerned I never told them they should avoid metal straws. This concern was compounded by terrible mental images of a metal straw in front of a face, and a sneeze sending their face forward so their eyeball is speared by the unbendable straw.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="Apple-converted-space"><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I remember when I was driving with my mom once in high school. We passed a garbage bag on the road, and my mom swerved. She looked at me and said, “Never drive over a plastic bag, there could be a baby in it.”</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I assured her I wouldn’t. That seemed like the most appropriate thing to do.</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The kids still sleep in the same bed. I bought Geoffrey a queen bed when we moved into our new house because I was worried that with my boyfriend moving in, there would be readjusting since we all slept in my bed every night. Now Kiki just crawls into bed with G at night, and I usually read to them, and after they’re asleep I go to my room. Occasionally they will come and get me, and I end up sleeping on the bottom of their bed, like the dog.</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The week flew by because I took care of a procedure I had coming since March when I had my first mammogram, and the doctor saw two masses he wasn’t sure about. He wasn’t overly concerned and said I could wait and come back in six months to see if they’ve changed size or to get them biopsied. This was the first time I’d gone to a doctor in six years, not counting the dentist I last saw three years ago, and still haven’t gone back to get the other filling, so I decided to get the biopsy because I can’t be on a six-month visitation schedule, and I don’t need another concern keeping me up at night.</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The weekend before I went in for the biopsies, I had coffee with a friend, and she told me about a book she was reading and gave an anecdote about people who are diagnosed with brain cancer being THE NICEST people. So the entire time in the doctor's office, when I was interacting with such kind women who work on diseased boobs all day, I was trying my hardest to not react with genuine respect and appreciation for their work. It was impossible to not be nice to them, and I even became paranoid their kindness was out of sympathy and they knew something I didn’t know.</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">During the two days of waiting for the results, I closed off from the world, read books, and ate like Brendan Fraser preparing for the role of the lifetime.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>I felt bad for being such bad company on the phone with my sisters, and after they poured out all they had to say, I’d tell them I have to go. My sister told me about a 33-year-old woman driving down the freeway, killed by a piece of sheet metal that flew off the truck. A similar scenario has been playing in my mind since the snow started melting, and I've seen so many logging trucks on the freeway taking all the burnt-up trees off the Sierras, but I didn’t say so. My silence made them nervous, and they thought I was falling into a depression. I really just had nothing to say, and my mouth was only good at taking in food, not spitting out words.</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">My mouth wasn’t the only hole that couldn’t release, my butt did the same. All that food came back to torment me at 2 am when I had a stomach ache that felt like I was about to give birth. I was convinced I had appendicitis, but I must have fallen asleep and then farted out the pain because I woke up okay.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>It could have been from sleeping in a sports bra. They advised me to do it, and I think it restricted all the gas in my body so it ballooned up, making me feel like I was about to explode. </p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Two days after the procedure my sister asked if the doctor called with my results. I told her no, and she yelled at me to call them. After I tried to blow it off, she said, “You need to call them now. They don’t care we’re waiting, it’s not their titty.”</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">How could I not call after that? When I heard the results that both masses were benign I was so overjoyed and filled with gratitude. I called my sister and started crying when I told her. The tears were a surprise to me, but I had spent the two days trying so hard not to think of all the scary outcomes, I was overcome with relief.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="Apple-converted-space"><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">My kids came back the day before my birthday. Kiki said, “I am so excited 41 years old. It seems like yesterday you were 37.”</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">We went out to eat at a dumpling house and then came home and watched the Fabelmans before Kiki made me a cake. She gave me a sweet drawing and Geoffrey gave me six dollars, one of the dollars I gave him that morning, telling him I found it on my run.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I went to bed that night hoping they’d come and get me, so I could sleep at the foot of their bed, like the dog. Then I thought about cars with sunroofs, and how I need to tell the kids to never stand up through a sunroof. There was a mental image, but I’ll spare you the details.</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghIFPhhQbIcFWP_hZqI5CAH0XkJlIRNBpXbVrh8LDtAJnwYR-hSUlxAGzJPwSes74iP-Be1nO1yyZxNPVAneHsUtAqWwS6te0EKc0_ZoTCP705MCTr8z_jWh64bsD9V5Og4Ho4MUrQwUE-immrNz4nFrsK0USsqorqFbOtMvIbfJ8x6K8ssNNWmt7BjZM/s2576/IMG_1223.JPG" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1932" data-original-width="2576" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghIFPhhQbIcFWP_hZqI5CAH0XkJlIRNBpXbVrh8LDtAJnwYR-hSUlxAGzJPwSes74iP-Be1nO1yyZxNPVAneHsUtAqWwS6te0EKc0_ZoTCP705MCTr8z_jWh64bsD9V5Og4Ho4MUrQwUE-immrNz4nFrsK0USsqorqFbOtMvIbfJ8x6K8ssNNWmt7BjZM/s320/IMG_1223.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Back when I was 37</td></tr></tbody></table><br /><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p>Bee Pleasehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16248770471450702296noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-581577202554868396.post-64794400194946072382023-05-26T12:29:00.006-07:002023-05-26T12:37:53.254-07:00Lovin' Galore<p><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue";"><br /></span></p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-PJDj-9SOgE091G80v_7ScCewxOpxNsy5ttJ11jrJebPuwrxxAcWCEI2p1wbU-Ii_uc89-LmSG8bPRg37vlxy5FngbYTaR1afgvMvV30i4PTc4eAaDk2JpBOdCfySKK3BVdvoVPAUg4hyzQIiNtZDk1FnT2uhnO3EFJC9PCxy94RQmiDhHQvrYzRl/s1080/Add%20a%20heading%20(2).png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1080" data-original-width="1080" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-PJDj-9SOgE091G80v_7ScCewxOpxNsy5ttJ11jrJebPuwrxxAcWCEI2p1wbU-Ii_uc89-LmSG8bPRg37vlxy5FngbYTaR1afgvMvV30i4PTc4eAaDk2JpBOdCfySKK3BVdvoVPAUg4hyzQIiNtZDk1FnT2uhnO3EFJC9PCxy94RQmiDhHQvrYzRl/s320/Add%20a%20heading%20(2).png" width="320" /></a></div><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue";"><p><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue";"><br /></span></p>Geoffrey was doing his homework last week and looked up proudly from his paper saying, “I need three words that end in ‘ed’ so I wrote </span><i style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue";">jumped</i><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue";">, </span><i style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue";">punched</i><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue";">, and </span><i style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue";">humped</i><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue";">.”</span><p></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I almost spit out my Diet Coke, “What was that last word?”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">“Humped.” He said plainly.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">“Ohhh, jee wiz. Umm. OK. So, we say that word about the dog, but it’s actually a <i>bad</i> word, so you’re going to need to choose something different.”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I walked away grateful he mentioned the question because I don’t really check their homework unless they’re being obvious liars that they finished so they can watch TV.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I haven’t had the dog neutered, although I think he would be the perfect dog to make more of, because I’ve been too busy. Everyone in the house finds the dog humping a disgusting nuisance and we kick him off of us, except G who finds it hilarious. I’ll come in the room screaming when I see G walking around with the dog who’s twerking at the end of a Conga line.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">My summer break started this week. Being a teacher is not great pay, but having summer off is like winning the lottery. I dropped twenty pounds of baggage and will take care of household things to do, like getting the dog neutered.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">By the end of the semester, I was in a tangle of anxiety, and I think it’s from interacting with ninety 18-22-year-olds every day. Sounding like a northern California hippie lady, I think I absorb too much of that young adult stress, where they have the entire world in front of them, their bodies can’t even contain all of this life potential.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I love talking with my students, we really have some good laughs, but occasionally one will come in and have a breakdown, and being forever scared of HR, I can’t give them a hug, but just try and give them verbal hugs, and reassure them, all of this is fleeting, and they will have a new set of problems in five years, hopefully, more manageable problems.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">One way I can tell being around thousands of twenty-year-olds affects me is my period. I’ve always been a period interloper and jump on any woman’s cycle I talk to for five minutes, but by the end of the semester, I’m having a period every two and a half weeks. April 2023 I will forever remember as the month of PMS. My boyfriend probably thought I was on the verge of burning the house down because of how I reacted when the genius dog eats cat poop and leaves bits of it on the carpet.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">If it’s not students, it's coworkers. Last semester one of my coworkers was going through a divorce. He was devastated. I could hear him sniffling as he walked up the hall and then would stand in my office doorway for an hour, unloading a mountain of drama. At first, I was interested in the authenticity, but after a while, it was a huge inconvenience because whatever work I don’t get done, I have to bring home with me to do after I pick up the kids from school.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I was listening to a lot of Zig Ziglar’s motivational speeches at the time. He gives helpful career advice, and his recommendation for dealing with the person in the office who eats all your time by having a one-sided conversation in front of you is to tell them straight up, “Go ruin someone else’s career.”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I told my mom I was going to do this and she said, “No. He might shoot you!”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I always take my mom’s advice seriously, so I just told him I’m too busy to talk, and he found someone else to listen.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">At first, I thought I could give advice. Like I was some pro-divorcee, but honestly, I don’t know anything. I had lived by the guidelines that you make your kids think their other parent is fucking awesome, the best human being alive. I think this might have some long-term problems though because, after a while, the kids must think to themselves, well if you think he’s so great why aren’t you guys together?</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">My daughter came out of therapy the other day and said I think it would be helpful if you told me why you and Dad got divorced. I told her I would, over the weekend. I need time to think of what to say. I suppose it could be an opportunity for me to finally use ChatGPT because I have no idea how to say this without inducing a smear campaign against the other half of her DNA.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Another problem with pretending you think their dad is the fucking shit, is you then have to pretend their partner is the shit too. One time G asked me if I knew my IQ score, and I said no, and then he let me know his step-mom is a “genius” based on her IQ score. I wanted to say, “Who’d have thought? Well, now I know whom to call if I ever need to guess the next shape in a pattern.” But instead, I cheerfully said, “How lucky for her.”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I’m a type of chess piece in the mechanics of my ex and his wife’s relationship, and it nearly made me want to beat on a cowbell with a drumstick and march the perimeter of their house chanting, “Eat shit assholes,” after I refused to go to therapy with the two of them in December so they could determine why my daughter is having such a hard time at <i>their</i> house. Seeing as the intention places blame on me, I naturally declined to be the third wheel at their couples therapy, and they unleashed a retaliation where I can’t pick up the kids from their house to get one-on-one time like I used to.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">So, the kids and I operate as a triad, and we can’t have one-on-one trips for the time being. My daughter wanted to watch <i>Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret</i>, but my nine-year-old son refused to go. My final bribe was that I’d give him twenty dollars and he could play his switch the whole time, and he still said no. Exhausted from negotiations, I said, “You wouldn’t even go if I offered you a million dollars.”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Of course, he said, “I would do it for a million dollars.”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I told my mom that I wanted to take Kiki to see the movie and she said, “Isn’t that about…” and then whispered, “Periods.”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Then I told my mom, periods have become a main topic of conversation in the house after my daughter’s fifth-grade assembly on pads and tampons. Lucky for my daughter, I’m having them all the time, so she excitedly runs and gets me a pad or tampon when I’m screaming from the bathroom I now understand why I felt like the entire world was crashing down on me the week before. Naturally, my son has become quite informed as well, and I was driving him to football last week, he asked me concerned, “Mom, have you ever had toxic shock syndrome?”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Instead of going to the movies, we had a movie day at home. I was feeling nostalgic and watched old James Bond movies. My brothers and sisters and I used to watch these movies until my dad would come in from work, and see his five kids lazing about and demand we go move the firewood from one side of the house to the other. I don’t know why we didn’t question the motivation for this repetitive reaction to sedentariness.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The misogyny in the movies is horrendous, however, the villains and henchmen are quite entertaining. We started with The Spy Who Loved Me where my daughter said after seeing the female spy, “She’s so pretty, why would she want to fall in love?”<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">And I thought, “Uh, have I said something to make you think that?” But, I reassured her, “Everyone wants to fall in love Kiki. It’s nice to have a partner to share your life with.”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I’m sort of the opposite of my dad and am constantly popping popcorn and refilling drinks. Kiki is my little princess child, and I have to start being more like my dad, or she is going to really need to get a partner, no matter how gorgeous she is, or she’ll starve and live in a pigsty.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Then we watched Goldfinger. The kids didn’t even bat an eye when Pussy Galore comes out of the cock pit to introduce herself to Bond. They don’t know what the word pussy is.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Hopefully, it doesn’t show up on their homework.</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p>Bee Pleasehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16248770471450702296noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-581577202554868396.post-89411441244095773172023-03-14T08:32:00.001-07:002023-03-14T08:32:15.952-07:00Hole In Sock<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzXBwEzWDpplSY5B0ckAmIRY4hM64Srv7Z6b8OBA4ea1kDJ8ekJadK7KpyFS6-RKKl_51mYofixmbnjRzuSSFIWh9E3eTg5W6mb85NmMCpCNyL_U0AL13l9LHTC8Du0xLbeijCX6y34N0xUIUpZBfPkYJILI286znWdS4L4GUHBEH4sSja_08bYzu3/s1080/Hole%20In%20Sock.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1080" data-original-width="1080" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzXBwEzWDpplSY5B0ckAmIRY4hM64Srv7Z6b8OBA4ea1kDJ8ekJadK7KpyFS6-RKKl_51mYofixmbnjRzuSSFIWh9E3eTg5W6mb85NmMCpCNyL_U0AL13l9LHTC8Du0xLbeijCX6y34N0xUIUpZBfPkYJILI286znWdS4L4GUHBEH4sSja_08bYzu3/s320/Hole%20In%20Sock.png" width="320" /></a></div><br /><p></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Looking at our feet, as we lay in bed, I noticed my boyfriend and I both had holes in the toe of our socks. I said something about it only mattering if you go to someone’s house who makes you take your shoes off. He made me laugh when he said, “All you can say is, ‘Sorry, I’m a piece of shit.’”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The next weekend I took my kids to an ice skating rink. With the skate rentals, I had to take my shoes off, so I planned for it. Watching the three of us on ice skates explains why driving my kids around after school and on weekends for sports is not the best use of our time. Kiki clutched the side of the rink as she walk-skated the perimeter. Lap after lap, she refused to let go. By the end of our time, there was a slight improvement, I know this because I was right behind her.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">People whizzed by us. An older person caught my eye. They were pretty big too, which made them even more impressive. On our third lap, I noticed that person fell, and they were surrounded by ice skating employees. On our next lap, the employees set up cones around them, and everyone skated around this possibly concussed-broken-backed senior. The next lap, EMTs were there helping the injured person. They took off their ice skates, and as I went by, holding Kiki’s hand, I saw they had a hole in their sock.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The start of the week was unusual because I left for work without my phone. I stomached the anxiety that no one could reach me for six hours, but by the time I was in my office I remembered I could text from my laptop, so I let everyone know.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I text my older sister, “I forgot my phone at home!”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Just like Nancy Drew, she wrote back, “How are you texting me then?”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I explained modern technology, and we text-chatted.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The very next day, I left my phone again. How I got in the habit of leaving my house without my phone surprised the shit out of me.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I usually listen to podcasts as I inch into Sacramento on the freeway, but instead, I had to listen to NPR. After the first day, I felt pretty caught up on world news. I heard one person say, “On average, Americans check their email seventy times a day.” And I felt quite smug, as I considered myself liberated from smartphone shackles.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">When I was in my office I did the same as the day before and messaged everyone from my laptop. When I initiated a chat with my sister, I made sure she knew it was me. I wrote, “I forgot my phone again! Remember that time in your apartment in Philadelphia, when I woke up in the middle of the night and shit in your kitchen garbage can?”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">It must be a familial problem because she wrote back, “Hahahaha. I almost just peed my pants.”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I wanted to write back, “Sorry, I have a hole in my sock,” but the inside joke would have raised her suspicion.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I haven’t forgotten my phone since, and I’m back to being shameful instead of smug, as I repeatedly check email. I find myself checking the weather a lot. In case you’re not listening to NPR, Northern California has been under a storm for what feels like four months. Every day has a raincloud next to it.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Assuming the internet has divine knowledge, I googled “When is it going to stop raining in California?”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">And she told me, “Mid-April.”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I obsessively checked the weather because of a half-marathon I signed up for after concocting my New Year’s Resolutions on January 1. I picked up my race pack in a torrential downpour, and let everyone know I was probably not going to the race the next day. They were all volunteers, standing in the freezing cold, so they gave me a look that yelled, “Fuck off,” and I left even more conflicted.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I had the suspicion that if I didn’t go to the race, the sun would miraculously come out and I’d spend the rest of my life feeling like a little bitch. Maybe not for the rest of my life, but for at least ten years. I’ve listened to too much Tony Robbins. In an interview, he said the reason he does an ice plunge every morning is not for the health benefits, but as a lesson to himself, when he says he’s going to do something, he does it.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">So I amped myself up, “When I tell you to do something, you better do it.” I added some Samual Jackson flare at the end. It was a motivation barrage against myself from some part of myself that acts like it's better than myself. Very confusing.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">God did me a solid, and when I checked the weather that morning, the gray clouds next to 8 am and 9 am didn’t have the usual rain slashes underneath them. I couldn’t train because of the aforementioned rain, so I was going off of two cups of coffee and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">My runner’s high kicked in on mile four. It made the run a literal stroll down memory lane. I passed the place the kids did gymnastics as toddlers, the Embassy Suites we stayed at when my brother got married, and the dentist I went to three years ago when I had dental insurance and never went back to get my cavities filled. This reminded me to add “don’t miss open enrollment again” to my New Year’s resolutions.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Everyone was in high spirits, even the volunteers giving us our dixie cups of Gatorade. I recently watched the documentary Stutz on Netflix and had the realization while listening to Wilco’s Jesus, etc, “Jeff Tweedy must have been a Phil Stutz patient.” The high was really peaking because I shouted at myself, “EVERYONE IS A BURNING SUN.”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">By mile twelve the high wore off. My resolve was strong, and I trotted along like a horse with eye patches on. When I crossed the finish line, there were crowds of people celebrating. I got my free burrito and sent a text to everyone of a picture a volunteer took of me holding my medal. They gave me some of God’s money.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Back home I kicked off my shoes and looked at my feet. As I crossed this off my New Year's resolutions list, my inner voice and Samual Jackson proclaimed, “You don’t have holes in your socks, motherfucker.”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Then I limped to the kitchen and took Tylenol because I told myself to.</p><p><br /></p>Bee Pleasehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16248770471450702296noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-581577202554868396.post-1084248729460043232023-01-09T18:19:00.000-08:002023-01-09T18:19:08.269-08:00Banana Head<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgErNwPkWe4Gpi02KXwxQtEhsvNmjEGycdymX9W_yGiwic9ctG4nGFN3cfNAwvKLIe9WKV6AX4Su4HgbFQVwrDHLo5QWxxeiRMG5ZlA0zA2FIRDLtxLiJYUJ54WJsRHq1OCsmB_15nMe0I9LwY5yT8UVkK8ShVTuzS-pi6VD9R7qFqKx-fd7OfArJHY/s1080/Banana%20Head.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1080" data-original-width="1080" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgErNwPkWe4Gpi02KXwxQtEhsvNmjEGycdymX9W_yGiwic9ctG4nGFN3cfNAwvKLIe9WKV6AX4Su4HgbFQVwrDHLo5QWxxeiRMG5ZlA0zA2FIRDLtxLiJYUJ54WJsRHq1OCsmB_15nMe0I9LwY5yT8UVkK8ShVTuzS-pi6VD9R7qFqKx-fd7OfArJHY/s320/Banana%20Head.png" width="320" /></a></div><br /><p></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I was at Safeway getting some things to make it through the weekend without having to do a major shopping trip. I had a list, and made it up and down the aisles in record time. Nearing the checkout, I noticed the lines were short, and pulled in behind a man buying cold cuts and a bottle of booze. I put my groceries on the conveyer belt before he finished paying. I strategically placed soda at the front, so I could grab them from the checker right after he scanned them, and get them back in the cart. I did this with such haste I nearly broke the plexiglass screen protecting him from people that sneeze without covering their mouths.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I put my bank card in the machine, and answered all the questions, before reaching over the counter and grabbing a plastic bag to quickly load the food after being scanned. I was working fast, and this only highlighted the snail’s pace of the girl standing at the end, working to bag the groceries. She had on a full length, neon yellow, rain coat with grey reflective ribbons running up, down and across it. She looked pained, and when I said hi, she said, “I got braces on today.”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">“Say goodbye to eating bananas,” I thought, as I put the bunch into a bag. I buy them for Johnny. I like to suggest them as a cure for headaches, back aches, or feet aches. He usually tries it, and sometimes it works, especially when taken with Tylenol.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Maybe the bagger was curb stomped before her braces were put on because she was suffering. I felt bad for her, but at the same time, wanted to encourage her to suck it up. Those braces aren’t going anywhere for a while. I said, “Sorry, I remember having braces, and it does hurt, but the first day is the worst day. It will only get better from here.”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I think this made her bag slower. After I loaded up three bags, I looked at her still working on her first and desperately wanted to rip it from her hands, saying, “If you don’t mind, my eleven year old is in the car, and even though I told her to lay on the horn if a crack head comes up to the window, I’d still like to make it out there in time to beat him over the head with this pineapple.”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">She held a bag of tortilla chips wondering if she could get it in the plastic bag, and I politely said, “That’s ok, I’ll just keep that out of the bag. I hope you feel better.” And she wouldn’t hand me the bag, but instead very slowly put it in the cart like she was playing Tetris on the easiest setting. Then she looked at me like I was an asshole, which was likely just the face she had on from her mouth pain, and I rolled out of there. When my son and I got the the car, Kiki was just finishing up her game of “Rich Girls” on my cell phone and we headed home.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">They were filled with dread about starting back to school after Christmas break. Kiki asked Johnny,”Aren’t you sad it’s the end of Christmas break?” He wanted to answer, “I didn’t get a Christmas Break!”<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I told them, “The second half of the year flies by. It will be summer before we know it.”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Then G said, “It’s going to take forever!”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I suppose for them it will, but for me it won’t. Just the other day I ran out of toothpaste, and grabbed the multipack out from under the sink and pulled out the last tube. I remember when I used to buy toothpaste one tube at a time, and it didn’t even seem that often, but now I buy them in bulk, and regularly. In ten years it will probably feel this way buying enormous rolls of saran-wrap. I’ll be at the store heaving a 1,000 foot roll of plastic wrap into the cart, saying, “I feel like I just bought one of these yesterday.”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">We spent the last week of break living the life of a depressive, pop-culture fiend, binge-watching TV and eating a lot of food without nutritional value. This doesn’t help my mood. I thought my complaint about the additional remote control for the sound bar went unnoticed, but later, when Johnny was home, Kiki announced, “My mom says she doesn’t think the sound bar does anything!”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I was embarrassed. Men love sound bars, so much so that maybe there’s an undiscovered erogenous zone in their ear. To me though, it’s all the same. I blushed, and admitted to saying it. I probably should have gotten out of the house more.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I told my dad, “I get bad anxiety around this time because I can’t go running form the rain.”<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The origins of my dismissive optimism were made clear when my dad replied, “Join a gym. You’ll be fine.”<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">We moved on to another topic. I ate a banana and thought about summer. It’s just one roll of saran-wrap away.</p>Bee Pleasehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16248770471450702296noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-581577202554868396.post-38849940818495900822022-12-28T11:29:00.000-08:002022-12-28T11:29:10.734-08:00Racy Sounds of the Season<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCCjvxTymVnKIfGkRRUGNmVBQ1BUHoENqrOsFRNhRNE2wajXZ3XlOGfCGtxPCUVBA0vUaQKaqRNSRy8MCC34OlPaZ98Ncv358R-hp2oKbYl0OmLzZ_Aai3nehZvZSDY01TfvajcNszQe-nEWBA_E4XuA217SKYPoNvJHbhRW1Oc8txN11Jst7fHF5R/s1080/Racy%20Sounds%20of%20the%20Season.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1080" data-original-width="1080" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCCjvxTymVnKIfGkRRUGNmVBQ1BUHoENqrOsFRNhRNE2wajXZ3XlOGfCGtxPCUVBA0vUaQKaqRNSRy8MCC34OlPaZ98Ncv358R-hp2oKbYl0OmLzZ_Aai3nehZvZSDY01TfvajcNszQe-nEWBA_E4XuA217SKYPoNvJHbhRW1Oc8txN11Jst7fHF5R/s320/Racy%20Sounds%20of%20the%20Season.png" width="320" /></a></div><br /><p><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue";">I don’t know how to say this without sounding like a psychopath, but my nine year old son makes a whimper sound that is ever present in adult film, and I don’t know where the hell he picked this up.</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I’m not alone in this because chatting with the moms at my daughter’s basketball practice, I found this is common amongst his classmates. Even when I chaperoned the fifth grade trip to the Redwoods, the boys found it hilarious to moan, “Oh Mommy,” as a cheer of camaraderie.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">One of the ladies I talked to works at an elementary school, and said she’ll talk to the counselor about what we’re supposed to say because after I told my son he can’t make that noise he asked, “Why not,” and I was stumped. So I just said, “It’s a noise people make in the bathroom,” like a lowdown dirty liar.</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The most likely suspect for teaching the youth bedroom moans is YouTube. I sit through as much Mr. Beast as I can with my kid, but I have yet to hear it there. Just plenty of winky-winky face references at 4:20 or 69, but they go completely over my son’s head. Thank god. If I had to explain it to my son, I’d liken it to heavy metal bands, cloaked in devil iconography, but singing about Jesus. Mr. Beast says 4:20 and 69 like a run-of-the-mill goofball, but he’s too busy building his production empire to blaze up and do the least fun sex-act, and probably spends his free time doing transcendental meditation and drinking yerba mate.</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Luckily my kids miss out on any indication their mom and (not legally documented) step-dad have sex because of our damn dog. He stands outside the bedroom door, scratching and barking the entire time. Nothing grounds a sexy moment more back in reality than having the throes of passion interrupted by hearing “Shut up,” yelled in frustration.</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The outside of my bedroom door looks like the inside of a coffin that someones been buried alive in. I’m assuming it’s the dog’s youth, and he’ll grow into a pup that doesn’t need to be in the action all the time, but the dog inspired me to write an adult-children’s book called <i>Stop Having Sex Without Me</i>, a labradoodle’s story of obsession and betrayal.</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">When Kiki yells to me, “I’m going to live with you full time.”</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I pull her in for a hug, and sweep her hair out of her face, and say, “Oh girl, you’re just having a rough patch, and things will get better…” not adding, “If you lived here full time, I’d never have sex again, but there’s a chance the dog will grow out of this, in which case you can watch all the anime and sneak Coca-Colas full time.”</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">As a child of parents who weren’t hiding their sex life, I can say, the idea of your parents having sex does get less gross as you get older. The memory of walking in on my parents or the stupid ceiling fan rocking are not a source of betrayal anymore. Oh my god, I’m like the dog… but old. Needless to say, my son didn’t hear those sex moans from me because I’ve never had sex when they were home. Split custody does have its upsides.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Split custody can be hard around the holidays, but mostly because of tempering other people’s sad reactions when you tell them you don’t get the kids till December 26. When my sister asked what we're doing for Christmas, I told her Johnny and I are making manicotti and watching movies all day, and she seriously asked, “Where are your kids?”</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I wanted to say, “Oh, I finally could afford to send them to boarding school, but their return ticket isn’t till June. Total bummer.” Instead I took a deep breath and said, “Oh they’re at their dad’s. Where else would they be?” A slight rebuttal of passive-aggressiveness at the end.</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The week before Christmas, Johnny said, “I bought you something for Christmas we both can enjoy.”<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I nervously replied, “I think we bought each other the same present.”<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I found out he was talking about lingerie, so maybe he thought I bought him a leather daddy outfit, in which case, he didn’t seem against it. However, my intuition didn’t fail me, and we bought each other espresso machines. We set up a coffee station in the kitchen, and as we drank espressos we said, “Now we drink coffee like the rich!”</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I sent him a text about setting up the other espresso machine in the bedroom instead of the kitchen. An hour later I saw a text from him that just said, “HAHAHAHAHA!”</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I forgot what I text earlier, so I scrolled up and read, “I think it’s too <i>racy</i> to put our espresso machines side-by-side, so I’m putting one in the bedroom.”</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I LOL’d back at him and texted, “It autocorrected. Racy should say crazy… but it would be racy too!”</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Now we have an espresso station in the bedroom. The noise that thing makes is more like machine gun diarrhea with grunts, so I’ll have an easier time explaining it to the kids, and it will be so much less offensive if they start mimicking it’s sounds. I just hope when they’re asked where they learned to make that noise, they don’t reply, “I hear it from my mom’s bedroom.”</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYAc2sCHAkj7MxxmVsmZU-rAPb99wJAbh376SXJYDw38rkYbxCQd7opJihBeXBVU2xkE0gMQGYDig4Mo4zZW010HMvvAFBXgB-Uub9MaVM6eevIG6IxIrnTghNZn-jx1xj2ua-cuAhl6EG0aJIggi4e1aN1-LQ6OjhyVUwIvFbIS1cdQwB2ds9raLd/s4032/IMG_9397.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3024" data-original-width="4032" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYAc2sCHAkj7MxxmVsmZU-rAPb99wJAbh376SXJYDw38rkYbxCQd7opJihBeXBVU2xkE0gMQGYDig4Mo4zZW010HMvvAFBXgB-Uub9MaVM6eevIG6IxIrnTghNZn-jx1xj2ua-cuAhl6EG0aJIggi4e1aN1-LQ6OjhyVUwIvFbIS1cdQwB2ds9raLd/s320/IMG_9397.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">On Thanksgiving, we ate chips in a hotel room. They loved it.</td></tr></tbody></table><br /><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p>Bee Pleasehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16248770471450702296noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-581577202554868396.post-89072884771951287712022-11-06T17:20:00.000-08:002022-11-06T17:20:04.825-08:00The Chaperone<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0rcJ8YOkXSfmnoeK444WqWcQ1JmrUJ2nzYihWcWROFz1e_NNzXwcRw8XiogHB9ByH3UhJ_X6copODNB4qf-C7iAgVmtjjA9qFpk3vYrG0PfVidklORaax3hRMnsgzEPElKaNrw4KuePmbPo3fgypDmdc8RdoQ1AUnsC4GBgDfzeleoQQbRNgY_pyP/s1080/Bee%20Please%20Blog%20Chaperone.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1080" data-original-width="1080" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0rcJ8YOkXSfmnoeK444WqWcQ1JmrUJ2nzYihWcWROFz1e_NNzXwcRw8XiogHB9ByH3UhJ_X6copODNB4qf-C7iAgVmtjjA9qFpk3vYrG0PfVidklORaax3hRMnsgzEPElKaNrw4KuePmbPo3fgypDmdc8RdoQ1AUnsC4GBgDfzeleoQQbRNgY_pyP/s320/Bee%20Please%20Blog%20Chaperone.png" width="320" /></a></div><br /><p><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue";">My daughter was happy when I told her I'm volunteering in her classroom as part of the Meet the Artist program, giving a short history lesson on a famous artist before the students do a project inspired by them. Afterward she said, “You better wear make up.”</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">“How rude,” I replied, but the morning of, I put on “my face,” as my Grandma would say. My Grandma also said, “This winter’s gonna be harsh, I know because my hair is growing faster than usual.”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">My Grandma made sense to me. It didn’t make sense to me that after I signed up to chaperone my daughter’s fifth grade field trip to The Redwoods, I wasn’t assigned her as a student to look after. The trip was two nights and three days, and chaperones watched over six kids day-and-night, except for a one hour break each afternoon. The day before we left on the trip, I told everyone not to be surprised if the next time they saw me I have a giant coldsore, and I packed a small suitcase with clothes and two boxes of nicotine gum.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">When we arrived at camp, I attended the chaperone meeting, listening to our responsibilities, and unhearing the rule, “No gum allowed.”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I’m not a disciplinarian, and three days was just enough time for the girls to not throw a coup, and take over the cabin. I let them stay up past the bedtime, and after they found spider eggs under a bunk bed, I had to let them share beds, since they refused to sleep on the “bug bed.” By the end of the trip, I was just your average House Mom, sitting with my book in front of me, telling the girls to go to the playground, as I ferociously chewed gum.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The girls and I grew a bond because of the confidence building activities. We climbed a vertical obstacle course. After living my entire life unable to do the monkey bars, I climbed a ninety foot wall made of ladders, tires and ropes. The wildest of the activities was a rope swing, where I was hoisted up to the top of a redwood in a harness, and then let go of a rope, so I free fell, and swung back and forth, screaming in fear, and relief that the most savage camel toe of my life didn’t split me down the middle.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I realized why I couldn’t chaperone my daughter, she wouldn’t get the most out of the confidence-building exercises. Maybe it’s peer pressure, but through watching other people, courage builds up. I saw her when everyone met in the cafeteria. She’d give me a hug before saying, “I have to go to my group, and you aren’t supposed to chew gum!”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The day we left though, my daughter said more kindly, “Fuck the bus,” and she rode home with me. We listened to Kelly Clarkson and ate candy, and I noticed her hair growth in the three days was remarkable.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The next week the kids went to their dad’s and my boyfriend, whose been traveling all month, and I had a rare night together. We celebrated, and instead of eating the usual gummy, I decided to smoke from his vape pen. The gummy is perfect for me, I don’t know the chemistry but the strain works well; I watch TV with tunnel vision, laughing my ass off. Shortly after I hit this vape pen, I could tell that it is not the strain that gels with my body, or mind really.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">We were watching Hulu, and every commercial was for pharmaceuticals to treat depression, or a depiction of society as Utopian, full of confident and happy people enjoying their buffalo wings or whatever. A commercial for cancer treatment medication sent me over the edge. The actress wasn’t wearing a scarf on her bald head, she was a healthy looking person. So I convinced myself our world is doomed, everyone is getting cancer because of micro plastics and electronics, and there's collective sadness from an inability to create the perceived euphoric feelings of chopping it up at chain restaurant happy hours.</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I did what any sensible person would do, I smoked from the same vape pen the next night! This time I spent hours thinking about the overwhelming endorsement of censorship. The problem with abortion talking points being minimized to women’s rights, when it is an intersectional debate concerning race, class, capitalism, socio-economics and circling back to the great pharmaceutical giants working as our nation's chaperones.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I’ll vote on behalf of my women idols, but still, why doesn’t anyone talk about the sale of fetuses for science, and how abortions are good for business. It is quite interesting, especially since stem cell therapy isn't accessible to people who don’t have hundreds of thousands of dollars to spend. Ethics focuses on definition of life, rather than the selling of discarded fetus tissue. We're already in a preliminary Gattaca, evident by the nonexistent “special-ed” at my daughter’s school, and now we’ve got a Soylent Green medical industry on the rise.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The next night, I barfed out all this fear to my boyfriend. After a ten minute incessant speech, I looked at him like he should have the answers. Then I summed up all my feelings by saying, “I just don’t think I can hit that white vape pen anymore. It’s no good for my brain.”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The next day I left for a screenwriting conference,<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>and the minute, really within one minute, I entered my hotel room I started my period. Now it made sense why I googled, “How do I know if I’m schizophrenic” that morning.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">This week I received letters from all the girls I chaperoned on the field trip. They were so sweet, and reminded me how everyone is just a little weirdo in a meat suit. My daughter was very pleased when she said, “Everyone says you’re the best chaperone because you let your girls stay up late. And I heard you wiped up four giant spider eggs, and threw them in the dumpster outside.”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The last part made me cringe, and defensively I said, “I didn’t want to kill them, but as the chaperone, I felt like I had to.”</p>Bee Pleasehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16248770471450702296noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-581577202554868396.post-41804976743316913812022-08-30T17:19:00.003-07:002022-08-30T18:53:56.531-07:00Broken Doorbell<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtHR5KLIg7Zxe3vtPYlyD7BPygBlwckzLCuQVZCdNcAO4dq-45GkyHdRzBFCetnuW0cR4QdLGclou7qrUQGA2KA8voGpYNugyBZvZlh07As63VsyTibwyUpFvYXHnzzHDL8tKu35AhbA82IgyTG99XUh3iVHq2fuzsK6zN-We2O9AUo7n9VFp37a9n/s1080/Add%20a%20heading%20(1).png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1080" data-original-width="1080" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtHR5KLIg7Zxe3vtPYlyD7BPygBlwckzLCuQVZCdNcAO4dq-45GkyHdRzBFCetnuW0cR4QdLGclou7qrUQGA2KA8voGpYNugyBZvZlh07As63VsyTibwyUpFvYXHnzzHDL8tKu35AhbA82IgyTG99XUh3iVHq2fuzsK6zN-We2O9AUo7n9VFp37a9n/s320/Add%20a%20heading%20(1).png" width="320" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue";">My doorbell is broken; a wonderful way to avoid solicitors. I tried to fix it after moving in. It requires an App, of course. I couldn’t get the doorbell to sync, and gave up, but I still have the app on my phone and now I get neighborhood alerts. I avoided adding neighborhood watch apps because I don’t want to read about petty grievances with messy front yards or someones trash cans, so I ignore the notifications from the doorbell app.</span><p></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">My cat comes-and-goes as she pleases. I won’t see her for two weeks, but then she’ll saunter in at 2am, meow loudly, making the dog run laps in excitement that is wild older sister is visiting. She jumps on my dresser and stares at me with such intent, I don’t know if she wants me to pet her or she’s plotting an attack.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">In June, she must have taken to another family because she was gone. I thought she died, and was worried sick that Geoffrey would have a broken heart. I decided I’d just pretend she was alive, and I’d never tell the kids because they’re gone half the week, and will never notice. When Geoffrey leaves for college I'd retire the food dish. But my boyfriend and I were enjoying the Saharan heat one afternoon on the back porch and we heard her meow. I grabbed a flashlight and was convinced she was stuck under the deck, bending the chicken wire, telling him, “I see her!” I swear I saw her green eyes glowing in the light, but we heard another meow, I turned around, and she was walking towards us through the overgrown backyard like a tiny panther.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I think she is mad I freaked out when she brought in a dying baby bird. She dropped the bird at my feet and instead of praising her, I swept it out the backdoor and dumped it over the fence. Or maybe she’s pissed I raise my pets Christian Scientists to make them strong. I keep her food dish above the kitchen sink, and I refill it every couple days, so I know she’s eating at night.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I received a notification from my doorbell app for a found cat, and I thought it could be her, so I decided to check it out. It was a different cat. Then I scrolled, and I saw more postings about found or missing cats that weren’t Midnight, ending on a video post of a mountain lion walking through someones backyard at 1am. I shut the app, and said, “This is why I don’t look at this shit,” trying to wipe the video from my brain.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">In June, I told my sister about the cat’s disappearance, and she remembered how she lost my mom’s dog. My mom moped around crying and depressed, the entire time subtly blaming my sister for the dognapping. Then a month later, the dog showed back up, tied to the front door. My mom was overjoyed, but one morning while drinking coffee, my sister came in from working her overnight nursing shift, and my mom said, “You see how the dog is hiding his genitals, I think he’s been sexually abused.”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I wonder if my mom manifested her dog’s return. It reminds me of when Kiki was four years old, and we went to Vancouver. She left her baby blanket in the restaurant, and the next day she was devastated. We called the restaurant, and it was closed. When the taxi driver picked us up to take us to the airport we told him the story, and he said, “That’s where my son works! He’s probably there now.” And he called his kid, who said they had the blanket, and we picked it up a few hours before flying out of the country. I always think, "Of all the cabs!"</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The blanket mysteriously disappeared after my ex-husband starting saying things like, “She’s too old to be carrying around that filthy blanket.”<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">She became very secretive about her blanket, and would cram it under a pillow if anyone not related to her was around. Remembering the blanket, I got pissed off, and sent him a text that said, “Did you throw away Kiki’s baby blanket or just hide it?”<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">He wrote back, “What blanket?”<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I replied, “The pink one. Her prized possession that you thought was making her weak and pathetic."</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I’m blaming it on the heat, but I got caught up in negative thinking, so I decided to start listening to self-help audio books. It helped. The audiobooks are reminders for me not to boil over in rage when thinking about something that happened five years ago. Keeping those thoughts at bay are critical for opportunities that come knocking, otherwise I'm distracted and they’ll ring a broken doorbell. So I’ll refill my cat’s dish each morning, and not worry about a baby blanket thats been gone for five years. I’ve got more important things to do, like not think about mountain lions.</p>Bee Pleasehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16248770471450702296noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-581577202554868396.post-27849166384250493572022-08-16T11:10:00.007-07:002022-08-16T11:34:37.015-07:00Secrets to Success<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjIapJQxxkyy3hCsMA3iCH448IPBhH30Hp1w_P7gRIV5Su8FKFLug8pCLBtJ6S8--YllxxwPN_9dTfHkxXU4Qx1OXii63QXIb9JIVVTt36n2pqplEurIyiuHFVaQ5N77C16VQCHX4RPxPrcKpoeFJZD_N5xr278x4yZ0Qz0BCL_kzt4cc1Kmr3QqrPS/s1080/Secrets%20to%20Success.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1080" data-original-width="1080" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjIapJQxxkyy3hCsMA3iCH448IPBhH30Hp1w_P7gRIV5Su8FKFLug8pCLBtJ6S8--YllxxwPN_9dTfHkxXU4Qx1OXii63QXIb9JIVVTt36n2pqplEurIyiuHFVaQ5N77C16VQCHX4RPxPrcKpoeFJZD_N5xr278x4yZ0Qz0BCL_kzt4cc1Kmr3QqrPS/s320/Secrets%20to%20Success.png" width="320" /></a></div><br /><p><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue";">My mom called me very excited, and she reported, “You won’t believe what I just heard!”</span></p><p><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue";">“What?!” I said on the edge of my seat.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue";">“They’ve found a common factor behind the super successful like Bill Gates, Steven King and Elon Musk. They drink Diet Coke all day long. Or Diet Pepsi. Either one will work.” She said proudly, obviously, having just discovered the secret to success.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue";">I’m reading my annual parenting book. Parenting books are not my cup-of-tea because it’s hard to stay focused. I’m forced to re-read pages because my mind wanders into a daydream. It takes forever to get through one of them. I can’t remember what made me start this parenting book, it was so long ago when I cracked it open. Maybe the kids going back at school, or the intense closeness of summer. It's called The Conscious Parent, and really embraces the spirituality sold on Oprah, complete with the Tolle and Dalai Lama endorsement smacked on the cover. I’m digging the hippie-let-your-kids-be-themselves vibes.</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;">As a parent, I just try to be present, and listen. This usually means leaving my phone in the other room. I impart my wisdom best I can, and unfortunately this can involve scare tactics. Like Nancy Reagan, I stand at the frying pan and demonstrate “this is your brain, this is your brain on drugs” for my kids. Standing in shorts that are too small for me, and holding a spatula I just sang Rain On Me into, I remind my kids, “You have to take life seriously!”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I’m so worried about my kids being introduced to drugs I’ve implemented a “Just Say No” campaign in my house because I’m from a hippie town in Northern California called South Lake Tahoe. Yes, the international tourist destination. If you live there though, it’s sort of a bleak landscape, after you erase the beautiful landscape, because you see the peace-love-and-happiness intentions to self-destruction.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I have no idea if this label is PC, but it's for a character whose done so many hallucinogenics their brain doesn’t work properly, and Tahoe is ripe with them. They are called The Burnout. They’ve taken a plunge into psychedelics they weren’t able to fully come back from, and spend the rest of their adult life working jobs with a crew of high school kids, never noticing the growing age gap, and regaling the new-to-adulthood audience with stories from their wild partying days.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I met a bunch of burnouts in my youth. At the time, I thought they were cool, free-spirits, lighting the world on fire with their lack of inhibitions. But as I got older, they were unchanged. I remember going over to a coworker’s house, and she was dehydrating banana peels next to the heater vent because she planned to scrape out the inside of the peel and smoke it for a new trip. I thought what ingenuity, but a few years later when she died of a drug overdose, I could make some associations between drugs and living up to ones potential.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">It’s cool when people report of a singular psychedelic experience that changed their life because they felt an energetic connection to all life, the power of the mind, and a sense of reality being malleable. However, from my experience, this is few and far between, and I have to take a hard line because the nuance of drug use can't be conveyed to children. So I tell my kids that drugs are for losers! Yes, I said losers. You can put a red hat on my head, and a fish filet sandwich in my hand, but I care about my kids. So much so that I’m willing to read the most boring books, and let them drink Diet Coke at breakfast. Or Diet Pepsi. Either one will work.</p>Bee Pleasehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16248770471450702296noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-581577202554868396.post-60677150847513970982022-07-19T08:02:00.001-07:002022-07-19T08:04:29.769-07:00A Boy's Best Friend<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgd1aja4TEsFdgcbJv6_lTUv3m9CqWAvA8NQrPfXGRQUDdUJJ5zdipGoNr1XLm7D4rDNi8vBjpspyvD3Ug4TH3imZt0uFHa_onTwzS4nnf6jcnUADkRNEiZmQaDWUk9m6NQI2lMBcxVpxPp6aiqaHN6q7ECefc_xeR8ivJC8h2JYc9j_WDLA3E8A_8F/s1080/A%20Boys%20Best%20Friend%20Bee%20Please.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1080" data-original-width="1080" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgd1aja4TEsFdgcbJv6_lTUv3m9CqWAvA8NQrPfXGRQUDdUJJ5zdipGoNr1XLm7D4rDNi8vBjpspyvD3Ug4TH3imZt0uFHa_onTwzS4nnf6jcnUADkRNEiZmQaDWUk9m6NQI2lMBcxVpxPp6aiqaHN6q7ECefc_xeR8ivJC8h2JYc9j_WDLA3E8A_8F/s320/A%20Boys%20Best%20Friend%20Bee%20Please.png" width="320" /></a></div> <p></p><p><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue";">“Mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom.” Wakes me up every day. It’s either the middle of the night or the early morning. My son doesn’t walk into my room, he stands in the doorway and says “mom” from a whisper to a quiet yell. If my son is at his dad’s then my fur-son wakes me up. If I don’t wake up by sensing his moist nose an inch from my face, he sticks his tongue out and licks.</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">After waking up, I start the prepped coffee pot, and drink my first cup while staring at the ground, watching the carpet move in a psychedelic wave because I have thick sleepy residue coating my eyeballs. If it’s time with my son, we go through the rigamarole of him asking me to watch YouTube and play Fortnite. After he pouts, I seriously ask him, “Do you know me at all?”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Then he sings me songs that would get him suspended from school, and I low-key laugh and tell him he can’t ever say that stuff in public. He tells me to look up stock prices, we look at graphs we don’t really understand, and he tells me all the things he’s going to buy when he’s old. My coffee kicks in and I daydream about giving future interviews on Geoffrey to Biography Channel, “When he was a kid, he loved money and hated loosing games… we actually had to ban them because he flips game boards, cries and breaks things when he gets the sense he’s not in the lead, and his sister runs aways screaming, ‘He’s giving me anxiety!’”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">When my dog wakes me up, it’s a quieter journey from sleep-dream into daydream, but after the dog notices my face is unfurled, he’s ready to go on an outdoor adventure, also called the Max Poopfest. He starts his series of bowel unloading at the same spot. I tie that bag off and leave it at the top of the first hill we climb to pick up on the way back. From then on, I leave tied off poop-bags right next to the desecrated spot, to swoop up on the return.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">When the dog poops, I stand next to him and look at whatever house we're in front of. Usually the dog is obscured by some hedge planted in the 1970s, and my unanimated face takes in the house like Mike Myers standing in the street. I have yet to see someone in a window looking back at me, but I wouldn’t be surprised if the person flips me off and dramatically throws the curtains closed.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">On one stretch, the front yards of houses are separated from the road by a foot-wide strip of tiny white rocks. When the dog poops on this, I feel bad because I have to scoop the rocks up in the bag since they are disgusting and shit-covered, but I figure they’d prefer that when I justify their cost of replenishing the stolen property.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The house that starts this stretch is perfectly maintained. One time I left a bag of poop next to the mail box, and kept on running, but before I made it far, the owner was yelling at me that I forgot the dog’s poop bag. This man actually picked up the bag and because I had headphones in and didn’t really know what he was saying, he was throwing a pointed finger to the bag of shit. I yelled, probably very loudly because of the music blasting in my eardrums, “I'm getting the bag on my way back.”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I think the guy felt stupid, and I don’t really blame him, but maybe he has a problem with people leaving tied off bags of dog-doo next to his mailbox. I didn’t get too close to man because my dog’s reaction to anyone who is not within my inner-circle is to assume they are a psychopath trying to kill me. It’s down-right embarrassing, the dog’s unconditional love, but I shrug it off like I’m out with a pre-schooler asking inappropriate questions.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">At the top of the second hill is an elderly couple’s house. After our first chat she told me, “You can call me Grandma,” and I politely declined, since I don’t know her at all. Even the dog had issue with this possible-serial-killer-posing-as-a-harmless-old-lady, and he jumped back and forth from her feet, barking incessantly through the entire encounter. She didn’t seem phased, and asked me if she could give him a treat. I told her, “You can try, but he prefers dirty underwear.”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The four mile walk/run/stand my dog and I go through was an everyday occurrence in June because my kids were gone most of the month. My kids went on a trip with their dad the first part, and after they returned we had a nice four day stretch before they went off to my parents’ house to attend a Vacation Bible School. What really sold me on this summer camp was the cost, FREE! </p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Over the week, I was home with the dog happily working away, picturing the kids crafting, singing and playing games with new friends. My son refused to go the last two days, and spent that time following around my mom (not a surprise). I didn’t understand why he was so against the camp, but it all became clear; the price tag was a trick to sequester children and tell them<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>loads of crazy shit.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The last day of camp ended with a performance for the parents. Now I love Jesus, and Jesus songs (Father Abraham - it’s banger), but I wasn’t familiar with any of these songs. One song was about God’s creation of man and woman. The messaging was clear, there’s just two boxes that can be checked, male or female. My son refused to do the performance and stood cross-armed in the back. I sat in the front row, saved face, nodding my head to the beat and video taping my daughter.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The performance ended with a big barbecue. My sister and her child army were there too, so we claimed a picnic table by throwing all our crap on top of it, and got in the buffet line. When I returned to the table, balancing three plates, there were five other people squeezed onto the table with us. It was uncomfortably tight, but we couldn’t be rude, so I just side whispered to Becky, “What the hell?” And Becky looked at me like, “I know!”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">There was a man and woman and their three kids, the youngest one sat right next to me and coughed on my plate the whole time. My son was still getting back at me for sending him to camp so he refused to eat, and scowled at me. The woman picked up the pile of crafts her kids made, and said, it was all heading straight for the trashcan. Becky laughed, and told her, “I do the same thing.” And I looked at Becky like, “You lie! I know you will be scotch taping this shit to your walls upon getting home so you can admire your children’s art.”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The camp leader came over, and I said thanks. I told her, “Were Catholic, but I’ve been thinking of going to the big Christian church in our neighborhood because it has a much more of a fun vibe.” She told me, we’d be better off at the new church because then we’d actually learn scripture. I gave a half-smile and looked into her eyes that gave me the impression she was insane. When I told Becky that I feared the lady in charge of our kids the last five days was coo-coo-bonkers, she said, “Naaaahhh!”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">After camp ended, I loaded up the car with the suitcases, and my exhausted mom waved goodbye. We drove up the mountain, and hit a wall of traffic. In the four hours it took to move the wreckage of a semi-truck that crashed and caught on fire, the kids filled me in on all the lessons they learned throughout the week. Luckily, I was able to have this one-on-two time to undo any undoable damage. Hopefully, when they’re in therapy at 40, the remaining will be sorted out.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">They told me one of the camp counselors said her parents are Buddhist and it makes her sad to <i>know</i> they are going to hell. My daughter recently got over my brother’s kid telling her that her parents will most likely rot in hell for eternity because of our divorce, so I had to double-down on that conversation, and for the sake of my daughter, I assured her repeatedly, “Your dad is going to heaven.”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Then we got into the musical numbers they performed, and I explained to them that the “God made male, and God made female” song seems to have a relevant social agenda. When I sang, “God made man,” my voice was low and I raised a clenched fist, and when I sang, “God made female,” my voice was high and I flipped my wrist. Kiki understood, sort of. She said, “Ohhhh, it’s racist!” I said, “Sort of, it is like gender-racist because some people don’t want to be called male or female.” And she made sense of it all by saying, “That song is very gender-rude.” I agreed.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The last thing they brought up was evolution. The entire week they were told evolution isn’t real, and given loads of kooky arguments to support the claim. Something about the amount of salt in the ocean was the most compelling argument to the kids. I explained to them my thoughts on the entire evolution debate, “The fact that anyone can be so confident about what the world was like 100 million years ago blows my mind. In either case, it is on such a macro level, evolution has zero affect on the human experience.” I really don’t know where they stand on this, and to my point, I don’t really care.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">My son made it clear he didn’t let the messaging seep too deep into his brain, but my daughter will need to revisit this conversation 700 more times. I told them, “You’re better off ridding yourself of religious dogma. It’s sort of like a bag of dog shit you have to carry around with you, and even if you set it down, you still never forget it’s there because someone is going to point at it and yell at you, even if they look really stupid.”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Then, like a stroke of magic, the traffic started to move. I thought about church. I love going to church, it's an hour I think about all the people in my life, but I considered the call-and-responses throughout the hour, and how I've spent a lifetime saying, "Lord, I am not worthy to receive you," which is the exact opposite of the self-affirmation I have scotch taped to my bathroom mirror. It reminds me of Helly R in Severance, when she is hooked up to a lie detector and has to say over and over, "I am sorry, and sorry is all I am," until the polygraph shows she is telling the truth.</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I started to feel sad, but then I heard the kids laughing. My son moved on from resenting me and started singing one of his songs, lyrical cheap thrills to get us home. </p>Bee Pleasehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16248770471450702296noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-581577202554868396.post-69873867593988546442022-06-06T19:34:00.007-07:002022-06-07T06:44:38.867-07:00Smuggling Frozen Lasagnas<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjP-hNsX-pHwbLdoHrJYAvXWNes2gRnq4TV2-8dlyfk3sCLMJV0GepfO2LPX77r962xl3HqMNXqEn6bCT0g3g_rgMN69OFBfQHROBqK8BmRVufnrnVIU8AHQ1av0RfnY07kGaY1ezwcQ2AsFJjM4dUre9FF7RFKga1iX2u0dsqIoslEql0IM8MwbIjV/s1080/Smuggling%20Lasagnas.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1080" data-original-width="1080" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjP-hNsX-pHwbLdoHrJYAvXWNes2gRnq4TV2-8dlyfk3sCLMJV0GepfO2LPX77r962xl3HqMNXqEn6bCT0g3g_rgMN69OFBfQHROBqK8BmRVufnrnVIU8AHQ1av0RfnY07kGaY1ezwcQ2AsFJjM4dUre9FF7RFKga1iX2u0dsqIoslEql0IM8MwbIjV/s320/Smuggling%20Lasagnas.png" width="320" /></a></div><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue";"><p><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue";"><br /></span></p>Last month I got in trouble for going into my ex-husband’s house when no one was home. I wasn’t going through their underwear drawer, I was saving my frozen lasagna from defrosting because my freezer stopped working. I was with my son who needed to get his cleats for practice. He used the keypad to get in, and I’d usually sit in the car, but I thought, if I don’t do this slightly invasive but perfectly harmless thing, my $15 lasagna is wasted. I’ve got enough food-waste guilt. I felt really uncomfortable when he made me walk upstairs with him to show me his hamster. I said, “I feel weird, let’s get out of here,” and right after we were back in the car, his dad’s girlfriend showed up. The timing was perfection.</span><p></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">At G’s practice, a text came in: “Please don’t go into our house when no one is there.”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I got ready to text-fight, but lost my passion after my reply, “Like I want to steal your HomeGoods bull-shit,” didn’t warrant a response.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">My kids leave Wednesday for Italy, and they’re gone for two weeks. I hope their absence doesn’t send me into a depression, but rather a melancholic-creative zone of productivity. I haven’t been away from them for that long, and it’ll be way less abuzz around the house.</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">They’re going for their dad’s wedding. Who knows what compels someone to inconvenience everyone in their life by deciding to get married halfway around the world, but what’s the point of waxing over that now?</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">My kids’ dad had covid last month and he decided to quarantine twice as long as the CDC recommends, so the kids and I had a really long stretch of uninterrupted time together. I inevitably gained five pounds from constantly cooking food. When my kids are at their dad’s, I’m fueled on toast. It’s purely out of laziness. I don’t see any sense in dirtying plates when they’re away.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I’ve cooked proper-food-network-type of meals for my kids, but they’re so picky, its proven to be a total waste of time. Repeatedly. Last week, I boiled noodles and poured a jar of tomato sauce over it, and they reacted like I made a steak, mashed potatoes and a cherry pie. Such praise, and I didn’t even make them a side dish of toast. Really, they don’t like me to overthink things when it comes to their food.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I’ll miss their low expectations for dinner, my daughter's negative attitude and my son's impulsive insult-jokes resulting in some restriction that doesn’t seem to rattle him. My boyfriend and I will get to watch all the movies we’ve put off. We’re definitely caught up on TV shows. We're in the Second-Wave of the Golden-Age-of-Television and there’s a plethora of excellent mini-series! I wrote a friend of mine a few weeks ago, and couldn’t even list all the TV recommendations because it’s too much. We’ve watched Hacks, The Afterparty, Super Pumped, We Crashed, Candy, Pam and Tommy, The Dropout, I Love That For You, Russian Doll, and many more.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">All of this while keeping up-to-date on all AEW storylines. Where do we find the time? I have no idea, but I think we could both use more sleep. We also watched the first two seasons of Killing Eve. It started off great; an exceptional first season. Once season two kicks off, it becomes clear we’re no longer in a cat-and-mouse thriller between an MI6 agent and an international assassin, but were watching some fifty-shades-of-grey-BS for the sex-deprived housewife. The story took a plunge into titillation, but it’s well acted by the two main leads. The suspense of season one, will Eve finally catch Villanelle, morphs in season two to, will Eve and Villanelle finally finger-bang each other while listening to Crimson and Clover? Erotic fiction has a purpose, and if it keeps women from going out and cheating on their partners or yelling at store managers, than titillate away, but I don’t need it.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Speaking of sexless marriages, I do wish my ex-husband all the best. I’m happy my kids have another loving home; a home I can rely on for for my kids’ stability and frozen lasagna relocation. I encouraged their dad to take the kids out for some one-on-two time to assure them he’s always got their back. The specific words I used, “They need to understand you’re in an alliance with them,” as I was engrossed by the latest reality TV show craze, #CircleFam.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The kids are excited, and I’m excited for them. They’re off to see the world, and I’m off to watch movies with my boyfriend whose made Killing Eve unessential viewing.</p>Bee Pleasehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16248770471450702296noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-581577202554868396.post-62888832370893122982022-03-29T16:34:00.007-07:002022-03-29T16:40:40.201-07:00Alien Judas<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQ0Bm69jI5gajWqNLolDiDBad80-ksi-XzDDjY385A3m1jv5TFXomSy-u7eh95zlZnRA7vs75ezrh2CjxFJKH9gpDisH9hyJmHMkLd8Jf3tJ9KELEVH-iXywPs8EYAQXluXshKwK1KysxSPEfnPiaoM1qe4TEQly2ni3X1Qs_3ASUS8B4cV4l9PP6w/s1080/AlienJudas%20Bee%20Please.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1080" data-original-width="1080" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQ0Bm69jI5gajWqNLolDiDBad80-ksi-XzDDjY385A3m1jv5TFXomSy-u7eh95zlZnRA7vs75ezrh2CjxFJKH9gpDisH9hyJmHMkLd8Jf3tJ9KELEVH-iXywPs8EYAQXluXshKwK1KysxSPEfnPiaoM1qe4TEQly2ni3X1Qs_3ASUS8B4cV4l9PP6w/s320/AlienJudas%20Bee%20Please.png" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">My backyard was overgrown, so I went to Home Depot for a weed whacker. After I tied the dog to the fence because he was hell bent on getting a Glasgow Smile from the whipping twine, I slayed the overgrown grass. Toward the end of the spool, the twine got loose, and came out much too long. So the whacker had an 8 inch diameter. When this started, shrapnel flung about, and my legs were cut up. The small gashes on my legs, and the quick accompanying pain wasn’t completely unwelcome. It was sort of invigorating.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">It reminded me of this stupid thing we used to do in high school. First, we’d rip the safety out of a Bic lighter, then light the flame and hold the lighter upside down so the metal heats up. Once the metal was hot, we'd take the metal and smash it into our skin, branding ourselves with what looks like a smiley face.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>A barbaric practice, but I don’t think it was really like “cutting” because there was nothing therapeutic or shameful about it. It was just crazy young people stuff. Maybe we did it to forget how bored we were.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">My daughter was sent home from school last Thursday because she had allergies. I didn’t realize this was something that warranted a nurse’s visit, but I enjoy the company, and my kids’ sick days are really the only way we have one-on-one time. On the drive home, I asked her to go on a walk, and in a raspy voice she said, “I need to be inside because of my allergies.”</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I replied, “I think you need more exposure, Kiki, thats why you’re having this sensitivity.”</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">She told me allergies don’t work that way… she sounded pretty confident, so I believed her.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">My daughter wakes up every morning like she’s going off to a work camp, not elementary school. She gives very colorful speeches, about the campus and students. A personal favorite is when she screamed from her bed, “MY SCHOOL IS FULL OF HOBOS AND IDIOTS!!”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Between 6:30 and 7:30 am my daughter forgets all the perks of school, like free lunch and free counseling, instead she focuses on the awful. Ironically, she finds their “Positive Thinking” campaign to be a load of horse-shit, and laments in a mocking tone how they respond to any complaint with a blanket statement, “Think positive.”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">It warms my heart I don’t have to give her a discussion on toxic positivity. She innately understands Buddha’s quote, “Life is suffering.” I’m not against positive thinking, and encourage it, but I don’t think “positive thinking” is an indoctrination, and it certainly shouldn’t be attributed as the root of success.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">A few years ago, in a statistics class I taught, I started a project with the students about positive affirmations, but I had to stop the project because I read studies that showed this is very harmful because it encourages the belief that their lack or crappy circumstances is the result of their own thoughts. These are young adults, only 18-21 years old, so they are still reeling off the tides of their upbringing. It is not the same as life-coaching a thirty year old. So students in financial hardship, or dealing with family issues, are led to believe that these are the result of their own shitty thinking.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Wallowing in misery is also ill-advised. There’s no benefit to negative thinking, however, once you acknowledge feeling sad is sort of normal, then it makes feeling good great! Besides, I really believe great things are accomplished by interior suffering. That’s the Catholic in me.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I watched YouTube videos from people who micro-dosed shrooms. This was all first-hand accounts, and there wasn’t any science to it. The videos were entertaining enough, and the influencer discussed how after they took the micro-dose colors seemed brighter and there wasn’t any sadness in their heart.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I thought, “I’ve got to try this shit.” So we got a shroom chocolate bar that came in an Wonka wrapper. I ate the smallest dose and watched TV. It wasn’t any more enjoyable than watching TV after a gummy, and in the end I got a massive headache. So micro-dosing shrooms wasn’t some sadness-ridding ritual for me, but maybe I should have done something more meditative than four episodes of Shark Tank.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The kids and I watched Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory recently because G read the book in school. We were deciding which characters from the movie we’d all be. G is Mike TV, Kiki is Veruca Salt, and I thought I should be Charlie. They both nixed that idea straight away, but when I told them that I would share my birthday chocolate bar (traditional chocolate bar here) they countered I’m more like Violet because I punch them when they’re bad. These are not actual punches, I’d like to add. They are playful, non violent punches, but obviously Charlie doesn't embody such jest.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Geoffrey does like to go on walks with me, and we generally talk about Minecraft. The mosquitos have been out lately, and after we came back from a walk he counted five bites, and feverishly scratched them. I almost came at him with a punch, but stopped, and just said, “Stop scratching those bites.” And sounding like a Christian Scientist I added, “Leave it alone, and trust that your body is healing.”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">On this walk Geoffrey and I were talking about aliens, and we carried on the chat at home. With Kiki in earshot, Geoffrey told us he watched a YouTube video about a Tic-Tac shaped UFO. I said I saw a YouTube video about a cube-shaped UFO that shot out of the ocean.</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Kiki was silent and wide-eyed, then she looked at me and asked, “Is the front door locked?”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I believe aliens exist, and will tell any available ear about a dream I had where I was sucked up by a beam of light, and then felt terrible pain while something was digging though my organs. When I woke up, my body hurt, and I thought, "Could it be?!”</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">It didn’t scare me, actually it was the opposite. I thought, “Holy shit, I’m important enough for aliens!”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">But, when I looked at my daughter, and her heightening anxiety, I told her, “This is all baloney, Kiki. Aliens don’t exist, never have, and never will!”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I sounded pretty confident, so she believed me.</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p>Bee Pleasehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16248770471450702296noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-581577202554868396.post-88574430851858856362022-03-23T17:58:00.009-07:002022-03-24T08:50:41.176-07:00Groomed<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjRwyGPovztoh5AwDn38ynpjBmgbeNaQs0yyQJ5aSyFjz0vS_226SFgHz0yHZpR5Z9At-CVjbvi2JEeMw03Z726b5lmBD8nN_o_tngbdB8v1WJoE-peSXWrjvqJvN7PKbfpxLbZfNKb2xn-AefpEZMgAEt3SJnC6_JxA6S8TQYA4q8IMv0nRBuh62L/s1080/Bee%20Please%20Blog.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1080" data-original-width="1080" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjRwyGPovztoh5AwDn38ynpjBmgbeNaQs0yyQJ5aSyFjz0vS_226SFgHz0yHZpR5Z9At-CVjbvi2JEeMw03Z726b5lmBD8nN_o_tngbdB8v1WJoE-peSXWrjvqJvN7PKbfpxLbZfNKb2xn-AefpEZMgAEt3SJnC6_JxA6S8TQYA4q8IMv0nRBuh62L/s320/Bee%20Please%20Blog.png" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>I took my dog Max to a nationwide pet store for grooming, and after they checked his vaccination record (dogs have been doing it from the start) the groomer came over to meet him. She went to pet him, and he hid behind my legs and started barking. I apologized, like an embarrassed mom, and said, “He really is a great dog… he just assumes you’re evil.”</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>She continued the meet-and-greet by reaching her arm underneath him and brushing up against his penis. He nipped at her hand, and she stepped back with an appalled look on her face. My face went confused, and she said, “So yeah, we actually can’t see your dog because he shows sign of aggression.”</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>I replied, “But you just,” then whispered, "grabbed his penis! Does any dog pass this test?”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>She shrugged, and I realized there was no convincing this dick-grabber my filthy dog who was stinking up my house was desperate for a shave. I left and made him an appointment at the other nationwide pet store, where they didn’t grab his wiener, and he got the needed haircut.</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>My aggression’s been tested lately by looking at stocks I bought after I sold my house in June. All of them went up shortly after purchase, and I thought I was a psychic stock exchanger, and should quit my job because I was about to become a millionaire. My daydream turned into a daymare, and all of them have tanked. It is depressing to see these stocks sitting well below half of what I paid for them. I decided to stop looking, it would be stupid to sell them and take the significant loss, and now I have to hope one of them will turn into some Forrest Gump gold mine when I’m sixty.</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>One stock is the most upsetting, Electra Meccanica. I decided to buy it after I saw a model in the middle of Arden Fair Mall. A single seater electric car that came from the future. I thought it was genius, but after watching the stock’s line graph’s steep downward trajectory, I wonder if there really is a use for a single seater car. Who is that accepting of their lonely life, they’ll buy a car for just one person?</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>If the car is intended only as a commuter vehicle, then the mileage isn’t sufficient. The battery can’t even get you from Sacramento to San Francisco in one go. I sent them an email, since I have invested interest, suggesting they make a two-seater model that looks like a Suzuki Samurai or a Geo Tracker. These cars are compact and absolutely adorable — it’s auto fashion forward under the guise of making a better tomorrow. We'll see if I hear back from them. I don’t need any credit for the design idea… I’d just be grateful to see their stock sky rocket from hip youngsters buying these vehicles to carry around their pet bunnies and hydroflasks.</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>My refrigerator broke this week. It's not even eight months old, but it stopped working, and after eating the approaching room-temperature food, I decided I needed to deal with Lowe’s. I must have made the purchase when Mercury was in retrograde because it was a headache from the start. It took weeks, two credits and repurchases, to just get the damn thing in my new house. The kids and I lived like Europeans with a mini fridge that kept me from shopping at Costco and producing any food waste. Calling Lowe’s is a minimum of one hour on hold, there’s a good chance they’ll transfer you and then have another hour-plus hold, then there is the likelihood the representative is training and has a “drop the call” panic attack. I endured, and the technician is coming tomorrow between 8am and 4pm.</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Thursday is our only “activity-free” afternoon and I live for it. Geoffrey started Lacrosse, a foreign sport to me, that I’ve only seen in movies. After going to a few games and all the practices, it is a great fit for my boy since they spend an hour running around and beating each other with long sticks. I’m in awe watching the kids chuck a ball across the field where someone on the other side catches it with their tiny butterfly net. I don’t want to seem in such shock that I find this exchange borderline impossible, but I tell him to practice A LOT.</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>The games are fun, and the enthusiasm from the parents is next level. This east coast sport migrated over to sunny California, and the crowd cheers like were ringside to an AEW match watching Sammy Guevara flip off the top of a ladder with perfectly sculpted hair while wearing purple leopard print briefs. One mom’s passionate yelling sounds like she's in the bedroom; loud screams and moans, followed up by her kids name. Hilarious.</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Kingsley finds the practice and games to be inconvenient. She roams around whatever park were in until she finds some other bored sister to play with, which entails chewing gum and talking about the injustices of not having a sister. I don’t get the pleasure of stewing in this misery because I have two sisters, but I downplay it. I haven't told Kiki that nothing tops getting loud-mouthed drunk on Silver Bullets with your sister. Ah, the good ol' days.</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>In the morning I get up 15 minutes before the kids to have coffee and write in my journal. I start by writing dreams I had down so I don’t forget them, and then I get into whatever shit my mind’s brewing on. The other morning I was fixing breakfast and Kiki came up to me and said, “You had a dream you were talking to Pops about moving to New York?”<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>“Oh, you’ve been reading my journal.” I’ll start writing about how much I miss my sisters to deter her from continuing this invasive practice.</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>The last few weeks have been isolating, hence the uptick in dreams where I chat with dead relatives. I’m not about to purchase a one-seater vehicle, but it's not a good sign I hope the fridge technician likes to talk. My usual Wednesday morning meeting with Love Horrors has been cancelled. We make scrambled eggs and sourdough toast, discuss fun ideas, projects and jokes, then have a weekly cigarette. It's a slumber party packed into a couple hours. </p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span> </span>I talk on the phone a lot, but it’s exhausting when the call is dual stream of conscious chatter. I gauge how close my period is based on the tolerance I have for these calls. If I only make it five minutes before hanging up annoyed, then I’ll probably spend the next day eating a box of Reeces Puffs cereal and then tell myself the cure to my upset stomach is an animal-style cheeseburger and French fries.</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>I take to the streets to socialize, walking my dog. There are the power-walkers who give a wave, but then there are the meandering. If I give myself time, I can turn the walk into quite the social adventure. I recently met 82 year old Will, a widow, retired from the LAPD. We talked for an hour yesterday. I told him about the dog’s Petco visit. He's a cop, and bored out of his mind, and even he thinks dick-grabbing is lousy way to make an introduction.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjkOlRjCMdivT3sOhUTf_9flr3WqRml7bTFDzXihfWENROvt-CdXVuXiDywAWyCRyl989uANMhEBjDq6nvzGbUaAdP6g9OkWlBNfy4IqKvQgJgpDzUShju8JCBYu53EbpbMvcCRn4mTL4bJkdN8VBd3teJJWuRRHgSKua0QlOg5GE1aC6zS4R2A-x_r/s4032/IMG_5922.heic" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="4032" data-original-width="3024" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjkOlRjCMdivT3sOhUTf_9flr3WqRml7bTFDzXihfWENROvt-CdXVuXiDywAWyCRyl989uANMhEBjDq6nvzGbUaAdP6g9OkWlBNfy4IqKvQgJgpDzUShju8JCBYu53EbpbMvcCRn4mTL4bJkdN8VBd3teJJWuRRHgSKua0QlOg5GE1aC6zS4R2A-x_r/s320/IMG_5922.heic" width="240" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Max</td></tr></tbody></table><br /><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p>Bee Pleasehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16248770471450702296noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-581577202554868396.post-9476626545757191942022-03-01T21:21:00.002-08:002022-03-01T21:21:32.350-08:00Graphic Novels and a Revolution<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEiAV4P1_PoMlZHxEtkDDS7R13T7BADBnRwoKEQhZLM3SBmyXdhhn5chcoQYHszfuHJHuqMdyLurVonxu0dKaRRoIgqOr60u1P-fsQfuT-AQkelRqVzhyH7j4P-zb4j-J2GxhF2z5Tnhrr2rIJEjRJmeg_7x-L38hj9eQ5ruB4I2jiqFgwCxdyLc0Zki=s1080" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1080" data-original-width="1080" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEiAV4P1_PoMlZHxEtkDDS7R13T7BADBnRwoKEQhZLM3SBmyXdhhn5chcoQYHszfuHJHuqMdyLurVonxu0dKaRRoIgqOr60u1P-fsQfuT-AQkelRqVzhyH7j4P-zb4j-J2GxhF2z5Tnhrr2rIJEjRJmeg_7x-L38hj9eQ5ruB4I2jiqFgwCxdyLc0Zki=s320" width="320" /></a></div><p><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue";">I bought Kiki a new comic on Amazon. As I pulled the graphic novel from its package, I announced its arrival and she came running around the corner to get it from me. On the cover was the title, “A Girl From the Sea” and on the back was a drawing of two girls kissing.</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I groaned, “It’s about lesbians.”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">She said, “That’s okay, I love lesbians. You’re the one who hates lesbians.”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">“I don’t hate lesbians, I didn’t know if you’d be interested in a romance story,” I retorted.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">She snatched the book from my hands before I could add, “I love lesbians too… I agree with Germaine Greer,<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>for Pete’s sake, but I’m just too much of a pussy to commit to the revolution, and I feel like a betrayer of my sex every time I bask in hetero post-coital pleasure.”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">It seems revolutionary for kids to be such advocates of the sexuality spectrum because <i>it’s about sex</i>. By the time I was their age I already read The Joy of Sex, and leafed through Playboy magazines, which likely contributed to the construction of my sexual self, but if there’s a rating scale, my early exposure would be G rated compared the what the internet provides.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">We were driving around the other day and Kiki announced, “I don’t know if I’m straight yet, so that’s why I say I am bisexual.”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I gave a heavy sigh, and didn’t know what to say, although my instinct was to shout, “You’re asexual. Alright, all ten year olds are asexual.”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The internet is the only thing holding me back from ever wanting to buy my kids cell phones. It was in fifth grade I came home from school, and asked my mom, “What is a blow job?” She looked at me and said, never say that word again.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">“So, it’s one word!” I thought to myself, as I pranced upstairs to my older brother and sister who told me exactly what a blowjob is. I don’t even remember thinking, “Blowjobs seem weird.” Actually, I can’t remember thinking much about it after they told me.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Social media is scientifically proven to be awful for young people’s mental being, so it seems like a no-brainer to deny them the time-vacuum of scrolling through meaninglessness. Young boys have uncontrollable, wall-punching, rage when their cerebral cortex isn’t being hijacked by screens, and girls are lured to cut all their hair off, dye it green, and make everyone call them by a chosen name, like “Pickle.” The green hair and name change are a lot less terrifying than untethered aggression.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I wonder how long it took for gender theory to trickle down from academia to now being on the forefront of young people’s radar, and how Greer’s theories never seemed to make it. I suppose The Female Eunuch has to combat capitalism, and the gender spectrum embraces the free market, since you can buy a t-shirt at Target labeling yourself as fluid.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I have a t-shirt that says, “I’m the Boss.” My t-shirt lies, and I don't wear it often, mostly on laundry days when I’m down to wearing crotchless panties and twenty year old stained sweatpants. My laundry’s been elevated lately after buying amazing fabric softener beads at Costco. I’ve steered clear of fabric softener the last eight years because my sister told me, “Fabric softener causes vaginosis.”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">“Say no more. Vaginosis sounds horrible, I’ll stop using it.” But the little pink pellets added to the wash make it smell amazing, and there hasn’t been a medical side effect yet.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I’m going off social media for lent, and we’ll see if it decreases my anxiety. I’m not a stress case, but I’m no poster child for calmness either. I’ll give my boyfriend an early birthday shoutout before I make my non-Irish-exit, because he’ll appreciate it. Reading comments on his active social media accounts sends my anxiety through the roof because I read some of them as creepy desperation from people slobbering at the mouth over his key strokes. They’ve ruined the internet for me, and I guess I should thank them, but their strange inclination to insert themselves into a person’s reality makes me consider them wayward soldiers. Consider if they put that energy into the revolution, or anything progressive for that matter.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">If Greer’s plan to abolish monogamy for the sake of the revolution didn’t trickle down, I’m grateful because it’s nice sharing a bed with someone, and late-night planning the inscription on our massive shared tombstone. I missed him when he left town last weekend for work. I had big plans to walk around and fart freely, but it was boring at night. The kids were excited for his return too. When he was back he played Barbies with Kingsley, and was directed to play the Barbie whose hair is all chopped off and colored with a permanent marker because she lost all her Ken dolls. I told her I turned some of my Barbies into Kens too, when I was a kid. They even used the proper pronouns and called the desecrated Barbie they/them.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I received a terrible phone call this week that my Grandma fell over in the parking lot in Carson City, and is in the hospital recovering from a fractured pelvis. I told Johnny, and he said Geoffrey asked him to get three tickets to watch a King’s game, so they could take Grandma J because she loves basketball too, and it made me feel so proud of my little boy and his beautiful heart.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I told my kids about their Great Grandma, and they were relieved the news wasn’t worse. I said, “Always have the thought of Grandma’s healing in your heart, and picture us all at her 100th birthday party.” I want her to be a great-great-grandma one day. She is so close because that’s what happens when you get married at 15.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Greer would despise her life, but she’s a perfect example of living without stress. A non-technological existence, she never has to worry about announcing to her kids, “I have to take a poop,” bored, during a zoom meeting, not realizing her microphone is turned on.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">My reliance on technology isn’t all bad. I get embarrassing joy playing Sudoku on my phone, and I told my boyfriend I play to get comments, “You’re faster than 95% of players” or my all time favorite, “You’re brilliant!” And he told me he gets the same joy from playing golf on Xbox, and lately the commentators have been calling him “The greatest golfer to ever play the game.”<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">With our growing dependence on technology, a part of me advocated for Ted Kaczynski in the new biopic, and I wondered if he’ll be viewed as a revolutionary in 100 years when the people of the world abandon wearing t-shirts with labels and slogans for the sake of saving the planet.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Like Ted K, I’ve convinced myself there’s a war to wage on technology, but I haven’t conjured up a plan. Given my lack of tenacity with last year’s lent, making it one day in before I thought, fuck it, I’m eating gummy worms, I doubt I will be able to do much more than stave off depraved google searches from my kids and learn never to read comments on social media posts. A very small revolution.</p>Bee Pleasehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16248770471450702296noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-581577202554868396.post-88608989159443349082021-12-30T14:03:00.004-08:002021-12-30T14:03:59.339-08:00Running a Marathon<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEiQHok3TZCs01rlgLP2ZH7SoBs6CDOkSeOaVtO4Hq6iVbtbEVrFpu4J_SJU2gnrfoZnxw_jOMp8ZxInReOOKCbw5tYzA4lesuHdggbCFZdHOlU-AOYB2F2JfEsGj1FkGhorjdmFI_2cDXOsOJlz44mm5xWYZDGA620b1F0nluTAfZN5Rr-2mHmaxSsj=s1080" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1080" data-original-width="1080" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEiQHok3TZCs01rlgLP2ZH7SoBs6CDOkSeOaVtO4Hq6iVbtbEVrFpu4J_SJU2gnrfoZnxw_jOMp8ZxInReOOKCbw5tYzA4lesuHdggbCFZdHOlU-AOYB2F2JfEsGj1FkGhorjdmFI_2cDXOsOJlz44mm5xWYZDGA620b1F0nluTAfZN5Rr-2mHmaxSsj=s320" width="320" /></a></div><p></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The date approached quickly, and when I woke up at 4:50 am, I was glad it wasn’t raining. I slept like crap because the dog was scratching his collar all night. After the alarm went off I put on the clothes I laid out and drove to the Whole Foods parking lot to catch a shuttle bus to the start of the California International Marathon.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">When the bus arrived, there were a hundred more in front. The bus idled, and someone came on to tell us, we could stay on the heated bus or get off, but don’t leave any of our crap. I ate two nature valley granola bars, so really four granola bars, and drank water before I decided to walk toward the start line. Along the way men were pissing off the side of the walking path into a small stream, and even with this siphoning of exhibitionists, the lines for the endless chain of port-a-potties were enormous. Not sure if I had to pee, or if I was nervous, I decided to wait in line, knowing by the time I reached the front, I’d have to go.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I took my place in the ten minute mile group. Even though I didn’t train, I felt fine because I run four days a week, granted it’s with a dog that stops to pee on every bush, and in the end I get about four miles done in an hour, but I figured the height of my psychical fitness lied within me, waiting to be awakened.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The race started, and I took it one mile at a time. Two people gave me advice, my friend Jane, who said it would be fine, as long as I drank the water at every water station, and my older sister, Lacey, who said, “Anyone can run a marathon, you just can’t stop.” Lacey ran a marathon in Disney World ten years earlier with my little sister, who said Lacey spent the last five miles crying to an embarrassing degree but was too absorbed in her emotions to notice the looks she was getting.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I did great the first two-thirds of the race. In fact, at the end of the race I was annoyed by my chipper self at the beginning, taking notes in my phone so I’d remember things to write in my blog, waving to the sidelines cheering crowds, and thinking about everything I was grateful for.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I stopped journaling a few months back because I burnt out on it. When I started gratitude journalling in June, it turned into a painful exercise where I felt like I was lacking genuine feeling, rather on task for the promised rewards of an endless depth of riches.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The new-age “organized religion” of well-to-do white people claiming their exceptional good fortune comes from their undeniable connection to the universe rather than a social caste system is irritating. I imagine the conferences for these mindfulness gurus are 95% Lululemon models, and they’re too idiotic to realize the confounding factors of their good fortune.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Around mile 20 my joy shrunk down to nothing, and I had to push through unfamiliar pain. I started being passed by waves of people I remembered flying by much earlier.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">There is not a physical limitation to running a marathon, aside from having legs. Women with a hundred pounds on me, we're jogging past. Old people, that looked like they just came from a Chiquita Banana commercial, trotted past, head down, forward momentum from their curved back pushing them through each step. At one point a women passed me pushing an adult man in a reclining wheel chair. She smiled at me, and I smiled back, giving her a pained thumbs up.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The only people I passed over the last five miles were the injured, sitting on the side of the road, fighting back tears, stretching out whatever atrocity happened to their body. These people actually looked like Fleet Feet sponsored athletes, lean and muscular, dressed in the most appropriate attire, which made it more sad.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The race started in Folsom and ended at the state capitol building in Sacramento. Midway through the race, when I still had space in my mind to think, I ran through my old neighborhood, Carmichael, the neighborhood I associate with my married years. We ran passed my old grocery store, library and cross streets. I remembered seven years earlier, when I had the kids in a jogging stroller and I ran into this marathon. Someone on the sidelines congratulated me, and I had to admit, I didn’t push my kids in this stroller the 15 miles prior, I just came from around the corner. The neighborhood looked beat up, and there were more homeless tents, but maybe it always looked like that.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I passed the office of a psychic I once visited. She ate McDonalds and drank a red bull while she told me nothing exciting, and I left there feeling like I wasted money. Maybe she knew I would try to change things if she said what laid in store for me.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Like all psychics, she closed up the session by telling me coins I find on the ground are from my dead relatives saying hello. I passed a penny laying on the ground five times over the entire marathon. I usually pick up this minimal monetary treasure, for luck, but I couldn’t stop on the run for fear I’d end up stuck in the bent over position. Someone once told me, “Never pass a coin in the street, it tells the universe you don’t want money.” I figured in this case I was telling the universe I value my health over money, and they’d appreciate that.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">It was the beginning of December, and I didn’t start Christmas shopping. My kids’ ridiculous list of Christmas wants were laughable, and I did everything to curb their expectations of getting iPhones and computers. I planned on buying them a PC, but when my son was sent home a letter from his teacher reprimanding him for not listening to her, I said there would be no computer and he lost TV.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">That night I walked to G’s room. Kiki and him were laying in bed, and before I was at the door, I heard her say, “She was never a good mother to you.”</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I came around the corner shouting, “Kingsley!”</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">She whipped her head towards me, and a smile came across her face. “I am trying to comfort him… because he lost TV,” she said.</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">“Don’t tell him stuff like that! It’s psychotic.”</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Later that week, at bedtime, she started crying, too absorbed in her emotions to see how ridiculous she sounded, “You aren’t going to buy me a laptop! That is all I want for Christmas.”</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I was brushing her hair, and her emotions were impenetrable, so I jokingly said, “What do you need a computer for? You plan on writing a manifesto.”</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">It went unnoticed, aside from my boyfriend, who chuckled in the other room.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I was expecting a divine moment when I was running the marathon, maybe a vision from God. It didn’t happen. In front of the last Del taco I’d run past, my boyfriend texted, “How are you doing?”<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I could be on the side of the road, with a flat tire, and a broken arm, and I’d write back, “Doing great!” But this time, all I could say was, “I’m doing OK.” Which meant, “Tell my children I love them, and not to fight over the $1,200 I have in my savings account… it has to go to my credit card.”</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The closest I got to an out of body experience was when my hands started to tingle at the start of the last mile. I decided to walk in case I pass out. Entering Midtown Sac, the streets were lined with poster board waving crowds, my favorite board read “Run Bitch!!” I alleviated the stress with humor, and let all the spectators know, this is the only marathon I’d ever run.</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">A finisher passed me, and said, “You say that now!”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I jogged across the finish line, and was handed a much deserved medal. Someone handed me a ticket for a free beer, and I asked if I could get a Marlboro Light instead. With no one there to celebrate with I hobbled over to the shuttle busses heading back the the Folsom Whole Foods. I chatted with other finishers, and when they saw me descend from the bus like a woman who was taking her first steps in a decade, one man said, “You need to have a glass of wine and get in a hot bath.”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I didn’t tell him my bathtub is really only good for toddlers, and any full grown adult, has to sit with her tits out in the freezing cold. It’s the opposite of relaxing. I just said, “Oh, I’m an alcoholic, I’ll just take some ibuprofen.” He apologized for some reason.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I hobbled around Whole Foods to buy dinner, and drove home. I took a shower before my kids came back, and the moles on my stomach were circled with blood from my t-shirt rubbing them for five hours. They begged to put up the Christmas tree, and my immobility forced us to have to wait till the next day.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Christmas came, along with record breaking snowfall in the mountains, which equates to never ending rain in Sacramento. My boyfriend pulled back the curtains in our bedroom this morning, and said, “It looks like an ad for seasonal depression out there.”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The weekend before Christmas, my kids went to their dad’s, and we wrapped presents. The kids called and said, “Were driving to <i>the snow</i>.” They said “the snow” some some soft-pawed, city-slickers, and I imagined them parked along side the summit with a slew of other underused SUVs, wearing pristine snow suits, and riding a saucer down a carved out hill, with a million other people..</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I took the kids to Tahoe the week before, and when I picked up Indian food from the liquor store at the end of the street, the cashier said, “I took off your twenty percent local’s discount.” I haven’t lived in Tahoe in over twenty years, but I still got the essence of someone who can drink twelve Coor’s Lights while shoveling snow in a t-shirt. We went sledding that week, with my sister and her kids. We hiked out into the middle of nowhere, and after finding a slope steep enough Becky would send them down what ended up looking like a Plinko board of decent, and my job was to fetch the sleds the kids would drop, flying a hundred feet away, while they were trudging up the hill. The outing ended the way it should, someone getting injured, and everyone suffering from extreme cold and snow in their boots.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I was nervous Christmas morning, my kids would be unsatisfied by their loot, and then let me know it. My strategy for any rudeness was to watch Manchester By The Sea as a family, and afterward, while we’re all recovering from sobbing hysterically, I tell them, “This Christmas I gave you the gift of gratitude.” I’d put on Lululemon leggings before. I didn’t have to worry about it because their dad bought them computers, so everything I gave them was a cherry on top.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I woke up the day after Christmas with the craziest pain in my left wrist, that I diagnosed as carpal tunnel syndrome brought on from a lifetime of going to bed like a Precious Moments ceramic figurine, curled up on my side, with prayer heads under my cheek, but it also could be that my resting position is a limp-wrist, hunched-over, George Burns. I bought a brace on Amazon, the last of my Christmas shopping.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">That night I dreamed I had a baby, and it was Jesus. My message from God came. Of typical fashion, it was a month late, and I have no idea what it means. With the marathon off my bucket list, I have other resolutions to foster, some seem harder than running twenty-six miles. It might be worth gratitude journalling again, and if I’m feeling misdirected in my intention, I’ll watch Manchester By The Sea. Everything is like a marathon, really; the long game, a push through, a reliance on hope. Sometimes a penny on the ground is worth more than one cent, and if I'm going to have depression, than seasonal depression is the best kind. So if you ask me how I am, I'm back to saying, "I'm Great!"</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Happy New Years everyone!</p>Bee Pleasehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16248770471450702296noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-581577202554868396.post-33924665104266186692021-11-04T12:38:00.003-07:002021-11-04T12:38:29.949-07:00Texas Salvation<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-UzP638n4F4M/YYQ2oW31C0I/AAAAAAAATfs/i8qUWPb5chk9r9CUCJtSgLisx2nGYXMIwCLcBGAsYHQ/s1080/Bee%2BPlease%2BBlog.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1080" data-original-width="1080" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-UzP638n4F4M/YYQ2oW31C0I/AAAAAAAATfs/i8qUWPb5chk9r9CUCJtSgLisx2nGYXMIwCLcBGAsYHQ/s320/Bee%2BPlease%2BBlog.png" width="320" /></a></div><p></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The night before we left for Austin, I rushed into my house after dropping the dog off at my parents, an hour and a half away, and taking my kids to their dad’s. I was having extreme cramps in my stomach, and the pain was so bad I nearly passed out, but after I laid in bed for an hour I felt much better. I finished packing my brand new suitcase, a small rolling black Sampsonite my mom gave me for my birthday, with all my favorite clothes, most of which I’d acquired over the last year at my retail job, taking advantage of my amazing employee discount. Then we set the alarm for 5 am, and went to sleep.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">We made it to the airport during what could best be described as a monsoon that had been beating down on Sacramento for 3 days. When we pulled into the long term parking lot, the clouds parted, and the rain stopped. We made it through security and on the first flight with ease, so much ease that I said, “Things are going so well.”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I spoke too soon. After we landed in Denver, Colorado, we had an hour to get food and go to the bathroom. I headed for a food stall that had pre-made salads, a preventative measure to my jacked up vacation stomach. I got my salad, and sat next to Johnny on the floor by the people-mover-conveyer-belt in front of our gate. After eating, it was time to board the plane, and we got up and walked to the queue. Johnny said, “Hey, you forgot your suitcase.”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I turned around to get it from where we were sitting, and it wasn’t there. My bag disappeared. I ran to every place I had been. Our turn to board the plane was coming up quick. I went up to the United counter at the gate, panting from sprinting up and down the terminal, I said, “My bag is lost!”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">She looked at me like I said, “I have herpes.” She was bothered, and helpless, so I ran what seemed like a mile, down to the customer service counter and she told me I have to fill out a claim online. There was nothing I could do. I needed to get on the plane, with just the clothes on my body and my purse, that thankfully had my laptop. I sprinted back to the plane, and boarded. The United employee burst with schadenfreude, as she waved me away. I tried to not project all my stress onto this miserable sap.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I’m a white woman, so of course, I’m writing a letter to United explaining the injustice. The letter starts, <i>Dear United, Most of your employees have been replaced by robots, and your remaining human workforce is only in tact so you don’t have to pay taxes on your billions of dollars of annual revenue, but could you just give these people a paycheck and have them sit in an employee lounge all day because their misery is triggering. They have no purpose, and know it. Their only sense of power is by enforcing people to pull their mask over their nose. Traveling is stressful enough. I also think you should give the woman at the customer service counter a bonus.</i></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">When we got off the flight in Austin, and walked to the car rental, I started shuffling through my purse to pull out my glasses that are usually smashed under everything, at the bottom of the bag. Not surprising at all, I lost them on the last flight.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I didn’t say, “Things cannot get any worse,” because I was now in a state of internal conflict wondering what the hell the universe was trying to tell me as I shed my favorite personal possessions on the journey from Sacramento to Austin. I walked away from that stress the best way I know how, compartmentalizing it to the tiniest space in the back of my mind.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">When we checked into the hotel, the guy at the front desk was Texas nice, and we had the first of many chats.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>As he was sliding our key cards in the envelope, he said “We have breakfast from 6:30-9:30 in the lobby.”</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Johnny and I were all smiles, about to high-five, when he noticed our unnecessary excitement and added, “Oh, It costs money.” And we laughed at our intense reaction to possible complimentary breakfast.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">After vegging out in the hotel, we went to Target to get me situated. The trip was for Johnny’s performances, and I packed accordingly, to be a very pretty plus one. So when I looked at the curling irons, razors, and make up, tallying up the costs, I thought, “Maybe I can pull off the upcoming string of nights out going au natural.”<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">My au natural look resembles a woman who pulls over when she’s sees roadkill, to make a stew for dinner, so I just bought all the shit. I’d eventually have to replace it all anyways.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">We went to the clothes section, and after seeing the price tags, I decided I should go to<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>Forever 21, because the slight difference in Target prices to Nordstroms was not happening. I foraged the clearance rack, that had only XL or XS random articles of clothing and I picked up a pair of shorts for bedtime. I went with XS, and looked like I was wearing giant underpants made of sweatshirt material.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">In the morning, we slept through breakfast because we adapted right to the vacation schedule, and stayed up till 3 am watching TV. With our busy life back in Sacramento, we took advantage of our vacation appropriately, and over the week we watched The White Lotus, finished Squid Game, and caught a few movies.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">We headed for the mall, and I bought enough clothes to get me through the week. Unable to escape the Forever 21 demographic, I looked like I was going through an identity crisis, pretending I was 20 years younger. I picked up underwear at Victoria’s Secret, and the sales girl’s cold sore concerned me as she wrapped the undergarments in tissue paper, but I have no access to a washer machine, so I decided to play Herpes Russian roulette, and just rip the tags off each morning, and put on a new pair.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">My looks didn’t disappointed because the second night of shows Johnny was approached by a friend, asking if we were up for some group sex! He respectfully declined, and as he retold me about it later, he started with, “You might be flattered by this, but…”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I was flattered, giving some air snaps, thinking, “We’ve still got it!” But one woman’s fantasy is another woman’s nightmare, and if I had to watch my boyfriend have sex with another woman, I would have to file my letter of resignation with him the next day, starting with, “It’s been nice knowing you, but I’d prefer if we didn’t remain friends.”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">My last day of vacation is filled with melancholy, missing home but also sad to have to go back to reality. We drove out to the Chainsaw Massacre gas station, hit up the movie theater and then went for one more meal of tacos. When I went to the bathroom, like all the hip establishments we’d been to, the toilets were all-gender. I came back to the table, and announced, “We might not be having group sex, but we can always take a couples shit! If you’re up for it.”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">He respectfully declined.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The next day, I packed up my Target shopping bag, and we flew home.</p>Bee Pleasehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16248770471450702296noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-581577202554868396.post-33911986266650867302021-10-05T22:29:00.007-07:002021-10-05T22:29:54.993-07:00So Naive<p><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-x9VTGsY5f10/YV00Kpx7atI/AAAAAAAATeQ/RxUzbNtiyyM_2-bVbfC5X_q4lQ4p4xjbwCLcBGAsYHQ/s1080/So%2BNaive.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1080" data-original-width="1080" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-x9VTGsY5f10/YV00Kpx7atI/AAAAAAAATeQ/RxUzbNtiyyM_2-bVbfC5X_q4lQ4p4xjbwCLcBGAsYHQ/s320/So%2BNaive.png" width="320" /></a></div><p><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue";">I added Blockduko on my phone. It's a game that combines sudoko and Tetris. A perfect combination, that swept me off my feet. The first day was fine, but my time on it increased rapidly from each day on. Seven days later I deleted the game when I spent three and a half hours on a Saturday afternoon playing blockduko and getting fake wasted on non-alcoholic beers.</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">After pulling myself out of the time warp of fitting shapes into squares, I looked at the disastrous room I had yet to organize from moving, and wished I had those three and a half hours back.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">A pile of clothes, no a mountain of clothes sits in the middle of my room. An island I rummage through, then decide on the same t-shirt and jeans that are in the dryer.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">My daughter sees this peak of cotton, synthetics, silk and denim as an island to explore full of hidden treasures. One night, when I was working in the living room, she saunters in wearing a business suit draped over her tiny body.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Forming an archipelago, there’s smaller islands, one of shoes, another of purses. Her suit is accessorized with a pair of pumps and a beaded handbag. The shoes fall off her feet with each step, but her clinched toes, drag the them along with her.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">“Stay out of my clothes!” I yell at her.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Relishing in the dazzling image of herself, she ignores what I’ve said, and says, “Pretend I am your employee, and fire me!”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I resist the urge to become enraged, and say, “Fine you’re fired!! Now go take my clothes off!”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Then she said, “I am going to find the perfect outfit for you to rehire me!” And runs off.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I do what I usually do when frustration peaks, I announce I am going to the bathroom, and it will take a while. Then I head to the place I find solitude and usually play solitaire sitting on the porcelain throne.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Plumbing is the first understanding when moving into a new place. I soon discovered the toilet in my bathroom doesn’t flush completely. It can take five flushes to clear a bowl. My friend came over, and she went in to use the toilet, and remembering this shitty quirk, I ran after her screaming, “Nooooooo.” But it was too late, she’d lifted the seat.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Profusely apologizing, I told her to use the kids bathroom. “This one’s got issues!” She suggested a plumber, and I thought, “That’s not a bad idea.”<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Since this moment of solitude was a pretend-number-two, I went to my bathroom. However, I wasn’t playing my usual solitaire, I had Blockduko, and once I start the game, seconds turn to minutes. After an unknown amount of time my daughter bursts in wearing a long skirt, and a sequin dress. This time she has an entire face of make up, bright red lips and blue eyeshadow. She says, “How can you say no to this?” And fans her hand down her body showcasing her fashion choices.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Reeled back to reality, I insist on privacy, and a voice in my head that says, “One more game, Alicia!”<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">“No!” A second inner voice yells, and then adds “That could be another hour! And imagine all the intel China has gleaned on us from playing Blockduko 20 plus hours this week.” The first inner voice rebuttals, “Oh wow, they’ve learned were a real threat to the People’s Republic due to our incredible capabilities of procrastination and terrible time management.” I sided with the second inner voice, even though the first was right too.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I went to stand up, but my legs were numb. Like Murtagh in Lethal Weapon 2, stuck on the can from a toilet bomb, I needed Riggs to pull from bowl. Except I didn’t have a Riggs there, and had to get myself up on legs lacking any feeling.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">My boyfriend moved in this week, and now I have a Riggs, although I would rather blow up on a toilet than have him pull me from my own waste. I’ve mostly kept the facets of my life disjoint; my kids, boyfriend, work, even writing. So the major overlapping that is taking place gave me anxiety that reared its head while I slept; in a string of dreams about a lion in my house, followed by murderous nightmares.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">My biggest worry about us all living together was how the kids would feel, their happiness. They also won’t appreciate another person using their bathroom for the greater of the two options. Of course, I had other concerns, because it’s already a lot having to clean up after the three of us.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">My kids gave me those posters in preschool with their handprints and an accompanying poem, about how their tiny handprints wouldn’t be on my walls forever, yet I am still finding their hand prints all over my freshly painted walls, reminding them they assured me this would be over by now. I’d pull out their preschool crafts as contracts, but they’re lost in the moving boxes.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">When my boyfriend and I talked about the move, I confessed, “Im just worried you could be a slob.” And then we looked around at the mess, and both had a laugh. The scene of a big, happy, messy family.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The first night we were all together went better than expected. There weren’t any unravellings, or arguments, and we all went about our business in a copasetic ballet. I’m excited for this new chapter. It will be nice to have a witness to the madness. Someone to laugh with when G drinks vitamin water like he’s blowing on a trumpet, and lets the bottle suction to his lips, so he ends up with a hickey around his mouth for days, or when Kiki, at nine years old, announces to me she’s bisexual before I’ve had my first sip of morning coffee.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Last night, I was cleaning around the house and heard the kids talking to Johnny in the living room. One of them asked him, “Johnny, are you part of our family now?” My heart swelled, momentarily, because then I looked down and saw the jewelry box drawers open and earrings flung about. Before I could come out shouting, I saw a tiny sample bottle of cannabis intimacy oil in the drawer. I threw it out, organized the mess, and thought, “We’ll just let this one slide.”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">My mom called me the next day, and asked, “How did the move-in go?”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I told her, it went great. She was cleaning around her yard, bear scat from bears coming to eat apples off the trees. “The bears love me, Alicia.” She said.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">“You’re just like Brad Pitt in Legends of the Fall, Mom.”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">“Bears are our spirit animal,” she reminded me. Then she added, “I just don’t need to see their shit every time I come outside.”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">“I know exactly what you’re talking about. But I’m tired of seeing my own shit.” Without the game distracting me, I finally cleaned all the clothes off my floor, combining all the islands in the closet. Standing back, it was a little disorganized, but it looked good.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Last night Geoffrey came into the room to sleep next to me. In the morning, Johnny was curled up in the fetal position, freezing because tiny G wrapped himself in the comforter like a taquito. After I came back from dropping the kids off at school, we had coffee, and he asked, “Remember that first night we hung out?”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Of course, I did. We were both newly single, and wanted to keep things light. Then he said, “Remember how we said we can’t fall in love with each other.”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">We laughed out loud. How could we have been so naive? We go together like Tetris and Sudoku.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p>Bee Pleasehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16248770471450702296noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-581577202554868396.post-36917855228790225402021-09-03T21:24:00.012-07:002021-09-04T10:10:01.999-07:00Little Girl Blue<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-clUkyzzzJ0k/YTL0i1ES-3I/AAAAAAAATdA/Yl79If0MepwyVdyU7ilWaN3P4Z9ORz8PgCLcBGAsYHQ/s1080/Bee%2BPlease%2BBlog%2B%25281%2529.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1080" data-original-width="1080" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-clUkyzzzJ0k/YTL0i1ES-3I/AAAAAAAATdA/Yl79If0MepwyVdyU7ilWaN3P4Z9ORz8PgCLcBGAsYHQ/s320/Bee%2BPlease%2BBlog%2B%25281%2529.png" width="320" /></a></div><br /><p></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">On the drive to school in the morning, I put on an uplifting tune to get the kids in good spirits. The other day I put on “Top of the World” by The Carpenters, and we passionately sang along.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I looked at my daughter and said, “Isn’t Karen Carpenter the best!”</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">She took it as a question, and replied, “I don’t know… Taylor Swift is pretty good.”</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">When we join up with the serpentine car line, my daughter turns the music off, embarrassed someone could hear us.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Sometimes the morning music works, and sometimes it doesn’t. If we’re in a rush my daughter literally falls apart. Hurriedly getting out of the car, she pulls her backpack with such fury, all the contents spill onto the curb and then she screams, without any concern that she’s surrounded by loads of people.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The other day, more accustomed to the anxiety of car line drop off, she had minimal damage. Only her water bottle fell out of the side pocket. Her mood intensified, and she looked at me and screamed, “I hate you.”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I waved goodbye, and rolled out of there, but having my daughter yell, “I hate you,” to me had a reverberating effect, that I squelched by eating 3 muffins and a granola bar as I worked at my computer upon returning home. Of course, I thought of the perfect comeback too late, I should have rolled all the windows down, blasted Superstar, and sang along loudly while looking at her, “Don’t you remember you told me you loved me, baby.”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">That would teach her. Instead, I made a post it note, so I wouldn’t forget - “Kiki is grounded for saying I hate you.” Taking away her precious iPad is the best way I establish control. The fear of not getting on the internet to watch The Simpsons, or Youtube videos about The Simpsons, reminds her to act like a decent human being.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">After I finished working, I ordered Little Girl Blue on Amazon, the biography of Karen Carpenter. Her sad story is akin to Brittney Spears, but she was under the tyrannical thumb of her mother and brother, and the only way she could demonstrate control in her life was by starving herself, as opposed to Britney who demonstrates control by making Instagram videos with her shirt off.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Over the summer we stayed at my parents’ house in South Lake Tahoe. One night, I got in the shower as the kids were watching TV. While I was shampooing, I thought I heard a distant calling for me, but figured it was just reverberations from the active day at the beach. A moment later, the kids busted through the bathroom door holding a phone. Both panicked, “Mom, where were you? We’ve been screaming for you!”<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">“I’m taking a shower.” I answered, since the visual wasn’t enough.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Then Kiki said, “G called the cops because we couldn’t find you.”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">“WHAT?!” I yelled with my hair sopped in conditioner.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">G held out the phone to me, and sticking my head out of the shower, I explained to the operator, that I was in the shower when my kids called and everything is OK. The cops eventually came by to confirm that my kids aren’t part of some illicit ring, trying to escape. Kiki said to the cop, “It wasn’t a prank.”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">It made the cop skeptical.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Geoffrey glues himself to me. In the afternoons we take the dog on a walk, and he always wants to hold my hand. Often, we run into an Italian woman and her beautiful tiny poodle. She talks in Italian or baby talk to Max, and then we chat. One day, we were walking back from the beach and she drove up next to us. “Is your puppy tired?” She asked concerned.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I said, “No, he’s fine.”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Then she asked if she could drive us home, so he didn’t have to walk, and I lied, “Were so close.” Parenting my dog like Karen Carpenter’s mom.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">She relented, and happily waved goodby and said, “Ciao!”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">All three of us waved back, and loudly said, “Ciao.”<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">My sister, Becky, is in Tahoe too, and we spent most evenings at her house. She’s constantly running around taking care of her four little kids; crafting, making soda stream concoctions, and pushing them on the swings.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">When I’m in the folding chair, and they scream for me to push them on the swings, I usually just holler back to them, “Pump yourself with your legs.”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Then they ask Becky, and I feel bad, so I go push them.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Becky told me she had someone over for a playdate earlier in the week. Her four year old was on the swing screaming for her mom to come push her. This lady looked at my sister and said, “She can be such a bitch sometimes,” before trudging over to the swings to push her kid for what probably felt like an eternity.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Becky always talks about how she wants to go back to working full-time, and I was like, “Becky, no one will be able to match your level of enthusiasm. Not even half as much.”<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Her day is exhausting, and I think she’s just venting, otherwise, she’d be out the door in a business suit, and low ponytail, carrying a briefcase, every day at 6:30 am.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">One afternoon, when we were walking back, Geoffrey and I were holding hands, and he looked up at me and said, “Becky should write a book called, How to Raise Happy Kids.”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">And I said, “I don’t know. Im pretty good too, right?”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Before I needed to cry along to Karen Carpenter singing, Goodbye to Love, he gave me a hug, and said, “Yeah.”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">We moved into our new house. It took forever to get the internet, appliances and movers, but finally everything we need is here. It is in a box, or under a pile, but it is here, and in a few weeks I’ll get this stuff all sorted and organized.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">When the internet guy came over he seemed starved for conversation. I worked on an air mattress in the unfurnished house. Sitting with the comforter over my legs and laptop on my lap, I looked up at him as he told me about every life decision he made over the last twenty years. Then he asked me what I did, and after I told him, he said, “Oh, your students must love you.” Smiling while raising his eyebrows up and down.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">From then on, I saw two outcomes to my ignoring his running mouth; he would either kill me or he would leave without hooking up the internet.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Either way, one of my kids will be unhappy.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I smiled and listened till he finished the job. After he left, I put on music and ate four granola bars.</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p>Bee Pleasehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16248770471450702296noreply@blogger.com0