I started the new Real Housewives franchise, Long Island,
and it is absolutely marvelous. I’d even argue it’s the most real of all the
Housewives series. There are only four episodes so far, and by the time I got
around to it, I had three in the cannon that I had no problem binging in one
night.
The accent takes a minute to adjust to. It’s like starting a
British series: at first it’s all “Wah wah wah, wah wah,” and then suddenly
your ear clicks and it becomes perfectly clear English. The Rhode Island accent
is especially fun. It makes me want to tease up my hair, swipe on red lipstick,
and throw a suit jacket with giant shoulder pads over a silky camisole. It’s
how every glamorous, slightly disinterested woman in a 90’s movies talked.
Every Real Housewives series builds storylines around each
woman, teasing them out over the season, and this cast did not disappoint.
When Crystal from RHOBH dropped a midseason bomb about being
bulimic, I couldn’t help but wonder if it was a desperate attempt to generate a
storyline beyond a home remodel. The best reaction, though, was Erika Jayne,
who didn’t even blink before saying, “I just use laxatives.”
I’ve always thought of bulimia as deadly. Even in the Amy
Winehouse documentary, they said she didn’t die from insane amounts of drugs
and alcohol, but from the insane amount of hurling she did after she ate any
food. I honestly didn’t think someone could make it to 40 as a bulimic, so
clearly I am wrong, and so is that Lifetime movie my health teacher showed me
in high school.
Back to Rhode Island. This season, there’s Rulla, whose
husband is actively having an affair. She puts on a brave face and talks about
it openly with her friends. For now, she wants to stay with him.
Then there’s Ashley, who was on the bachelor, super shy,
incredibly sweet, and famously saved herself for marriage. A 29 year old
virgin, remarkable. Now she’s married with two toddlers and is drowning in
early motherhood. In one scene at the park, her baby is on her hip, swatting
her in the face, while her toddler is yelling that he had to pee. And what did
she do? The most real thing possible: she ignores her kids, keeps talking to
her friend about how stressed she is and how her marriage is kind of trash, and
then starts to cry.
Next is Alicia (YASSSS), who’s been engaged to her baby
daddy for nine years but refuses to marry the mother fucker becasue he wants a
prenup that would leave her with nothing. Her gaggle of Italian aunts come
over, and they swap stories about their ex-husbands. One aunt says, “My husband
wandered.”
Her accent is so thick, no one understands what the hell she
said, but because they’re a group of women bull-shitting, everyone just nods
knowingly. Thinking her aunt said “wanted,” Alicia asks, “What did he
want?” Eventually, the aunt annunciates, and the misunderstanding clears up.
Later that night, I found myself laughing out loud thinking
about that scene while watching TV with my kids. I tried explaining it to them.
They didn’t find it as funny as I did, but they laughed a little.
Eventually, Alicia role-plays confronting her partner about
the prenup. She points out that she does everything; laundry, cooking, cleaning
and raising their kid. Rulla, who is very smart, gives her excellent talking
points to bring to the table.
The rest of the cast is dealing with serious rumors, which
they either deny or fully lean into.There’s almost no shame about any of it.
When Rosie says she took sick leave and decided not to return to work, it cuts
to Kelsey, who straight up says, “Rosie didn’t go back to her job because she
fucked her boss and got fired.”
That’s the level of honesty we’re getting. The absolute best
part of it, there is no shame. If Rulla wants to stay together with her
low-down, cheating, dog of a husband, it's ok. We get it. If she decides to
leave him, it’s ok too. If Kelsey is conflicted about leaving her rich ass
sugar daddy who has a different girlfriend staying in each of his houses, we
get it. Jobs are hard, and right now she is living like damn royalty.
The master dame of the group is Liz, who looks like she
could point her finger and summon a lighting bolt. She’s the most witchy woman
I’ve ever seen, in the best way. She owns multiple weed stores, lives in a
waterfront mansion, got wasted and lost her shit at her husband’s birthday
party, and, in her fifties, has mother fucking six-pack abs.
What makes this franchise feel so fresh is how real the
storylines are, and how little shame is attached to them. It feels almost
feminist: women showing their messy, complicated lives without being punished
for it.
I love the entire cast, even Rosie who is the principal
shit-stirrer because she is so transparent about not wanting to have kids. In
the last episode, when she tries her middle-school-level drama tactics, Alicia
goes full gangster on her and caps it off with, “Welcome to fucking Rhode
Island, bitch.”
Thank you. I feel very welcome and I love it!
