Thoughtful Gifts

Saturday morning I drove to San Francisco for a class. I put on Ed Sheeren, to see what it was about. Well, I fell into a swoon, and decided I'd listen to him the entire drive back as well. Sheerens got to be dating a new Victoria Secret model a night.

Last Friday night I went on a Tinder date with a widower. I was surprised when he said "widower" because I'm always expecting divorced. So I tried to make him laugh a lot, and most of the time he reacted by saying, "What?" I don't know if he didn't get my sense of humor or had a hearing problem. Sometimes I'm so charmed by myself though, it's ok to be out with someone who popped three valium.

At the end of the night we stood in front of an 80's corvette, and he pointed to it, and asked, "Is this your car?" Then I had a great laugh, and pointed to my extremely sensible car park in the least sensible spot, the dark empty corner of the parking lot.

This week I had the sads and in retrospect it was probably from the music and being out late. I did listen to the Supermarket Flowers song quite a bit. If only there wasn't the "bleach asshole" reference in "New Man" or I'd buy the album for my dad for father's day. He'll be so flabbergasted, the entire album with be minimized to those two words, and he'll put it in a stack of never-to-be-heard-agains.

My dad has been known to binge on romance songs. Like when he drove my sister and her friends to Chico, and seeing their closed eyes, assumed they were asleep, and listened to Aerosmith's "I Don't Want to Miss A Thing," on repeat for an hour.

My mom and dad are lucky in love. We went out to dinner last weekend, and I ordered bacon wrapped scallops. After I tried one, I insisted they try them. My mom refused to, saying she couldn't possibly eat any scallops besides the one my dad makes for her because his are THE best.

My mom has similar mannerisms to Titus Andromidon so the flap of the hand and flip of the hair is worth pressing the request. She then told us about her favorite movie, Splendor in the Grass, and turned up the dramatics; her eyes welled up, she looked toward the sky shaking her head, with her hands pressed to her chest. Now I know what to buy her for Christmas.

Sarturday night I decided to stay in and watch Netflix. It's hard to fall asleep when the house is empty, and I was tempted to call someone to come over so I wouldn't be alone. Tinder is great to go out and meet people, but at the same time it is a way to avoid having to just get used to being alone. For someone who is so enamored by herself, I don't understand why I need a person next to me while I laugh at my own jokes.

I stayed strong, and fell asleep easily because I was really tired from a week of excessive dating. I woke up often from weird dreams. In one dream, I walked past the front door, and then someone started banging on it. I opened it to find a hysterical woman. In another, there were strangers walking around my house. After more anxiety dreams about being home alone, I dreamed about a tiger.

I read a tiger could symbolize a powerful problem or fear that I avoid confronting. I decided to sell the house for two reasons; It was never my idea of a long term location, and we have an empty lot behind us that has turned into a place for the wondering drug addicts and boozers to live. My neighbor recently told me I can knock on his door if I ever hear a bump in the night, and he'll take care of it. Then I told him, "Thanks, but I have my alarm system." and he said, "Ashley! An alarm system isn't going to shoot em'. I have my gun!"

He is a really nice guy, and doesn't seem phased when my kids ask him horrifyingly rude questions, like why he has no teeth, or why his belly is so big. But when I hear him yelling over the fence at the people in the empty lot, I think, "Oh Chuck, why are you riling them up?!"

This weekend, I'm turning 35. We are visiting my parents to have a little soiree, and get out of the heat. I feel much better today. Probably because I caught up on sleep, limiting myself to one date this week. We brought in the happy tunes on the car ride today, and listened to Florence Shake it Out a bunch of times. Then Kiki requested Kelly Clarkson's Christmas album, we stuck on Underneath The Tree for like twenty minutes. I think she knew I needed it. I'll consider it my birthday gift from her. Kids have a way of knowing what their parents want.

Looking Up

A Tinder Story - Hungry For Love

Listen to my first story as a Tindress, about finding meaning in profiles and chats.

I always enjoy reading a ridiculous profile on tinder. “Oh, you’re soooooo sexual.” and I know that because in your profile you wrote that you love coffee, Boston Terriers and licking assholes.

That’s an actual thing now, licking buttholes for sexual pleasure. Or rather getting your butthole licked. I can’t imagine being the eater is anything less than torture followed up by a bout of typhoid fever.

What the fuck is going on in the world. I suppose, it’s one of those things, you don’t know how good it actually is until you try it. Like going Gluten Free.

I’ll pass. In fact I should write that in my profile, “I don’t eat shit holes. and I don’t want anyone to eat mine.”

Profiles are riddled in secret code, and I’m starting to translate some of the terms.

Like “seeking a partner in wanderlust” really means unemployed.

And, polyamorous, translates directly to butt-fucking ugly.

I guess beautiful people don’t need to say, “I enjoy sex,” its redundant. Like saying, “I drink water and sleep to survive.”

Instead of saying, “I’m a player,” the pretties make it known straight away with their texts. They send this message, “hoping to watch a movie with you tonight.” at 11pm on a Wednesday.

There is also a certain type of meat head who likes to write in their profile, “I superlike on accident.”

Superliking is when you swirl rather than swipe right, and it can happen on accident easily. But when I accidently superlike someone I feel like I am giving them a confidence boosting pat on the back.

So for someone to explicitly state, “Don’t flatter yourself with my superlike,” it irritates me! I superlike them, just in case they ever start a chat with me I can let them know, “Don’t flatter yourself that anyone is flattering themselves with your stupid ass superlike.”

I have a strict swipe left policy for anyone in their twenties for two reasons, one they could fall in love with me, and two, which is far worse, I could fall in love with them as they are just getting going on life, and won’t be set in a career for ten years. I love Top Ramen, but also love how it’s a choice.

However, there are two good reasons for swiping right on twenty somethings. They will fulfill the prescription for sexual healing ,with unlimited refills. The other reason, is they’re flexible schedule. Most of the time, I don’t know when Im getting a night off, so its nice to get a reply when I message, “I have a two hour window, starting in 15 minutes. Want to watch movie?”

Text chats can get boring, and witty comments loose their cunning charms when they aren’t read quickly! It’s like giggling to a joke twelve hours after someone said it.

I’m texting with a strong and silent type, and he seems cool. I usually talk about food, and after sending him what seemed like a dissertation on almond croissants, he wrote back, “Now I’m hungry.”

Well, I know what that means. It’s similar to “watch a movie” but involves less foreplay and possibly a little booty hole snack.

Im getting good at translating, and I’m thinking of refining my profile. It will read something like this “Looking for someone to watch movies with twice a week. And afterward wants to eat Top Ramen and watch a movie (for real)s. Butt munchers need not apply.”

Then I’ll add, “And, I super like on purpose.”