A Tinder Story - Hungry For Love

Listen to my first story as a Tindress, about finding meaning in profiles and chats.

I always enjoy reading a ridiculous profile on tinder. “Oh, you’re soooooo sexual.” and I know that because in your profile you wrote that you love coffee, Boston Terriers and licking assholes.

That’s an actual thing now, licking buttholes for sexual pleasure. Or rather getting your butthole licked. I can’t imagine being the eater is anything less than torture followed up by a bout of typhoid fever.

What the fuck is going on in the world. I suppose, it’s one of those things, you don’t know how good it actually is until you try it. Like going Gluten Free.

I’ll pass. In fact I should write that in my profile, “I don’t eat shit holes. and I don’t want anyone to eat mine.”

Profiles are riddled in secret code, and I’m starting to translate some of the terms.

Like “seeking a partner in wanderlust” really means unemployed.

And, polyamorous, translates directly to butt-fucking ugly.

I guess beautiful people don’t need to say, “I enjoy sex,” its redundant. Like saying, “I drink water and sleep to survive.”

Instead of saying, “I’m a player,” the pretties make it known straight away with their texts. They send this message, “hoping to watch a movie with you tonight.” at 11pm on a Wednesday.

There is also a certain type of meat head who likes to write in their profile, “I superlike on accident.”

Superliking is when you swirl rather than swipe right, and it can happen on accident easily. But when I accidently superlike someone I feel like I am giving them a confidence boosting pat on the back.

So for someone to explicitly state, “Don’t flatter yourself with my superlike,” it irritates me! I superlike them, just in case they ever start a chat with me I can let them know, “Don’t flatter yourself that anyone is flattering themselves with your stupid ass superlike.”

I have a strict swipe left policy for anyone in their twenties for two reasons, one they could fall in love with me, and two, which is far worse, I could fall in love with them as they are just getting going on life, and won’t be set in a career for ten years. I love Top Ramen, but also love how it’s a choice.

However, there are two good reasons for swiping right on twenty somethings. They will fulfill the prescription for sexual healing ,with unlimited refills. The other reason, is they’re flexible schedule. Most of the time, I don’t know when Im getting a night off, so its nice to get a reply when I message, “I have a two hour window, starting in 15 minutes. Want to watch movie?”

Text chats can get boring, and witty comments loose their cunning charms when they aren’t read quickly! It’s like giggling to a joke twelve hours after someone said it.

I’m texting with a strong and silent type, and he seems cool. I usually talk about food, and after sending him what seemed like a dissertation on almond croissants, he wrote back, “Now I’m hungry.”

Well, I know what that means. It’s similar to “watch a movie” but involves less foreplay and possibly a little booty hole snack.

Im getting good at translating, and I’m thinking of refining my profile. It will read something like this “Looking for someone to watch movies with twice a week. And afterward wants to eat Top Ramen and watch a movie (for real)s. Butt munchers need not apply.”

Then I’ll add, “And, I super like on purpose.”