Last night I watched “Marriage Story” next to my boyfriend;
a real buzz kill for budding romance. The movie does an academy award-winning
job of illuminating the looming cloud of impending doom following
relationships. I’m categorizing it as divorce fantasy, the target audience
being married people. As a divorced person, the movie brought on a slight
headache that resided in my front right brain for 18 hours.
Marriage. I don’t think many women would do it without the
promise of the baby in the baby carriage. There are women who don’t marry a man
in order to progress their maternal instincts, and some of them are called
lesbians. It’s a known fact; lesbians are the most intelligent humans. Google
it. I tend to be modest about my modesty, so I’m surprised I find myself watching
Fire Stick with someone who has a fire stick, and I can’t even blame it on
needing to get a baby in me.
Admitting to not liking babies is much more socially
acceptable than saying you don’t like dogs? Dogs, they’re all right. I guess.
Whenever I’m around them, I’m scared they’re going to attack me, starting at my
vagina. I love babies; even the annoying ones, and I see plenty of them at my
second job, selling women’s clothes at Arden Fair Mall. The other day a family
came in, and my co-worker started chatting up this nosey kid, and decided to
brag on my behalf by pointing to me and saying, “She’s a college professor.”
The boy gave a look that suggested they must give those jobs
to anyone, and then he asked, “Well what is she doing here then?”
I told him, “Voltaire says, work spares us from three evils;
boredom, vice and need,”
He still looked confused, I wanted to expand on the idea, by
saying, “You see, sonny boy, isolation makes me depressed, additionally, regular
masturbation robs you of creative energy.”
Instead, he spilled his Taco Bell Sour Skittle slushy, and
watched me clean it up.
Like lesbians, Cats are the most superior of domestic
breeds, blowing dogs and babies out of the water. They require minimal
attention, and only instill fear when hunting invisible entities while I’m
relaxing watching Fire Stick.
So, while I watch Marriage Story with a man who gives me
heart eyes, and I mask my fear of having to recite the rehearsed, “Well, we
knew this was going to happen eventually, and I’m just grateful to have it over
with,” speech by saying honest things like, “men are selfish liars.” It’s really
nice of him to offer me up a gummy bear ring and protection from the seemingly
possessed cat.
Marriage Story might be topping lists of the year’s best
movies, but I could have gone without it. My official review, the movie is very
long. During drawn out monologues you can easily drift off in thought, most
likely considering the reasoning behind Scarlett Johanson’s haircut. The
pretentiousness of the film crescendos after 15 minutes of boring karaoke, and
it finally reaches the resolution, which was pretty much exactly where it
started.
As discussed earlier, I’m not demonstrating a lifestyle that
indicates I’m in those top tier intelligence levels, so perhaps that’s why I
lack appreciation for the basic sob story of ingratitude and infidelity
followed up by the celebratory flushing of a hundred thousand dollars down the
toilet.
If you’ve got a night to waste, give the movie a go. It
might help you amend to the old adage first
comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage,
a natural fourth step, like then comes
split custody, a cute kitten and long nights with a fire stick (if your into
that sort of thing.)
