Open Letter To Burger King

A burger worth fighting over

Dear Burger King,
The fast food wars ended years ago, and because the outcome is unclear to you, you lost. Perhaps it was your terrifying commercials with a gigantic headed King terrorizing customers that turned people off, but most likely it was due to your shameless marketing campaigns.
The rainbow colored Whopper commercials were so overtly capitalizing on a marginalized group, I'm surprised the same people boycotting Chick-fil-a didn't come burn down your corporate office for minimizing their serious problems by comparing them to a burger wrapped in a different color package. Perhaps the shock people feigned after unwrapping their rainbow colored whopper was that there was and actual burger between their sesame seed bun, and not steaming dog doo. Being served up the infantile message, "were all the same under our burger papers," is more annoying than thought provoking and certainly not inspiring me to go buy a Whopper.
Although Demolition Man had the world thinking Taco Bell would win the fast food war, it ended up residing close to the top, I'd say as McDonald's court jester. Taco Bell keeps things funny with interesting food fusion, like the breakfast biscuit taco. Taco Bell hasn't gone completely mad scientists like the whack-a-doos over at KFC. KFC, with the Double Down Dog, is an example of what extreme right wingers expect to occur when genetic engineering becomes less regulated.
I associate Taco Bell with drunken college days, which illuminates it's funny presence. My friend Kelley and I were stopped by police after we got in a fight with some unappreciative sorority girls at a Taco Bell. I threw my burrito at them as we tore out of the parking lot on our bikes cackling like we were riding on broomsticks. I don't know why we were fighting, it was more likely rooted in socioeconomic reasons than burger chain preference, but we weren't going to stand for their intolerance of hilarious, loudmouthed hooligans.
Another time I went to Taco Bell with my sister and friend, Jackson. My sister drove us there after the bars closed and our binge drinking came to an abrupt end. The next morning when we woke up surrounded by Taco Bell wrappers, my sister looked at me and said, "When did we go to Taco Bell?"
Jaw dropped, I informed her that she convinced me she was OK to drive and took us on the late night excursion.
Unlike you, Burger King, I feel like I learned some valuable lessons from those tumultuous times. I would not  conceive any drinking and driving jaunts, or engage in a burrito chucking fight with people whose superiority complex is threatened by anyone who believes in free thinking.
I thought I read Burger King was being bought by Tim Horton's, but based on the pathetic full page ad in the The New York Times where you pretend to be in the same realm as McDonald's, I'm sad to learn the Canadian donut chain isn't spreading South of their boarder, just yet.
Burger King, I hope you realize your crown is gone, and will shut the fuck up. You're embarrassing yourself.

A site of my disorderly conduct