Wide Legged Pants

Nice pants, they really blend in!

Boot legged jeans are back in fashion. This is good because... I don't fucking know, but it will be nice to use jeans I've held onto the last ten years because of a slight hoarding problem. Flowing, wide-legged hippie pants are also in style. I bought a pair at TJ Maxx for $7, even though they were 5 inches too long, and hemmed them to fit. I couldn't try the pants on in the dressing room because a friend from high school's mom was working there, and a stop-and-chat would ruin my shopping experience.
After dying my hair blonde, my ability to be incognito while in my hometown went from impossible to possible, as long as I move fast, never make eye contact, and keep my voice low. If I see someone at the grocery store who I'm familiar with from high school, I skirt past them, looking straight ahead, and by the time they register, "Hey, that's Alicia, but she has yellow hair." I ditched my cart and ran out the front door so I don't have to endure a How's-the-last-decade-of-your-life-been chat. If anyone gave two shits, they could look it up on Facebook.
Before I closed my Facebook account, I read a rant posted by a friend from middle school. She discovered her husband was sleeping with a prostitute, and instead of contacting Legal Zoom, she posted an essay on how he wronged her, including a picture of the prostitute, and detailing how her husband and her had sex the day before he met his hooker.
I felt bad for my old friend, but felt worse for her next month self. Her immediate rage led her to slander her husband's name without realizing their kids will one day read about how their brainless dad fucked their mom over by fucking someone else. Her intention was likely to alert her husband's entire family that he's a piece of shit, but she could have called them individually to let them know.
This exposing post was probably the most salacious one I read. Mostly, I read a narrative of people's day to day activities, which is boring. Someone once told me, "Facebook is like a high school reunion and Twitter is like a crowded bar," and I thought the analogy was perfect. Clearly, based on my desire to hide from a fellow high school alumnus when we cross paths, I prefer the latter. Thank goodness, I can order my groceries online!
And my fabulous wide legged pants turned out to not be so fabulous after I hemmed them. I felt like a yoga instructor who recently returned from Bali, pretending my expensive ass vacation was an enlightening experience. I showed the pants to my mom who cringed at the oversized shape. "Alicia, why do you want to hide your legs in those enormous pants?"
I defended my attempt at style by saying, "Mom, it's not like I'm going to a job interview. This is casual wear."
I don't fear the catch-up chat for any other reason than having to listen to the lack of change. I'd want to hear about the salacious, the struggle, or even the rocky road ending in triumph, but instead it is always, "Everything's great!" Thumbs up, giant plastic smile as I see their eyes welling up. I appreciated my old friend, not so much present day friend, telling it all on her Facebook rant because it was raw. Did it get me excited? I guess so. Perhaps I'd like the stop-and-chat more if people spewed all their grievances. A social schadenfreude opportunity lost with each cheery tale of how life is simply swell. I'm an unfulfilled masochist when it comes to catching up with people, even though I am just as great an offender while I give the standard, things are great here too, over smiling with a giant mess of yellow hair in enormous clown pants.

Any better?