Suspicious Minds

Crazy Hair, Crazy Head

It's a bad idea to tell someone with paranoia to, "Trust your gut," or "Listen to your intuition," because there is always a whack ass scenario playing out in their head. I'm a paranoid person, and spend a lot of time talking myself out of assuming crazy plots involving me. But, sometimes the evidence is too much. Just the other day, I spent an hour considering how my neighbor has possibly bugged my house, gaining an inside earful of my home life.

There is one incident that makes me believe he is listening to conversations in my house, or maybe he is psychic, in which case he has read my mind, and sees that behind my smile and neighborly wave, I am thinking, "You're creepy, dude!"
My husband was out of town for a week, and I was leaving town also, to go to my parents. Garbage day was in a couple days, and because George is still in diapers (we're working on this) we have to be sure the trash gets picked up weekly, since the turd diapers make the garage stink to high heavens.
The day I was leaving town, I rolled the trash to the street, and my neighbor strolled over to say hi and wave at the kids. He asked me why I was taking the trash out three days early, and I told him I am going to stay with my parents for a couple days. He's said, "Why not leave the trash for your husband to take out?"
"He will never remember!" I lied, so he wouldn't know our house would be empty for the week. His grandkid is a certifiable psychopath, and I don't want him to break into my house and steal all my worthless junk with high sentimental value.
I returned from my parents house the morning the trash was collected, Friday. That afternoon, the kids and I planned to pick up their dad from the airport. As we were loading in the car, my neighbor sauntered over, "You picking Guy up from the airport?"
I was kind of shocked, and froze up realizing he knew where we were going, and caught on to the fact that I lied to him three days earlier, so I decided to lie some more, "Oh, yeah. He had to leave town unexpectedly, yesterday morning, for work."
"Oh, really? Where did he go?"
In my head I was thinking, "Jeez, get the fuck off my jock, dude," but I lied more, and said the first place that popped into my mind, "San Diego."
After he stopped interrogating me, we pulled out of the driveway, and headed toward the airport,  cursing the neighbor for being nosy, and somehow, all-knowing. After I picked up my husband at the airport I said, "So I sort of spun a big web of lies to the neighbor. Sorry, I don't know how things got so complicated, but if he asks, you left Thursday morning, and went to San Diego."
He didn't care I lied to the neighbor because he also thought it was odd how the old man knew where I was going, or was probing me about Guy being out of town, and that the psychopath grandson is a threat to our worthless junk with high sentimental value. He said, "It's good to trust your gut. Who cares if he thinks you lied?"

If my neighbor is listening to the ongoings inside my house, then he has been sorely disappointed this week since I've listened to Mariah Carey sing All I Want For Christmas on repeat, and am not holding back as I sing along. It sounds like nails on a chalkboard. That will teach him. I also like to occasionally say, "Get a life, Creep!" when I sporadically think of him listening in from his lazy boy recliner.