Unfriendship Bracelet

Holy fuck, we all got colds. I couldn’t have timed it any better and it was likely a direct result from the ending to my Shoulder Pad Hug post. Every time I kiss my kids’ little noses I get snot on my lips. I am eating snot on top of it all.

Since were all sick, physically and mentally for myself, we have been inside for days, afraid we could become worse by going out where its chilly.  All this down time has got me crafting like a mother fucker. I joined Pinterest only a couple months ago, and now I am a freaking addict. I am a master of fringe t-shirts with sequin embellishments, and have been making them for all my relative friends (my only friends)

I thought I would make them all cool friendship bracelets because it seems simple enough. I have attempted to make them a number of times. The first attempt was a fucking disaster, and it is only slightly improving after probably 6 hours of trying. How can something be so difficult for me when 12 year olds can do while watching Jersey Shore, reading 50 Shades, texting and sexting, while blind folded! I thought I was good at multitasking. No! These fucking bracelets require complete attention. With laser focus I tie these knots, thousands of them, and fuck up once the entire thing is shot.

After 6 hours of trying, I am not making these for Christmas gifts because I am getting frustrated. They sell these damn bracelets for like a fucking dollar at forever 21, so I am putting all this blood, sweat and tears in for something that is amounting to not even half as good as a dollar bracelet! I can imagine handing them these janky ass bracelets, with the card saying something like, “these bracelets remind me of our friendship, fucked up. Merry Christmas.” My sister will look at this bracelet, and tell me that I am a cheap asshole, and I need to pluck my eyebrows more often.

I hope that we are feeling better tomorrow because I will likely attempt at these bracelets again, and there is so much more I could be doing with my time, like cleaning my shower that has a mold spot growing. I am going to spray bleach on it before bed tonight because right as I typed that I felt mold spores coming through my nasal passage and multiplying in my brain.

Totes Sequin Totes

Holidays are coming, fast. I have already settled on all the kids’ toys for Christmas and next weekend I am placing my amazon order, after which all the toys will sit in my closet until Christmas Eve night when I decide I can’t put off wrapping anymore. Then I will wrap presents until 2am and be tired and easily annoyed on Christmas day. Being easily annoyed around family is not wise because the fighting gloves come on, and before you know it half the room will be in tears and the other half screaming at the top of their lungs. When this happens we all throw in the towel and decide to get drunk in order to perk up. It generally works.

This year I am making my woman friends dope ass handbags with sequin messages.  When I say woman friends I really mean my mom, sisters and cousin because I don’t have much space for any other person to be close to. I already spend the next couple months thinking of ways to avoid every social event I am invited to, and I usually blame it on one of my woman friend/relatives. I usually say, “I’m so sorry I can’t come to your party that starts in 15 minutes. My sister has seriously bad diarrhea, and I have to watch her baby, who has diarrhea too.”

I started making a bag for myself, as a tester, and it is much more work than I anticipated. While sewing on sequins I watched 4 episodes of House Hunters International and because I sew like I’m in a sweat shop, I don’t have the time to put the needle down and fast forward through commercials. I saw the commercial for Prego Spaghetti Sauce about 20 times. It reminds me of my parents who made us eat Ragu, which is its equally cheap counter part probably made in a factory where workers are encouraged to pee in the vats of tomatoes instead of take breaks to use the bathroom.

My parents were 23 when they started having kids, and stopped at 29, when they had their fifth and final bundle of joy. So they were poor, and we ate shit that is considered gross by much of middle class today. The smart thing about having kids at the young age of 20 is that by the time you start making big bucks your kids are out the door, so you don’t have to spend it on them by buying the next step up pasta sauce, like Bertolli.

Now as my parents jet set around the globe, probably dining on fine imported sauce from Italy, they can think about how they sacrificed, scrimped and scraped by with 5 little rats sucking the life out of them. They went from rags to riches. I went about things differently, by having kids in my 30’s. So I went from world traveling and eating at gastro pubs every night to boxed mac and cheese and saying things like “it’s the thought that counts.” My life of leisure will be bimodal, as theirs is exponentially growing.

I can thank them though for setting the bar pretty low on what’s acceptable to eat. I probably spent $40 a week on groceries in college and was able to subsist off of hot pockets and soda, without complaint. It was a step up, actually. This helped tremendously, since I didn’t spend student loan money on wood burning pizza and micro brew.

My Mom’s tote is going to say “Money Bags” so she won't Scrooge McDuck on me this holiday season. I am going to bring my kids to see Santa at the mall, and after they each hand them their list of things that I will buy on Amazon, I am going to hand him a list from me. My letter will go something like this, “Dear Santa, I have been extra good, and here is my list. # 1 - a check made out to me for $10,000,000. There is no number 2 because I am trying to minimize my life. Thanks Santa, you are so sweet, and don’t let those stupid assholes get you down in regards to your waistline. They don’t fucking realize how cold it is on your sleigh at night, and that you eat all those cookies because you are polite. Why else would anyone eat nasty oatmeal cookies? I will only have chocolate chip for you. Thanks for making everyone sofa king happy this year. Love, Alicia”

My Mad Men Coat

When Mad Men started in 2007 Kate Spade stock must have sky rocketed because that show is basically what she imagines the world to look like. I picture KS wondering around her house with a

martini in hand wearing one of those crazy ostrich feather hats on her head, looking like she just stumbled out of a Breakfast at Tiffany’s themed costume party. Its so over the top and maintaining a look like that shows serious class and sophistication. I say FUPA way too much to feel like such a classy lady. Just the other day I said the super ladylike post sex comment, “That was a queef, not a fart.” Good god, whoever farts during sex can just pack it in and call it a life because they are fucking helpless.

I bought this jacket at a senior center about 10 years ago. I really love the color, feminine collar, sleeve length, and the big buttons, however I never wore it! I think I was hesitant to dress it down, but it certainly is a pretty coat and very Mad Men.

 

To modernize the look, class it down, I paired it with a romper and Ray Bans. Got to be careful with those rompers though. Eat half a sandwich and then a FUPA explodes out on you, like an unexpected flat tire. Needless to say, not a great beer-drinking outfit, but then again, this look is for martinis and chain smoking, classy stuff.

The coat is for sale on my eBay site for $50. I was going to make it cheaper, but then I googled the brand, and it is some high quality shit, Pendleton. I might even keep the fucker now, especially since it is made from “virgin wool” which sounds pretty... gross, actually. Link to eBay sale

I Need A Shoulder Pad Hug

Yesterday I went to the doctor and she asked me for a flu shot. I was a person who only got sick from hangovers and I can’t even recall having the flu as an adult before I had children. These rats put their mouths on everything, and if it’s not their mouth it’s their hands, which then go into their mouth. Since they are germ anteaters roaming around the city they pick up nasty bugs and innocently infect me by acting super sweet and kissing me all over my face. I can’t deny their smooches even if there is a dribble of snot going down to their chin, so I said yes to the flu shot.

I think the nurse stabbed the needle into my arm like John Travolta injecting Uma in Pulp Fiction because it’s 24 hours later and my shoulder still hurts. I don’t know which is worse, the flu or this fucking flu shot. (It is impossible for me to fully remember the horror of having to run to the toilet and throw up, so I can easily liken the flu to the teensy pain of a shot because I am a dramatic pussy, aka DramPuss. That is some self-realization)

I put on my blazer with huge shoulder pads to alleviate the discomfort because shoulder pads are like being embraced by a busty old grandma. It feels so so good! This jacket is from H&M, but it shouts, “I’m a super 90’s business woman, so don’t mess with me or I’ll bust out my white sneakers and power walk all over you!” I paired the jacket with a short floral baby-doll dress. The bold dress pattern draws the eye into the body, so I’m not lost in this big jacket.

As I walk around with my blazer hugging me like a koala bear thru my pain, I can put my worries about the flu behind me. Now I have time to think of how I can combat the imminent cold my family will catch after the baby chews on a pen he finds waiting at the grocery store check out.

Denim Jacket Search

I scored my favorite denim jacket a while back for only $3. The synched shoulders and short length are cutesy and the color screams Canadian Tuxedo. It’s a jacket made for a teenage witch or a teenage girl of the late eighties who worked at a mall, crimped her hair and wore Guess jeans that came up to the middle of her back and gave her a glorious camel toe. So perfect for me because that is the look I am striving for, sans the crimped hair. I don’t have time for that shit; I just do a little mousse and scrunch.

I bought another denim jacket before finding the one I actually love and wear. This jacket was described to me as Montana lesbian chic. After I looked at it on the hanger, I started to agree completely. I imagine this jacket’s owner to be a woman who wore it during April, May, October and November. She would clean it perfectly at the end of each season, and then put it in storage for 6 months later. In my head she has long curly brown hair, and goes on long walks in grassy meadows aside a wooden fence with a backdrop of mountains and a black Labrador is following her. A great look for any woman of the 90’s but a fail for the hipster look I’m striving for.

The reason why this jacket looked jacked up on me was because it came to above my knees and I like to flaunt my goods. Both jackets are a size large but extremely different in fit. If I were a tall skinny person, the Montana jacket would work, and make an excellent winter coat because it is heavier than a quilt. Since I do not want look like a denim snowman I have to wear a jacket that shows there is shape to my body, ending just below my waist. Lucky for me I do not live somewhere where buckets of snow come down during the night. The short jacket with a scarf and hat looks bodacious without catching a chill. The hat and scarf compensate for my see through leggings. Just joshing, my sexy sheer leggings are too cold for winter months, although I’d doubt CEO of American Apparel would slag off women for wearing his too tight leggings. He’s a total perv, though.

Moral of the story, sometimes you buy some shit that ends up being a big time mistake, and it usually goes back to the thrift store it came from. Luckily it is just a $3 loss! So total investment to finding my dope ass hipster denim jacket is $6, a fucking bargain! I bet my awesome jacket would sell for $50 at a vintage clothing boutique, and if I weren’t such a bad ass thrift store shopper I’d have been tempted to pay that steep ass mark up!

I still have the Montana jacket. It could work for a cold ass climate, someone seriously adventurous, a super model, or a man. I put it up on my eBay site for $15. Shipping is a bitch for this because it feels like it weighs at least 10 pounds. Link to eBay sale