Diet Starts Today

"Diet starts tomorrow," I said, last week.

I am starting my Lifestyle Modification Plan today. I won't call it a diet, since all the experts say, "Diets don't work!"
I put an app on my phone to track all my calories and exercise. The app provides a calorie count for the day, and by following the recommended daily calorie intake, I will be where I want to be by June 22.
Although, I think I will get there much faster because of a few variables my app didn't take into consideration. The app didn't take into consideration my PMS bloat, and how I ate like a linebacker for the three days leading up to my period because I needed to store up fat or energy, or some shit like that, to help me cope with the onset of excruciating cramps and exhaustion.
The problem of ballooning and chowing for four is made tolerable by the mental clarity that comes with PMS. The clarity can be viewed as irrational bouts of emotional outrage, but the hyper sensitivity is like a fucking super power. Everyone, except my app, knows period bloat magically disappears a week later. Its like waking up after shedding a layer of skin, and the only way to celebrate is by throwing on a mini skirt and taking a selfie.
The app also doesn't acknowledge pre-existing exercise routine, and since I run every day, underneath my Michelin Man suit, I am tight and toned. Hence, after my PMS shed, and a couple weeks of dieting, I should be where I want to be. (fingers crossed)
I told my mom about my new app, and how I am disturbed to not be back at my pre-baby weight, and George is 2 years old. I explained the app to her, and she agrees that a food log is the most effective way to go.
When I offered to put the app on her phone, she said, "I can't risk getting thin, and looking sickly. I have to keep an extra 20 pounds on me for my health."
Alrighty then.
My sister and I used to say my mom has Prettiest-Lady-In-The-Room complex, where she never really worries about much because of her looks. She knows it too, and the result is her self esteem is not just high, but out of this world. So a statement on how keeping on an extra 20 pounds as an effort to look better than thin people is something I can only hope to one day feel.
I am over my calorie count for today, but it's Beer Friday! Beer is like a million calories, and sadly, one of my favorite foods. Cheeseburgers are another favorite food, but I am willing to shelf that love in order to fit into my itsy bitsy teeny weeny cheetah print bikini.
Needless to say, getting fit takes work, and I think all those actresses who go on TV and claim to eat McDonalds and ice cream and should be fined by the FCC since they are disseminating false information and giving the perception that fit bodies are created through birth rather than healthy diet and exercise. If they pull that moderation card, I still call bullshit because anyone who is that great at moderation is a boring fuck pants and shouldn't be allowed on TV.
It would be nice to hear some honesty, like, "I haven't had bread in 5 years," or, "I work out 3 hours a day."
Their confidence is likely on par with my mom, so to them, their exceptional looks couldn't be more than gift from god, a tap on the shoulder, regardless of their efforts, they're naturally radiant.
Only reinforcing another thing the experts say, "Looking good, is all about feeling good."

As if I didn't need another reason to eat fast food.