Trust the Gut

Supportive mommy, "That hat looks good on you girl!"

I am applying to a job as a math professor, and the process is exhaustive. I need transcripts and letters of recommendation. I told my brothers and sisters, but I didn’t want to talk freely about it to people because I am afraid it will jinx me.

Most especially, I was not planning on telling my mom because she is always Debbie Downer. Yesterday morning, I was a tornado of productivity and had my applications mostly complete, so as a way to pat myself on the back, I shared my ambitions with my dear mommy.

There was a reason I told myself not to talk about this process, or decision to apply, with my mom. I figured she would diminish my intentions and say, “you are only doing this because you are lonely. It will pass.” And I would have to scream at her, and then hang up the phone and scream at myself in the mirror for talking to her about it.

Initially she was supportive, and gave a common comment, like, “How nice, good luck.” However, after giving her the details, she says, “Unfortunately, Alicia, they probably already have the people chosen for these jobs, and they are just posting the job because it is an HR requirement.”

Then I got combative, “Ummmm, no mom. They are hiring 10 people, and they actually emailed me. That’s how I even found out about the open positions.”

Surprisingly, she picked up on my hostility, and did an “Oh, great! Good for you.” and then changed the subject.

I am not sure what I was wanted her to say, but she said exactly what I expected. Mother of fucking pearl, a lesson on trusting my gut.