Throw Me A Bone, Dentist

A non-love note to my new dentist's office

Today I went to the dentist, and didn't even get my teeth cleaned. I had this on the books for months and was excited to get it over with, seeing how this was the first time I went to the dentist in five years.

When I walked into the dentist office I felt my stomach clench. It looked like a fucking spa, not a doctors office. The receptionist asked me, "Would you like some water?"

I shook my head no, anticipating the forty dollar added charge for a cup of tap water. She gave me a couple forms to fill out. The last form was a questionnaire asking the type of patient I am, ranging from doing the bare minimum to optimal, something I equate with willingness to mortgage your house for veneers, Invisalign, bleaching trays and a night guard.
The receptionist took me to a consultation room, and input the forms, as I did a whistle looking around the room, thinking, "Get a load of this place. The rent must be a fortune. Flat screen TVs all over the place. If there wasn't such cheap DIY artwork on the walls, I'd think I was at Massage Envy."

After the check-in paperwork, I was brought back to an examination room. A technician pulled out a professional grade camera, with a long lens, and took around forty photos of my face, profile and teeth, all the time saying, "Great. You're so photogenic," like I was a nervous amateur model. After the photos, she took my x-rays and told me the doctor was coming to talk to me about treatment options. 

I asked, "Aren't you cleaning my teeth?" thinking she was the hygienist.

She laughed, "Oh, not today. We just want to tell you all your treatment options," smiling like it's completely normal to waste half a day at the dentists office.

The dentist started with some chatter, and I complimented him on the calm ambiance of his clinic. He said, "Thats what we aim for. Some people have such bad anxiety about the densit. We also offer sedation dentistry, or sleep dentistry, where you're under sedation during your dental work."
While the dentist was poking around in my mouth, I nearly dozed off to take a nice restoring power nap, so I can say, aside from a dentist scamming me with ridiculous up charges, I don't have anxiety about dental work. Being sedated while a man is poking around in my mouth gives me anxiety. Wake up with a dick in my ear, and that's best case scenario.

After the dentist checked my teeth, I was taken back to the consultation room. On the walk back, I rolled my eyes, I'm not getting a fucking boob job here, whats with the damn circus. Another girl went through the laundry list of shit the dentist noted when poking around in my mouth. After the costs were laid out, I let her know I was taking care of my cavities and the teeth cleaning.  She looked at me disappointed, a bare-minimum type of patient.