Stardate: 2015, the beginning #WhootWhoot

Stardate: 2015

Ring ding dong, Ring a ding ding dong! Its the mother fucking new year! It always sounds so much more exciting than the actual event, which is me in an outdated velour jogging suit laying under a down comforter with a laptop giving me warmth. My boozy friends (Im probably part of the sect) always classify New Years Eve as "Amateur Night" and don't like to go out because they don't want to witness all the pansy ass fucks out embarrassing themselves since they are drinking more than they have consumed since the last New Years. This is a good holiday for me because I can blend in with the masses without having to send out "Im sorry" text messages the next day. It is my get out of jail free card.
Alas, I am home in sweats. Actually, an outdated velour jogging suit. People have not been wearing juicy ass sweat clothes for a while, which is likely why they shut down their brick and mortar and started selling their shit at Kohl's. It wasn't too long before people started wising up to the fact that a $200 jogging suit was likely made for $10.
Back to the New Year. What a fucking year 2014 was! I have to say, cocky ass bitch, it was the best year yet! My babies are my heart, and George surpassed the wretched milestone of baby to toddler. My only advice to new parents: Don't panic, a baby gets much cooler after they hit 16 months and it just gets better from there. Sure, he is still unbearable at restaurants, but at least he is slightly responsive to the mechanisms used in these situations to shut him the fuck up: iPhones.
Life is good now, and I am a happy camper. I carve in my running time, my daughter has her preschool and George, well he is a maniac who gives me endless happiness even though he laughs like a monkey as he shouts, "NO!" to me whenever I ask him anything.
My mom always told me, "baby phase is my favorite because they just sleep on top of your belly while you watch TV." That made sense, but the problem is that period wears off after 3 months, so it is all downhill from there. How do you tell your child, "You were such a good 2 month old, and I doubt you could ever top it?" Self realization: my mom has viewed my entire existence, and considered the first three months to be the most enjoyable for her. Wow, my middle child syndrome is really taking me on a ride right now. I have a non-diagnosed case of middle chid syndrome as I am the middle of 5 children, all born within 6 years. Fucking disturbing to any modern life, but it was very fun as young children, outlook does shift a bit into adult life, although it is nice to never have to make "friends" since I already have 4 besties no mater how awful we are to each other.
So my outlook on babies is much different from my mom's. My first kid was one of those ones that cried non stop for 3 months. I didn't sleep, was practically institutionalized, and then all of a sudden before I leapt off of a bridge, she started sleeping. Except when she was 10 months old, she relapsed and I think I slept 10 hours the entire month of August 2012. I left her with my mom and drank a red bull, which gave me the energy to pass out for 5 hours solid, the most amazing feeling I have yet experienced.

She has a knowing look

My next kid was an absolute dream. I considered him freakish because he would lay down and fall asleep. I had no idea that babies could behave this way, and after having him realized how my daughter is likely just a person who will always be screeching and hollering, and if all babies were like my second then couples would easily be procreating 10.
With my daughter, every night was pacing the carpet, and her crying was endless. I had to set her down because I felt so much fucking frustration it was freaking me out. At the time there was a big "Don't Shake Your Baby Campaign" because people were shaking their babies to shut them up. I had never thought this would be a good solution for her because it seemed obvious that the repercussions would be devastating, but in a world where people need instructions on how to wipe their butt, we need pamphlets on how to not physically abuse our children.
I was talking with my friend who is a lobbyist and she told me about a campaign that was going on regarding "Don't Shake Your Baby." There was a big hubbub over billboards targeting Latina women where it showed a Latina woman with iPod buds in her ears, and it said, "Shake your booty, not your baby." The reasons why this shit is offensive is about 20 points long, and the ads were pulled, but it seemed to me like they completely hit the wrong demographic. First of all, Latina women are not going to shake their baby, ever. I went to Walmart this afternoon and could clearly classify the subset of society who would be baby shakers, and I doubt they are concerned about earbuds, but rather a different type of bud.
This next year, my kids might offer me a dose of new frustrations. I hope they will eat their $6 kids type meal I buy them at a restaurant rather than throw it on the floor. It is not a nice sight to see me hunched over retrieving french fries off the ground, and THANK GOD high waisted pants are back in style, I'd hate to be plumber cracking it through that. It is always a loosing game in a restaurant; I can buy them the $6 kids meal that they don't eat, or I don't buy the kids meal and they eat my entire plate of food. Given my new years weight loss ambitions, I should just let them eat my plate of food.
Yes, my kids are helping me get thin! I am going to be bathing suit ready by Mexico!
That shit is 2 days away, so I will need to just work-it-girl because I don't think they can get me where I need to be by then. All my 2014 resolutions have been rolled into 2015: get fit as fuck, learn German and publish publish publish!
So ringing in the new year: to all the bloggers, cloggers, loggers, and floggers, we have another 365 days to work our beautiful buttocks off, so try not to shake your baby and shake your booty.

Eat your fucking kids meal! Well, ok don't. You're doing me a solid