Sunday night I watched the Tony Robbins Netflix documentary called I Am Not Your Guru. The film was inspiring, and a good reminder to maintain high expectations and not fall victim to your personal story. Throughout the documentary we're shown "interventions" from members of his Destiny seminar. In an intervention, a person stands up and tells their story, then Tony gives them harsh questions so they deal with their issues head on.
The first intervention is a petite young woman who wants to get her eating under control. When the "problem" came out of her mouth I thought, this poor idiot is in front of the greatest motivational coach and she wants to talk about how she has problems eating, life must be good if this is the extent her issues. At this point, I was apprehensive the film would really be worth my hour and fifty minutes, but minutes later I saw it was a setup to demonstrate people distracting themselves from their inner turmoil with nonsense. Tony, being the non-guru, identified it as a stupid problem she cooked up to avoid dealing with the real issue. After two questions he finds out her dad is a prick with a drug problem. Then he told her to call her dad, and thank him for being that way because it made her who she is. Let go of any anger, and replace it with gratitude.
An intervention that follows, I think, really takes the reigns of the film because her story is more powerful than the damn seminar. Dawn says she was born into the Children of God cult in Brazil, and brought everyone to tears describing her traumatic upbringing, and that now she is left trying to help her depressed family, and all she wants to do is kill herself because she has been unsuccessful in finding a model for love. Tony assured her through the massive crowd that she is loved, and that love does exist. In addition to support, she was given a career and $100,000 from other participants.
That night I laid in bed, and thought about her, and what she went through. I tried not to. I couldn't calm my mind. It is so terrible to think about the magnitude of evil in this world. I read a Sonia Sotomayor interview, and she said this was the reason she had to stop working as a public defender, living a life where she has to stare into a deep well of evil is too burdensome. I was hollowed out after reading that. It is something people don't like to think about. This truth is the greatest flaw in Idealism which neglects to acknowledge the darkness in a balanced universe.
Last night I finished reading an autobiography by a psychic paramedic, Journey Into Grace, an interesting story of a woman who was brought up by a terribly abusive mother and fell into a wealth of personal problems, but overcame it all and harnessed a power she developed at the age of 7. The book maps out her traumatic adolescence, wayward youth, finding her path and ends describing her practice as a psychic healer. Although I had a hard time visualizing the "color grids" she explains when working on people, it was captivating. She talks about interfacing with evil entities, and how combating them only brings on more combat, and so what has to be done is acknowledge their existence and ask what their intention is. She repeats, "I see you," to the entity, so it feels loved rather than hated, and then through her healing powers, draws on energy sources that clear out the evil through love. This reminds me of the Martin Luther King quote, "Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that."
In the book, her psychic stories sound other worldly, which I suppose they are. For example, she explains being in another dimension, talking to a hissing black serpent whose taken space in a woman's body, a woman who is sleeping on a table in the other realm, visible far below. The stories sound so crazy, they just have to be true.
Like the author of Journey Into Grace, Tony Robbins had an abusive childhood. I wasn't as extreme, I don't think she would have made it out alive if she weren't always on high alert. Tony says he has no anger towards his mother, in fact he thanks her for all the abuse and neglect, because it made him into the man he is today.
I went to yoga this morning, and felt such a release of tension. Maybe it's because of the full moon. I recently finished a huge goal of mine, and although there is still tending and follow through needed, I'm ready to take on a new project. I have so many ideas, and I struggle with choosing one thing and focusing on that, rather than having ten things going that I'm unable to fully dedicate myself to. I'm excited to be at a point where I can start up something new, but I just don't know which project to choose.
In shavasana I spoke to myself about what I want to do next. I have a short list of three things; writing projects that will likely take a year or so each. I was able to say, ok, what should I do next? And I told myself to write out what I'm grateful for, but not the obvious things that I'm grateful for; the love of my family, the love I give and receive, feeling challenged creatively and acting on these ideas, having money, health and happiness, but writing down the things I don't talk about. I don't feel like I hold onto anger, but I never give any attention to skeletons in my closet. Its sort of like I ignore them, trying to push them into my subconscious. I need to write them out, Thankful for all the dark shit because it allows me feel so much light. I'm able to feel love because I know there are spaces in this world without it.
This week's New Yorker has an article by Ariel Levy about Ayahuasca, the hallucinogen that is sweeping the nation by storm. Unlike most drugs, where teens are the target audience, this is a drug taken by adults on a quest to better themselves. Tim Ferris says he takes the hallucinogen frequently, even though the first time he took it he experienced two hours of the worst pain imaginable, having seizures that left rug burn on his face, because after the experience he felt like he let go of all the anger he'd been holding onto.
It sounds preposterous that people would want to take this drug, even with the execptation of a lightened soul because the effects when under the influence are horrific; barfing, hellish visions, and pain. Levy does take the drug, but her trip is not described in detail. Were told after she barfs she feels a calming, but nothing about visions or life guidance.
I have absolutely no desire to take this drug in order to confront my subconscious, and attain greater inner peace. I did mushrooms too much in my youth. I had the habit of laughing so hard I peed my pants. While on a freaking mind trip, acknowledging, you're a grown ass woman who just laughed so hard at a dancing mole on someone's face that you peed yourself. Great job, Alicia!
Aside from not being able to control my laughter (and bladder), I spend the entire time battling my thoughts, worried sick people can read my mind, trying to not think bad things in the case that they can read my mind. That command, do not think bad thoughts, only makes me think bad thoughts. After a couple experiences where I felt powerless in my own mind, I decided it's not worth it for me.
I think the subconscious exists for a reason. There is a place where things are sent because life functions much better without having them swimming around in our thoughts, let sleeping dogs lie. Drudging up the sludge will create silt in a calm, yet shallow, mind. It seems that the trend in taking Ayahuasca is in line with the the psychic's beliefs as well as Robbins; let go of anger by acknowledging it's existence. Allow the mind to be deep, even if it's swirling with murky water.
Since I can't risk laughing till I pee my pants, or relax when I'm told to relax, I have to stick to writing lists while in reality (or whatever we'll call present time) and hope for the same type of release one gets from Ayahuasca. After I feel a lightening, and a clear direction for my next project, I can spread the word, there is no need to torment yourself with hallucinogens, just make a list! It sounds so simple. Then I will know what I want to begin next. I think it is fantastic a femme thriller I've thought up, like the movie Deceived starring Goldie Hawn. Oh, that movie is so good. When I was ten years old, I used to watch that movie, peeking over the back of the couch. This is why I can't take a trip into my subconscious, I don't know what could be in there. My trip could end up being John Heard chasing me around an abandoned loft and I have to kill him with the rickety old elevator, but only get to use one eye, lurking in a shadow, to see. What a strange thrip that would be.
No comments:
Post a Comment