Tough, Like A Camel's Toe

A real tough guy

Way to go Fu Yuanhui for dropping the news that flow came to town the day before diving into the pool for the Olympics 100m. Periods never seem to fit nicely into people's schedules, putting a damper on tropical vacations, a really unfortunate pin in consummation, and depleting pro-athletes of stored energy.

The couple days at the start are often exhausting, and it takes its tool in other ways than physical strength. And I'm not talking run-of-the-mill PMS mood swings, what I refer to as my time of clarity, but I mean mind rattling anxiety. The day before I submitted summer grades, I was plagued by a student's ridiculous email after poor attendance and failing the final, that "we could work something out" so she could pass and fulfill her scholarship requirements to keep playing her beloved sport. I knew the email was like a cut and paste con game from an African Prince looking to quadruple my money, but I felt so troubled by the exchange that I wasn't able to think of much else. When my anxiety was peaking, and I began to think maybe I can't deal with some personalities in this teaching game, my period came, and with that so did peace of mind that this student didn't pass the class because she chose not to.

Two weeks after starting is the yin to the yang, balancing out for the wear of PMS, and there is a two or three day stretch where I'm the finest form of myself. Again, this is not just physically, although it's likely the day supermodels book their photo shoots, but mentally, and it projects as a powerful confidence. So when I'm walking around in the world, I feel like I'm a lady in a commercial everyone stops to look at as she goes by and the background music plays Oh Baby She's Got It. At least in my head that's how it plays out, and that's all I see, so that's all that matters!

This is the day I call Egg-Droppin Day, and it would be exceptional if I could put every important meeting of my life on this day of the cycle. I'd always be considered a great match/candidate/performer/all-around-go-getter/personality-plus/people-person/queen-bee.

I watched the movie Weather Man a hundred years ago, and I didn't remember anything about the story except for one teeny bit, but that teeny bit is tattooed on my brain because I think it's the most delightful line in a movie. Nick Cage's daughter is being teased at school for having a camel's toe, and when her grandfather talks to her about it she was oblivious to being bullied for her pants being crammed too far up her vag, rather she thought her classmates were complimenting her for being tough, like a camel's toe. I sort of adopted the line as a personal slogan. When I like to brag about being a bad ass, I casually say, "It's cus I'm tough, like a camel's toe," in an Italian accent. I drop the mic, and strut out of the room like Danny Zuko.

I start my fall term this Saturday. Happily, I'm not running into Fu's luck for my first day. I'm going to be in top form on the second week of the term, and that's my chance to really capture the crowd. In the past I talked about how I like to drag it up for class, and dress to unimpress as a way to maintain a wall between my students, but I've decided I'm going to quit dressing like I got lost in men's wear at Salvation Army and just be myself. Germaine Greer might think of my dressing like a butch mad scientist as a defense mechanism, a way to draw myself out of the gaze, so I can be taken seriously rather than mind fucked, and I would most likely agree with her.

My sister gave me a bunch of clothes when I was leaving Philly. She was going to give me some really nice shit, but I told her to keep it because I can't wear them to work. I laughed my ass off after she gave me an all-knowing nod and said, "Oh, the too pretty problem." A problem anyone faces who gets all dressed up, and then walks into a grocery store and feels like everyone is staring at her, and unless it's Egg-Droppin time of the cycle I am not equipped with the confidence for that kind of attention.

I know that clothing doesn't matter because attractiveness really does radiate from within, but when people initially see me and I look like a brain dead valley girl, then I have a bit of an upward battle with trying to make them take me seriously as I explain to them that I don't fall for email schemes where a semester of absences and failed exams can be fixed by completing a packet of miscellaneous handouts the last week of class. I'd be inundated with them.

This is all perception though, and it isn't really tough to think about what people think about me. But then again, how else does one become a tough guy without making people think she's tough and therefore caring what people think. Holy crap, where am I going with this? Goodnight, from a Camel's toe, a reluctantly pretty one.