Gone Girl Gets Ugly

Chipped nails, eating in the car… Get some self respect.

I watched Gone Girl the other night. It was a good movie, although I feel like I was fed some misinformation by the media before watching it. I remember being told the movie ends differently than the book: FALSE, and I remember hearing that Ben Affleck’s penis makes a special appearance: FALSE. Perhaps the penis part happened, and I missed it. It wasn’t till the credits rolled when I remembered; “shouldn’t there have been some dick?” So I wasn’t looking for it. But really, should they be advertising Ben Affleck’s peen if it so brief and hidden, one actually never notices it? NO. That is some ridiculous dangling carrot marketing. I assume it was a tactic used to lure in 50 Shades groupies. Hopefully the 50 Shades fanatics were underwhelmed, and pounded out some long blogs on the empty promises of Gone Girl. Ummm, lets move on.

The best part of the movie is when we see Amy in her beat up car, driving away. The “Real” Amy is revealed, and after admitting to only being pretty in order to keep her man, she transforms from beautiful to ugly. The movie didn’t go full Monster with her, but they used the usual tricks of big glasses, baggy clothes and unkempt hair. To emphasize her sliding into trash ball mode, Amy is shown eating Kit Kats and drinking Mountain Dew, she also eats in her car.

When the movie ended, I didn’t think, oh damn, what a twist because I read the book. But I did think, fuck, I need to clean up my diet. If the difference between a glamorous socialite’s look and a herpes lipped trailer park girl is a dye job and a clean diet, then I think I can manage a couple minor changes to improve myself. Pretty Amy should have held onto at least one of her bad habits, like eating in the car. Her butt was so small; it looked like a child’s. If she had kept up on her Kit Kat habit, she could have maintained a plumper booty while being a glamourous murderer.

Talking to my mom the day after watching the movie, I was going on about my new found motivation to stop eating like shit. My mom said, “Alicia, you don’t want to get too thin!” as if I had already dropped more weight than a long exhale. I agreed, “Oh, of course mother! That’s why I think I should still be able to eat drive thru breakfast sandwiches.”

Even though I read the book, so the story was familiar, the movie did reveal something new to me: the road to self improvement is lined with drive thrus, and if you don’t stop off and treat yourself once in a while then you will get a flat butt and possibly be driven to kill.

Combatting flat butt one Hash brown & Ketchup McMuffin at a time.