My brother was in town for work, and we hung out one night. We talked about "Transformative Hangovers." The most god awful hangovers, where you feel so terrible and close to death, that the hope for recovering and being normal again is so strong, all you can think is, When I'm right again, I will be a better person.
I have another weekend coming up, and the boredom that comes along with it is a bit unexciting. A friend from school asked if I had any one to hang out with, but then I explained they're all friends through kids. So we always hang out in playdate situations, and I'd be this bizarre fifth wheel on a family's Saturday activities.
My sister suggested online dating, and was really selling me on Match. I set up the profile, and then went through ten pages of people, and felt like I was browsing houses on RedFin. After watching Master of None, I felt intrigued to start a Tinder account. It had the reputation of just being for hook ups, but from what I read online, it's just as respectable as Match for dating. I never went back on Match because I went swiping crazy on the first night, and now I've got twenty text message chains going.
I learned to be more selective on my swiping because I won't be able to keep up all these chats. The texting gives me something to do though when I lay next to my daughter as she falls asleep. Usually, I read Dlisted, then I go through this cyber loop until she's snoring; Instagram, Facebook, Gmail, Yahoo mail, and repeat. I can repeat a lot, if she is restless, but I'll never run out of texts to send.
I also told my brother, "Maybe I'm a lesbian?" He was like, "OK."
Then I let out my twenty questions; But what if this is common when women get out of long relationships? Don't you think it would be less of an unknown? Is this just because I have a bad taste in my mouth? Or because Dad is so awesome, that really, unless they are a widow, it will be impossible to find someone who doesn't fall terribly short in comparison, and this makes me detest men even more?
He had no answers.
I told him I might ask the guy out at the gym. Perhaps this is all just from my isolated weekends. I said, "Theres this guy who wears a Batman belt. I'll ask him out, but I'm going to expect him to say no, so that way it won't be weird."
This morning I didn't get to go to yoga because when I brought George into the kids club a little girl was freaking the fuck out, and chasing after her mother screaming because mommy dearest was planning on leaving her there for thirty minutes to get a quick work out in. One screaming kid in a daycare can really set off a tsunami wave of anxiety because suddenly all the kids start thinking, My mom's left and what if she isn't coming back for me?
So George saw this little girl chasing her mother in terror, and then he wrapped himself around my leg like a boa constrictor. I had to sit with him for twenty minutes before I was able to leave, and I missed too much of the class. So I went into the gym and did the treadmill. I never saw Batman belt, which I'm taking as a sign, but I did see the mom whose kid acted like she was abandoning her in a cage full of lions, and I gave her a thumbs up for making it out of there.
One of my favorite quotes is from Lucille Ball, it goes, "I'm not funny. What I am is brave." So I'm not afraid to tell people I'm only looking for someone to hold my popcorn when I go to the bathroom, and in return I will carry a burrito in my purse for them to eat after we find an aisle seat somewhere toward the back of the theater. Throughout my online dating pursuits, and its only been two days so far, I learned this term Swamp Donkey. It means, a very ugly girl who hangs around in bars waiting to sexually assault males who are too drunk to defend themselves. Now she sounds like fun, right!?
In my twenties, I'd commonly spend an entire Saturday at the movies. Perhaps it was a bit of fearlessness, but I'd walk out of the early morning matinee I purchased the ticket for, and go right into another screening, after that one, I'd walk into another showing. I didn't once worry someone would approach me and ask to see my ticket, then tell me it was for a show that played six hours earlier, and that because I didn't buy any concessions, yet my purse is full of candy wrappers and I smell like I recently ate a Togos sandwich, I need to quickly make my way to the exit.
Reading dating profiles, it seems like everyone loves to go to the movies, that and trying new places to eat. Maybe this new promo inserted before the film starts, where the celebrity thanks the audience for coming to the theater, isn't really necessary. Although the handful of us in the theater on a Friday night do appreciate the gesture.
This weekend I want to watch Chuck, and then take NyQuil and read in bed. Its hard to write in your dating profile that you don't want to do anything beyond platonic. I guess the best way to do that is be very honest, looking for a movie friend, and too be extra sure that I won't feel compelled to give Mandy Moore's don't fall in love with me speech from "A Walk To Remember," I could add, employed only part time with two moderately behaved young children.
I have another favorite little quote, or ditty, I sing to my kids, "I love myself. I think I'm grand. I go to the movies and I hold my hand." It's nice to not need transformative hangovers anymore to ignite me on a trajectory of success. I feel pretty good with where I'm at. I guess if I had a Transformative Hangover I'd set my sights on eating less bread, for health purposes, you know. I need some adult companionship that extends beyond my parents, who are not cinephiles. And I just realized, our profiles wouldn't be compatible; my parents only sort of like going to the movies and they actually have no interest, ever, in trying new restaurants. Thats a swipe left.
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