Cloudbusting

As my car inched down the freeway, I seriously regretted chugging two glasses of water before I left. I had to pee so bad it was making me feel like I could throw up. I had the urge to send a text to the person I talked to every day for the last four years, but I knew I couldn’t because we broke up.

In my twenties, I had my birth chart done. It’s a life horoscope based on the date, time, and location of birth. I hate to break it to anyone born in Los Angeles at 4:30 on June 26, 1982, but relationships' outlook was pretty bleak. I believe it said, to expect to find your love companion in 2040.

It didn’t say I wouldn’t try, I believe it said there would be many attempts. I’m unashamedly like Elizabeth Taylor, but with the sense to not marry every man who goes down on me. Instead, I just feel utterly indebted.

This was a very hard decision, and it’s been a sad time. I look at the past few years with the same perspective as examining a Reversible Image picture. Like you look at it one way, and you see an old lady, and you look at it another way and you see a young girl. I can look back and see such amazing moments, so intimate and funny, but the picture of what led me to this point is not apparent. The absence of that can send immediate distress, but I just have to close one eye and cock my head to the left (metaphorically) and find the other image.

The internal debate was strong at the beginning. I had two lawyers deliberating my decision. Let’s call one Marsha Marsha Marsha Clark and the other one Johnny Cockram. Marsha Marsha Marsha was defending my decision, and Johnny Cockram was poking holes in it every chance he could. 

I was worried I’d isolate and give these lawyers too much time, but I have a bunch of friends, 2 sisters, 2 brothers, 20 cousins, 14 aunts and uncles, and like a million nieces and nephews. There’s always a wedding, baptism, baby shower, retirement party, or some other celebration happening. 

I was talking on the phone to my mom when I was walking the dog, and she told me that for Christmas she is buying everyone this plunger choking device. When she described the product she gave a monologue that sounded word for word like a commercial. She explained how many people die each year from choking and described how an EMT saved a young kid’s life. I told her, “Mom, I think you’ve been brainwashed by your Fox News commercials. Now they’re using their fear tactics to sell you things.”

She told me I was wrong. Anyone who has a loved one who is a Fox News devotee hears this often. After I was home, and tidying up around the house, I thought, “Maybe I should get the choking plunger! I probably should have it here in case I’m choking and alone!”

I was grateful for my mom looking out, and now I can be even more grateful for her tracking me on my phone because if I go missing she’ll be the first to know.

Music can be a band-aid or a nice rubbing of salt in the wound. My playlist is an emotional minefield right now. And I can walk into the store, or be lying in the dentist’s chair and a song will start playing that brings up very vivid memories. It’s important in these moments to remind myself, this is a coincidence, not a sign from the universe.

I was sitting with Kiki in the car and she started singing “Running Up That Hill,” and I was thrown. When I asked her how she knew a Kate Bush song from 1985, she told me, “It’s not old… It’s on Stranger Things.”

I started listening to Kate Bush, and what a glorious band-aid. Babooshka is an elevated Do You Like Piña Coladas song, and Cloudbusting is awesome, can there be a better song? I played Kiki Wuthering Heights and she looked shocked. I told her, “Yes, this is some weird shit, but if you listen to it a few more times, you’ll see it’s pretty brilliant."

I was scared to tell the kids. I thought I could handle it like how I was going to handle our cat disappearing last summer (but she miraculously turned back up after two weeks) and put off this conversation by continuing to tell them he’s traveling when they’re home. My parents came into town to help me take a bunch of stuff to the dump, and when I told them this plan, they told me that it was a terrible idea and that my kids would think it was weird that I had lied to them.

So, I sucked it up and told them. They were sad. They said, “I can’t believe you’re getting divorced again.”

I told them, “It’s technically not a divorce.”

Geoffrey told me he wanted to go running, so we set out on a run, and he asked me questions about it. He asked, “Why didn’t you talk to him?”

I assured him, I didn’t not try. Geoffrey knows I’m a hard worker, but he doesn’t know I do my best learning on the job.

I don’t actually believe in horoscopes. I read them for fun. My monthly horoscope for September said I would get a big sum of money mid-month. It lied. I literally wrote in my journal, “Fuck my horoscope.”

I’ll still read my November horoscope because it’s nice to feel like something good is going to happen, and even if it doesn't happen in November, 2040 is on the distant horizon.