I heard a comedian once say, "Did you ever do something awkward, and then think about it for the next seven years?"
I laughed, and thought, "All the fucking time."
Today as I was cleaning up the kitchen, when I was sweeping, I remembered a couple years back going to a San Francisco Giants game with my family. George was two and Kiki four. For that particular game, all kids were given a wiffle ball set as a gift. Kiki and George, paraded around with their bats till we got to the bleachers, and we had to confiscate them because, being young children, they were oblivious to the cramp quarters, and swatting people surrounding us. George wouldn't just fucking let it go, and started to throw a terrible tantrum. We anxiously tried to distract him, but he tunnel visioned on the bat, and after I took it from him again, he hit me in the face. My reaction should have been to keep calm, but I hit him upside the head. Usually, I wouldn't think this is so awful, because he really can't act like such a brat, but what happened right after I hit him on the head is the worse part. The people behind us started cheering, and then I felt fucking terrible.
They were congratulating me for not being a parent-doormat, and taking charge of the situation, but George noticed the you-go-girl spectatorship, and he put his head in my neck and cried. I still pray there isn't some psyche damage from being publicly shamed for acting like an inconsolable two-year-old.
I picked him up, and we walked out of the bleachers and cruised around the park, but on my walk from our seat to the stairs, a woman with an infant in an ergo pouch glared at me like I punched my child in the eye, and I was privately shamed.
He was fine as we ventured thru AT&T Park. My number one goal when attending sporting events is to eat, so he was my comrade on the foodie exploration that included a Ghiradelli booth, we parked outside of most of the game.
The other day I received my monthly newsletter from the physic healer I saw in October and she gave some mediation advice on how to feel cheerful in the post holiday slump. She said to think of a time where you were so completely happy. Focus on that moment, think of what it feels like to be so happy, how it made your body and mind feel. This practice helps stimulate dopamine in your mind.
I immediately thought of the day I went into labor with my daughter. It was a wonderful chance that my mom and little sister were in LA when I went into labor. After going to the doctor in the morning, I was told to go home until the labor intensified later in the afternoon. So we picked up philly cheesesteaks (of all things!) and went back to my house where I tried to take a nap but was so fucking excited, couldn't close my eyes for a second.
My mom came to town with The Kennedys Miniseries on DVD, and was hellbent on watching it that day. I tried to protest as much as I could, but I was also very much in my head, it was a surreal time, I knew I was about to give birth to my baby who I walked around with in my belly the last ten months, so I just hung out. My mom, is an extrovert trapped inside of an introvert, so to people who know her, she is the most wildly funny person. Jim Carey (on Oprah) said that he thinks all comedians get their gift from their mothers. Humor passes on through the mom, which makes sense since she is likely the one who is sitting down at the table with you breakfast, lunch and dinner, so her quirky weirdness becomes the normal.
My mom said something, I don't even remember what, but I started laughing so hard, my enormous eighty pound baby (she was actually only 9) started laughing too, and squished my bladder (yeah, that must have been why) and I laughed so hard I peed my pants. Then I ran to the bathroom, laughing harder because my gigantic pregnant self, was pissing on the floor from laughing so hard.
This week Mark Zuckerberg announced that he is not an atheist anymore. This revelation comes after the birth of his child, and Priscilla Chan and him pledging 99% of their Facebook shares to human advancement. I found this to be the most important news of the week. It makes me think how it's probably much easier for women to feel connected to God through our suffering. We are born the second sex, and it's through this marginalization we understand suffering. The act of birthing a child demonstrates the heights of women's pain and divinity.
Then, through our children, we understand love. This is wide sweeping, there are probably people who feel this love earlier in their life, perhaps through romance or a soulmate, but if those opportunities don't happen, then through children we gain an understanding of love, and a deeper connection to God.
Love is birthed from a moment, but stays with us forever, through memories that fuel our heart throughout life, even after doing shitty stupid things, like hitting your kid upside the head in front of an audience. Tonight, I walked into the living room, and found George, standing ontop of the TV stand in his underwear, with his duck blanket draped over his head. As I lunged toward him shouting, "Get down from there, you could faaaaaaaaa...."
He bent his knees and jumped into the air, and then fell to the floor. He is just wild, and doesn't like to follow rules.
I bought him a new game for his LeapPad, and was working on my laptop next to him as he played it. I got distracted because I heard the game keep saying, "Thats incorrect. Select the number three."
And, still typing on my keyboard, I said to him, "You know what the number three looks like. Pick the number three." The game again said, "Sorry, that's incorrect. Pick the number three."
Then I looked over, and saw his face. He was absolutely giddy, red-faced and smiling, repeatedly selecting the wrong answer, on purpose. He threw his head back, laughing so hard he almost peed his pants.
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