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| Game Changers? I think not! |
I was holding an
egg as the kids were dying them for Easter, and talking about how smooth the
shell feels. Acknowledging the color, I thought about an episode of Sex
and the City. The episode went something like this; Carrie farts next to Mr.
Big, and from shock and embarrassment, she over compensates by acting like a
freaking lunatic the rest of the week, obsessing that Big is going to break up
with her for farting. In the end of the episode Big shows up at Carrie's where
she is painting her kitchen. Big breaks the ice by looking at the paint on the
cabinets, and saying, "Eggshell, nice color!" Then they have sex, or
some shit.
I'm not sure
which is more annoying, Big's immediate color recognition of egg shell, or
Carrie acting like a fucking moron in two ways. First, by thinking Big will
dump her for farting, and secondly, for turning into pudding after a week of
stress and anguish because he wasn’t answering her phone calls.
I am far away
from this early stage in relationships. The idea of having to go through the
hurdle of getting to know someone enough to fart in front of them makes me feel
like sitting tight.
My memories might serve me wrong, but I don't remember acting like the moronic lead character in romantic comedies chasing down someone who is mean to them. I remember someone telling me about this book called He's Just Not That Into You. While they were telling me about this groundbreaking information, I looked at them confused saying, "So you need a book to tell you that when a guy doesn't return your phone calls he doesn't like you? Its seems pretty fucking obvious."
My memories might serve me wrong, but I don't remember acting like the moronic lead character in romantic comedies chasing down someone who is mean to them. I remember someone telling me about this book called He's Just Not That Into You. While they were telling me about this groundbreaking information, I looked at them confused saying, "So you need a book to tell you that when a guy doesn't return your phone calls he doesn't like you? Its seems pretty fucking obvious."
The entire
charade of not farting around a new mate probably keeps a lot of couples
together. I doubt meeting people is hard, but concealing flatulent seems like
too much work, especially with age onset lactose intolerance.
Yesterday I went on a jog with the kids in the afternoon. The heat wave in combination with pushing 70 pounds in a double stroller, made the jog especially brutal. Sweating like a pig, and singing songs in my head, I was flattered to be offered booze TWICE by homeless men. The first guy was drinking a bottle of Listerine on the side of a grocery store parking lot, and the second guy, who was a dead ringer for the actor in the Bitter Beer Face commercials, was on a curb by a fire station at the tail end of the run. Given the conditions, I had to decline the offers, but it was good to know I still got it, and I don't have to worry about kids killing my game. It's just this farting thing...
Yesterday I went on a jog with the kids in the afternoon. The heat wave in combination with pushing 70 pounds in a double stroller, made the jog especially brutal. Sweating like a pig, and singing songs in my head, I was flattered to be offered booze TWICE by homeless men. The first guy was drinking a bottle of Listerine on the side of a grocery store parking lot, and the second guy, who was a dead ringer for the actor in the Bitter Beer Face commercials, was on a curb by a fire station at the tail end of the run. Given the conditions, I had to decline the offers, but it was good to know I still got it, and I don't have to worry about kids killing my game. It's just this farting thing...
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| It's easy to say no to a face like this |
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