Where my Frauda and WayBans at?

Don't got my Frauda, but I am tan!!

I am in Cancun, and today we intended to get a bit of the local life, but we never actually found it. The local life does not seem to exist, and every tourist is forced into a trap of indignity with overpriced food, and watered down drinks. This complaint does not come heavy handed since I am floating on a cloud made of nacho cheese sauce and Dos Equis (not a fart cloud, sucio.)
Most resorts here are "all inclusive" so they basically stuff food down your throat all day and whatever room is left is to be filled with beer. Now I see why people do not leave their all-inclusive compound, it is not because a drug lord's henchmen will snatch your fanny pack right from your belt, but because leaving means shelling out gobs of cash for shitty food you could get back at the resort.
I am going to do some more yelping, and get to the bottom of this. Until I get the inside scoop though I will rely on my trusty bracelet that allows me to retrieve any food I want, as long as it is available on one of the many buffets provided, and wash it down with beer.

Got wristband? Got nachos!

The food is good, and I do enjoy the options, but I reckon if someone were staying here for longer than a week it could get a bit tiresome. Where is the quinoa kale salad, didn't that shit originate in South America? Today I had to put on the brakes because I ate nachos 4 times yesterday, in between meals. When I put on my bikini this morning, I had a nacho reality check. If given the choice, I'd rather have beer, so I decided to pick the better of the two vices for my bikini body's sake.
My mini fridge is restocked every day with 4 mini bottles of beer. They are hilariously little, and can be consumed in maybe 3 large gulps. Its good for me though, since I chase 2 kids around the pool all day long and a hangover would make this not as fun as it is. The fear of children drowning does make lounging with my eyes closed and listening to the waves impossible, but there is nap time and I make up for all lost tanning then. I can crack open the little beers after I put the kids to sleep since I have to be room bound from 8pm on.

On my quest into town today I passed a "luxury mall" on the bus ride and this seems like the perfect location for overpriced mediocre food. My ultimate goal in Mexico is to tan, and my second goal is to score some Frauda purses and WayBan glasses but so far the latter is not happening. I think the luxury mall is likely killing the knock off market since they strong-armed the Mexican government into cleaning up the counterfeits or these stores wouldn't keep shop. It's quite sad really because it is cutting the middle-class-man from the equation. Some people just want a Louis Vuitton, even if is says Luis Button, because its a status symbol; I am middle class and I buy knock of shit.
When I was in Mexico as a teenager buying a fake handbag was pretty easy as all the markets carried them, now it seems IMPOSSIBLE. I ask and ask, in shitty but understandable spanish, but it is like going down a rabbit hole. It is always my Grandma, sister and I who go on these hunts, and we find ourselves in too many dark alleys to make it seem like casual shopping. Like 3 crackheads jonesing for a score we will follow any beer bellied Mexican in a wife beater down a dimly lit hall to find the purses he claimed to have, but falls very short on his promise. I will never confuse a neon plastic beach bag that says "I am in Cancun Bitch" with a Gucci, but he is judging my mental abilities on some pretty poorly spoken language.
Tomorrow I am going to Isla de Mujeres, so maybe I will get lucky there! As for now, I am happy to report, my tan is coming along splendidly!