I just finished the latest Woody Allen movie and it was
pretty blah. As usual it was a bunch of rich, smart (meaning well read and even
better at regurgitating) and entitled people blurting out overtly philosophical
jargon, which further induces nausea.
This is what bugs me about Woody Allen movies; he is such a fucking
snob, and all his movies make this clear. There is also the recent revelation
that he is a child molester, which makes him a snob and a child molester, the
absolute worst kind of snob to be.
Acting like a know it all snotty bitch might be Woody’s
forte, but he has the courtesy of making his characters act natural, by having
skirting eyes, or seem to act overly nervous, as if this awkward behavior makes
the ridiculous snobbery more palatable. This is what Woody has contributed to modern comedy, the fucking nervous and sarcastic schlub who is too smart and enlightened for his tiny body. Watch an episode of new girl, and notice how many time they say "awkward" and the Woody Allen rippling effect will become crystal clear.
I recently went to Napa and ate at The French Laundry.
Eating a thousand dollar meal was exciting. I felt a bit peculiar when
being seated, which is nothing a couple $30 glasses of wine can’t fix. After
relaxing and really soaking in the lifestyle of the rich and famous, I was
pretty sure I’d fit in nicely in these upper circles. I’d quote the shit out of
Nietzsche and McLuhan if it meant I’d being living the high life full time. The
snobbery was intoxicating and I drank it up while eating plate after plate of
tiny meticulously designed edible art.
After leaving the restaurant I needed a cigarette. It was a
nice smoke, one that eased the cost of the bill as much as the food and drinks. The
entire experience was elating, but as time passed it was obvious just how out
of the norm it had been. I have champagne tastes on a beer budget, and this led
me to making reckless decisions while dining. I started with beer, then I had
some chardonnay, followed by another beer, and then dessert wine; which led me
to barf a couple hours after I left the restaurant. I barfed up a thousand
dollars worth of food and drink, what a fucking tragedy, and absolutely
pitiful to a snob. Luckily, I don’t give a fuck about what the snobs think,
especially pretentious ass, child-molesting snobs.
The experience highlighted a personal realization that I am the most god awful wine
drinker because I like to guzzle. I even had to lay off of IPA for a while because I am such an
enthusiastic drinker. During this time, the only drink I could sustain a long night of drinking
was Coors because it is 4% and keeps me hydrated as well as sane. When I have
wine it needs to be in a very controlled environment, like there is just one or two bottles and after its done I can call it a night, and turn on shark tank while I
annoy everyone as I explain what shark is going to take the product.
I am a thirsty person. During the day I have multiple beverages going
simultaneously. I have a water with a coffee, next a coke, followed by a tea.
It’s ongoing, all day long. I pee like every 20 minutes. So wine has always
been against me because I am not someone who can leisurely sip a tiny glass
that is intended to last 45 minutes because it is not humanly possible.
Initially I play into the part of a fancy pants wine drinker, and take my glass
and sip it like a person who has remarkable self control, but by the third
glass, my mouthfuls of wine are on par with Henry the eighth while
holding a turkey leg in his other hand.
I stick to beer, and presently I can
have IPA, it is the holidays for fucks sake! So I guess I am beer budget on beer taste after all. What a
relief to figure that shit out, the most expensive lesson thus far. Awkward!
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