Cat Person

Last night I watched “Marriage Story” next to my boyfriend; a real buzz kill for budding romance. The movie does an academy award-winning job of illuminating the looming cloud of impending doom following relationships. I’m categorizing it as divorce fantasy, the target audience being married people. As a divorced person, the movie brought on a slight headache that resided in my front right brain for 18 hours.

Marriage. I don’t think many women would do it without the promise of the baby in the baby carriage. There are women who don’t marry a man in order to progress their maternal instincts, and some of them are called lesbians. It’s a known fact; lesbians are the most intelligent humans. Google it. I tend to be modest about my modesty, so I’m surprised I find myself watching Fire Stick with someone who has a fire stick, and I can’t even blame it on needing to get a baby in me.

Admitting to not liking babies is much more socially acceptable than saying you don’t like dogs? Dogs, they’re all right. I guess. Whenever I’m around them, I’m scared they’re going to attack me, starting at my vagina. I love babies; even the annoying ones, and I see plenty of them at my second job, selling women’s clothes at Arden Fair Mall. The other day a family came in, and my co-worker started chatting up this nosey kid, and decided to brag on my behalf by pointing to me and saying, “She’s a college professor.”

The boy gave a look that suggested they must give those jobs to anyone, and then he asked, “Well what is she doing here then?”

I told him, “Voltaire says, work spares us from three evils; boredom, vice and need,”

He still looked confused, I wanted to expand on the idea, by saying, “You see, sonny boy, isolation makes me depressed, additionally, regular masturbation robs you of creative energy.”

Instead, he spilled his Taco Bell Sour Skittle slushy, and watched me clean it up.

Like lesbians, Cats are the most superior of domestic breeds, blowing dogs and babies out of the water. They require minimal attention, and only instill fear when hunting invisible entities while I’m relaxing watching Fire Stick.

So, while I watch Marriage Story with a man who gives me heart eyes, and I mask my fear of having to recite the rehearsed, “Well, we knew this was going to happen eventually, and I’m just grateful to have it over with,” speech by saying honest things like, “men are selfish liars.” It’s really nice of him to offer me up a gummy bear ring and protection from the seemingly possessed cat.

Marriage Story might be topping lists of the year’s best movies, but I could have gone without it. My official review, the movie is very long. During drawn out monologues you can easily drift off in thought, most likely considering the reasoning behind Scarlett Johanson’s haircut. The pretentiousness of the film crescendos after 15 minutes of boring karaoke, and it finally reaches the resolution, which was pretty much exactly where it started.

As discussed earlier, I’m not demonstrating a lifestyle that indicates I’m in those top tier intelligence levels, so perhaps that’s why I lack appreciation for the basic sob story of ingratitude and infidelity followed up by the celebratory flushing of a hundred thousand dollars down the toilet.

If you’ve got a night to waste, give the movie a go. It might help you amend to the old adage first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage, a natural fourth step, like then comes split custody, a cute kitten and long nights with a fire stick (if your into that sort of thing.)