Totes Sequin Totes

Holidays are coming, fast. I have already settled on all the kids’ toys for Christmas and next weekend I am placing my amazon order, after which all the toys will sit in my closet until Christmas Eve night when I decide I can’t put off wrapping anymore. Then I will wrap presents until 2am and be tired and easily annoyed on Christmas day. Being easily annoyed around family is not wise because the fighting gloves come on, and before you know it half the room will be in tears and the other half screaming at the top of their lungs. When this happens we all throw in the towel and decide to get drunk in order to perk up. It generally works.

This year I am making my woman friends dope ass handbags with sequin messages.  When I say woman friends I really mean my mom, sisters and cousin because I don’t have much space for any other person to be close to. I already spend the next couple months thinking of ways to avoid every social event I am invited to, and I usually blame it on one of my woman friend/relatives. I usually say, “I’m so sorry I can’t come to your party that starts in 15 minutes. My sister has seriously bad diarrhea, and I have to watch her baby, who has diarrhea too.”

I started making a bag for myself, as a tester, and it is much more work than I anticipated. While sewing on sequins I watched 4 episodes of House Hunters International and because I sew like I’m in a sweat shop, I don’t have the time to put the needle down and fast forward through commercials. I saw the commercial for Prego Spaghetti Sauce about 20 times. It reminds me of my parents who made us eat Ragu, which is its equally cheap counter part probably made in a factory where workers are encouraged to pee in the vats of tomatoes instead of take breaks to use the bathroom.

My parents were 23 when they started having kids, and stopped at 29, when they had their fifth and final bundle of joy. So they were poor, and we ate shit that is considered gross by much of middle class today. The smart thing about having kids at the young age of 20 is that by the time you start making big bucks your kids are out the door, so you don’t have to spend it on them by buying the next step up pasta sauce, like Bertolli.

Now as my parents jet set around the globe, probably dining on fine imported sauce from Italy, they can think about how they sacrificed, scrimped and scraped by with 5 little rats sucking the life out of them. They went from rags to riches. I went about things differently, by having kids in my 30’s. So I went from world traveling and eating at gastro pubs every night to boxed mac and cheese and saying things like “it’s the thought that counts.” My life of leisure will be bimodal, as theirs is exponentially growing.

I can thank them though for setting the bar pretty low on what’s acceptable to eat. I probably spent $40 a week on groceries in college and was able to subsist off of hot pockets and soda, without complaint. It was a step up, actually. This helped tremendously, since I didn’t spend student loan money on wood burning pizza and micro brew.

My Mom’s tote is going to say “Money Bags” so she won't Scrooge McDuck on me this holiday season. I am going to bring my kids to see Santa at the mall, and after they each hand them their list of things that I will buy on Amazon, I am going to hand him a list from me. My letter will go something like this, “Dear Santa, I have been extra good, and here is my list. # 1 - a check made out to me for $10,000,000. There is no number 2 because I am trying to minimize my life. Thanks Santa, you are so sweet, and don’t let those stupid assholes get you down in regards to your waistline. They don’t fucking realize how cold it is on your sleigh at night, and that you eat all those cookies because you are polite. Why else would anyone eat nasty oatmeal cookies? I will only have chocolate chip for you. Thanks for making everyone sofa king happy this year. Love, Alicia”