A Golden Beam to Uranus

New Ride

I bought a car last week. Car buying is a dreadful but also very exciting experience that I can only tolerate every half decade because the emotional roller coaster takes ages to recover from. I wake up in the middle of the night thinking, "Could I have gotten a better deal?" Then get a drink of water and pace back and forth in the kitchen while glaring at the shiny new car in my driveway. Other times, I think how fun it is to act like a hard ass, negotiating the price as the sales manager runs back and forth to an office where the dealership's Wizard of Oz gives a nod of approval.

The dealership contacted me because they made a mistake on the paper work and I needed to resign some documents. I consulted my horoscope to make sure Mercury is not in retrograde before I signed the papers because it is a bad idea to buy anything major while Mercury is in retrograde, and signing contracts will cause long term headaches, so says Susan Miller, astrologer to The People. As I read my horoscope, it gave me the usual optimistic outlook on things. My month looks great, and Mercury doesn't go retrograde until September 17. Uranus made an appearance, and that always makes horoscope reading fun. I giggled to myself as I read, "Venus and Mars join forces to send a golden beam to Uranus, bringing an influx of cash, career praise and applause!" My anus has never been so excited. However, the projected date of the golden beam entering my anus was yesterday, so I never noticed my astrological sodomy session.

I love my money, and it concerns me when I am frivolous with it. I'm like Mr. Wonderful on Shark tank, I consider my money familial, and I like to gaze lovingly at my bank statements online, so if I fear I let some go without something better in return then my Scrooge McDuck fantasies of swimming in an enormous vault of gold coins isn't as exciting. I hope the car buying emotional oscillations from pride to doubt begin to shorten and ends at content because I need my sleep. It doesn't matter if I could have negotiated a better price because the papers are signed, and it's a done deal. So if I got it up the ass from the dealership, I didn't feel it. I'm thinking I have a knack for that.