February is Over

 

We watched the movie Premonition last night. Sandra Bullock jumps through time to days leading up to and after her husband dying in a car accident. Sandra learns her husband was planning to have an affair, but because she can go back in time, she rekindles their love. The love scene starts with Sandra kneeling in front of him. I’m watching with the kids and dreaded having to explain what a BJ is, but the intimate scene was her removing his shoes, like a servant.

My kids were dual-screening, playing games on their iPads while watching, so they weren’t as invested in the story, but they didn’t mind that I spent the last fifteen minutes screaming at Sandra, giving her great advice she couldn’t hear.

While deciding on the movie, I suggested Last of the Mohicans. We watched the trailer, and Geoffrey immediately said no because it looked too old, and my gosh, he was right. The movie looked like it was filmed in the 1950’s.

Shutterfly sent me an email with a picture from eight years ago. It was Geoffrey drinking a milkshake, and I remember that day very well because it was the day after his dad came home from a work trip and dumped my ass like a bitch. I couldn’t believe how much time passed. The picture didn’t look Last of the Mohicans old; it looked like it just happened.

I was having a “You’ve come a long way, baby” moment without the Virginia Slim, thinking about the last eight years. There are stages to post-divorce life. The first stage is fun and games. I’ll call this the return to party girl. A woman unleashed, all of a sudden having two days off a week, and dives into slutting and drinking. 

Once that ended, because a mid-thirties party girl isn’t sustainable, I entered the second stage, where I became delusional and said things like, my ex is my best friend.

This is quite common, and I hear plenty of celebrities regurgitate this garbage in post-divorce interviews. It is said with the best intentions to help the kids, but it most likely leads to confusion. What do kids think when the two people raising them reiterate how they are great friends? They’re probably like, “Oh great, best friends, perfect, now you both can stop making me pack up my life every three days to go back and forth from houses.”

I don’t think I should have said something extremely negative, like, “We're divorced because I find him to be a dishonest you-know-what-sucker. But that’s just me.”

When my daughter was in therapy, her therapist told her, “Your parents don’t like each other.” I think that was the first time she heard that. I know now I should have straight-up said this to my daughter early on. I’ll make better choices during my second divorce.

After hearing me argue with his dad, Geoffrey asked me if I hated his dad. I told him, “Your dad gave me the most beautiful life. If it wasn’t for him, I wouldn’t have my kids, so I don’t hate him and never could hate him. He’s just grouchy, and I’m not here for it.”

Some honesty. I didn’t say grouchy you-know-what-sucker, just grouchy.

I don’t know what to call the next stage, commit to the life I dreamed up as an eight-year-old but was derailed from teenage psychosis. Life goals are great, but they are tested by the brutal relentlessness of February. 

Poor G had the worst flu; it lasted two weeks. He lost ten pounds, going from skinny to emaciated. Stressed out by his loss of appetite, I fixed him snacks all day long. He’d be repulsed by the sight, so I’d eat it, sitting in front of him and describing the flavors trying to entice him.

Needless to say, all my clothes shrunk because of eating all the snacks I was making G. If I had Sandra Bullock’s time jumping powers, I’d go back to advise my slimmer self to size up when buying cute clothes.

After G rejected a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, I presented it to Kiki, she waved it off and said, “I won’t eat peasant food.”

A thirteen-year-old is going to come at you with some crazy shit, but I was thinking this might be evidence of reincarnation. I asked her, “Where on earth did you hear such a thing because around here, we don’t call a PBandJ peasant food, it’s just called food?”

She said, “It was in Ratatouille.”

I must have been dual-screening because I missed that line.

Kiki stays with me more lately; maybe it's the 13-year-old energy not vibing with the grouchy energy. We get lots of girl time; she plays me Taylor Swift songs, explaining the back stories and how they're intertwined. Sometimes, she tears up from the songs. Then I tear up because I’m loving the moment.

Every other week, we go to Kingsley’s confirmation class. She goes to her class, and the parents have a separate class. I like it, I’m learning more about the church than I ever did, and the ladies I sit with are hilarious.

In the class, we learn about mass, catholicism, and prayers. I’ve been Catholic my entire life and did all the things, but I don’t know much. Sometimes, our teacher gives us a lesson standing at the podium,  but other times, she plays YouTube videos. 

My jaw dropped the first time she played one; the priest was smoking hot. There’s a slew of videos with these hot priests. I told my table during the group discussion, “I’ve never seen a priest that looks like that.”

My little sister knew of the hot priest, she has his app and listens to his homilies. I described the distinction between the video priests and the ones I’ve seen in real life. Most priests I’ve seen in real life sound like contestants on RuPaul’s Drag Race. I told Becky how last year I went to my church on a weekday to drop off paperwork; our priest was walking the grounds holding a parasol above his head and carrying a small wicker basket in the other hand. He wasn’t skipping and swinging the basket like one might expect a contest would on Queen of the Universe, but it was still a sight to behold.

My sister covered her mouth and gasped. Her face reddened, she did the sign of the cross and said, “I don’t think you should say that.”

Lent kicked off, and I did my usual Lenten sacrifice: I gave up alcohol. This irritated my older sister, who said, “You’re sober, you can’t do that.”

I told her to stop being so jealous of how pious I am, sacrificing all year round.

That’s the phase I’m in now: choosy about my sacrifices. Thank God my daughter schools me on music, my son is healthy, and for hot priests because February is over, and it’s time to take in the sunshine.

Work Ethic

I hit the true-crime documentaries too hard last week. One episode was about a Black Widow, a woman who allegedly murdered two husbands. A week after murdering her second husband, she was on a website looking for a new man. The dating website was called Millionaire Match.

If you’re wondering how ugly a millionaire has to be to need to find a random person on the internet to go out with them, well, the person she was chatting up looked like he only had one giant tooth in his mouth that came right out the center of his top lip. A one-toothed woodchuck.

In her email to him, she explained how fun and sexual she is. The black widow will know how to hook a man, convince them all you do is walk around with a smile on your face from thoughts of humping their brains out. Little does he know that the last part is literal.

I saw this hysterical clip of Heidi Fleiss on Reels. She says, “I need a rich boyfriend or girlfriend. I don’t care who they are. I have enough problems of my own.”

The I have enough problems is the funniest part to me.

Imagining a life with no financial stress, and that this can be achieved by finding an old ass rich man. I don’t have the time for a person who is retired and needs to take medication three times a day. That is just too old. Anna Nicole Smith is smart, but her work ethic is most commendable.

I was at the gym, going after it on the elliptical machine. The gym was empty, but an old man got on the machine next to me. I was watching a show on my phone, but I kind of felt like he was staring at my butt. At one point, someone came over and chatted with the old guy. From what I could hear, multi-listening, he talked mostly about his health and doctor appointments.

With all this rich boyfriend saving my life thoughts swirling, I thought maybe someone like this guy could be it. His health issues were giving my fantasies a strange twist. I was carrying this frail man around in my arms like a baby. I ended up with the upper-arm strength of the strong sister, Louisa, from Encanto. It seemed like way too much work.

After I got off the machine, the man looked at me and smiled. He said, “Good job, kid. You look really good.”

I haven’t been called kid in a long time. It was nice. I smiled at him and said, “Thanks, you too.”

Maybe I’ll see him around.

I woke up Monday morning feeling drained. I walk around my house singing, especially when I’m heading towards my coffee, but I was struggling. The true-crime binge needed to come to an end. It’s one thing when stories are about women getting crazy rich by being fun and flirty, but there are too many other stories that are downright depressing, such as anything involving children. 

I had to go to work, but I’m glad I love my job. I love my independence, too, even if it is expensive.

High Body Count Hair

 

I had to go on an Instagram diet because my algorithm thinks I'm a lazy fatso. I love a sarcastic meme too much; it became all I saw. Would it kill the algorithm to throw in a motivational quote once in a while or an Anne Geddes portrait of a baby sitting in a flower pot with a sunflower-adorned denim bucket hat on?

When I’m not scrolling, I pay more attention to the TV. I dove back into Real Housewives. Beverly Hills has tons of sad divorce energy. I still watch it, but I started Salt Lake City for some levity. This is my first time with these housewives, and they are such shit-talking lunatics I was sucked right in. 

The satellite friend, Britany, who was not-so-secretly fucking an Osmond takes a ton of heat from these ladies. They will all go at her like a pack of wild animals, and when she finally breaks down crying, they all gasp in regret, “We took it too far.”

When Angie told Britany she had High-Body-Count hair, I immediately grabbed a sticky note to write it down. What a gem. I don’t even care that my fancy hair is like Britany’s half-up, half-down, bump-it look. Those were just some golden words. 

At one point, everyone came at Britany in extreme spite for recording their conversation on her phone. I have no clue why this upset everyone so much since there was a fucking camera crew in front of them recording the conversation as well. But after they screamed at her till she cried, they all then chased her down and encircled her with hugs. This show would be a brilliant anthropological study.

It made me think about family, and how most of these women grew up in Mormon culture. Maybe it’s the obligation and commitment to family that makes them so blasé about cutting a bitch. They know it will blow over.

My kids bicker at times, and it is frustrating because they are so close and they have a deep understanding of each other. They are well aware of each other’s buttons and boredom, hunger, and displaced rage will initiate the need to make their sibling scream. When I told them they were best friends and would realize it when they were older they asked me about my siblings.

I told them how my older sister and I were mortal enemies throughout childhood. We called my sister on the phone, and she told them how I swung a plastic bag with a can of coke in it and let it slam into her throat. I must have been really pissed off, although I don’t remember what it was that made me go commando on her ass.

When we were in high school, my parents took us to Panama. It was a cultural trip, we didn’t lounge by the beach but explored the country. On a trip into the jungle to see an indigenous tribe, we learned about people who live off the land. The women wore a wrap of cloth around their waist and their tits hung free to the world, and the men wore a type of thong underwear. 

On the canoe ride into this place, my little brother and I got into a massive fight. When we stepped off the canoe and into this little village of huts on stilts, my brother and I were screaming at each other, and the fight ended with us picking rocks up off the ground and chucking them at each other.

With the changing world, I don’t even know if a place like this exists anymore. This was over twenty years ago. Although the trip sounds like something from Brave New World, our view of them was just as interesting as their view of us. I can’t imagine anyone was thinking, wow, modern life looks so much fun after watching my brother and I hurl stones at each other’s heads. Sadly, I should have walked away with a huge shift in perspective, but I’m ashamed to tell this story because all I remember are the boobs and butts.

The stories comforted my kids. The stories comforted me too; I don’t need to worry that they will grow up and not depend on each other. My sister is my best friend and my little brother is one of my favorite people to talk to, he’s fearless and works hard to achieve his goals. 

We learn a lot from fighting with our siblings… and watching The Real Housewives. A fight is just a fight. It’s okay to move on and not dwell on it because people are just the way they are, and they react at that moment. All you can do is look back and think, Okay, I probably shouldn’t throw hard objects at people when I’m mad.

My kids and I went to Universal Studios last weekend. In case you’re curious, the Mario Brothers ride is grossly over-rated. When we came home, Geoffrey and I caught up on his reality TV show, Beast Games. The dog was ecstatic that his family was home and Geoffrey and him wouldn’t stop kissing. G said, “Let the dog lick your face.”

Like a Westboro Baptist, I gave him a look of disgust and said, “I don’t believe in that kind of love.”

I love my dog so much, but he eats poop. I’ve seen him do it. I don’t want his tongue anywhere near my face. I have high-body-count hair, but it’s not that high.

Geoffrey knows my buttons, too. After he noticed I was repulsed, he doubled down with the dog. The only way I would stop this kid from making out with Max was by ignoring him completely. I had to break the diet for the moment. I picked up my phone and was bombarded by Instagram’s opinion of me. At least I had intentionality behind it. When G was bored of trying to get me mad, I put the phone down and watched the show.

Hype Girls

 

My sister’s kids eat sloppy joes more than anyone else. One morning, she was hyping them up with the prospect of their usual dinner, and they all started chanting, “Sloppy Joes! Sloppy Joes! Sloppy Joes!”

Giving the chant a variation, she changed Joe to Jose. It morphed once again, and they dropped the last syllable in Jose. Things went too far when her three kids surrounded her and excitedly chanted, “Sloppy hoes! Sloppy hoes! Sloppy hoes!”

When I visited her last summer, she rummaged through her kitchen cabinet, shocked to find she was out of Sloppy Joe sauce. She ran to the store and returned fully stocked with a bag of cans. It would get them through the week.

I tried to make my kids Sloppy Joes when they were younger, but they told me they didn’t like them. In Philadelphia, they couldn’t get enough of my sister’s. She explained her technique; it didn’t differentiate from my method at all. You brown the hamburger meat, drain the fat, and add a can of the sauce. Maybe it's the hype she serves up with the dish. It’s always been her gift. 

My mom does the same when making Mac and cheese for her grandkids. My mom is very hyped. Sitting through church with her is wild; she carries on a stage-whisper chat with her twin granddaughters the entire time. Most kids don’t want to go to church, but my nieces probably love it, it’s a real soirée. My mom gets it from her mom, my grandma, who is equally excited every Wednesday when she goes to lunch with her twin daughters.

I joined them over Christmas break. We went to lunch to celebrate my Grandma’s birthday at a casino. The mood was set when a purple balloon floated down from nowhere and landed beside my Grandma. After lunch, we went shopping at Marshall’s. I found the cutest red-coiled stuffed snake for my son. It’s the year of the snake, his year. I was pushing my cart and showing the snake to my grandma when I accidentally ran into a woman in the aisle. I was so embarrassed and apologized. My 92-year-old grandma didn’t notice, so I whispered, “I just ran into that lady with my cart.”

My grandma nodded, and I knew she didn’t hear what I said. I waited to repeat it outside so I wouldn’t shout about it in front of the victim. My Grandma said, “I thought you said you took the snake out of that lady’s cart.”

“I wouldn’t do that,” I said. 

And she said, “Well, I wouldn’t have cared if you did.”

She’s so sweet and such good company. I had the funniest dream: my grandma and I smoked weed together. It was one of those dreams that made me smile all day long. She’s even a hype girl on the astral plane.

I’m fascinated with stories about people lucid dreaming or going to “the astral plane.” Whenever I realize I’m dreaming, I want to wake up. Today I took a nap, and I think I was starting to do it, but it was like I shot way out into outer space. Then I was floating in a body of water and the waves were getting bigger until a giant one came over me. I then was lying in a bed in a room that wasn’t mine. I stared at the ceiling and heard Mickey Mouse’s Clubhouse theme song playing.

I woke up to no Mickey Mouse’s Clubhouse. My sister was home though, on the other side of the country. Her kids had a snow day. Maybe I projected to their house, but I wasn’t in the mood to hang so I just listened to their TV.

I don’t think astral projecting is for me. It reminds me of psychedelics, you don’t want your mind to go so far away that it doesn’t come back to its full capacity. I know a lot of health experts are major proponents, but to me, they are the worst people to endorse Schedule I drugs. They have robotic, unattainable levels of self-control, and they’re too narcissistic to see that 99% of the world is more freeform. 

Let's leave moderation to the psychopaths. The rest of us are looking out for the next party, like sloppy joes, reckless shopping, and chatting through church; all that fun stuff to get hyped up about.

Ace of Base

In middle school, my friends and I were in a world of trouble after we got caught prank-calling a girl we hung out with, someone who was a friend. Inspired by the Jerky Boys, we were ruthless, dropped every cuss word imaginable, and would get into arguments if someone started laughing and fucked up the call.

Naive and stupid, we even left our diabolical calls as messages for her entire family to listen to, and eventually play to our parents, who must have thought we were certifiable psychopaths.

As I wrote my eulogy, expecting my parents to come into my room with a machete and cardboard box for my remains, I was surprised when they only grounded me and made me write this girl a letter apologizing.

At that time, we lived on shock value. We entertained ourselves by singing made-up lyrics to popular songs. The one that stuck was, “I saw the dick, and I opened up my crotch. I saw the dick.” To Ace of Base’s eternal hit song, “I Saw the Sign.”

At that age, there’s some psychological component to hearing something blasphemous and laughing hysterically. That’s probably why my kids love watching any show made by Seth Macfarlane. Usually, I’m working and overhear some crazy shit on the TV and have to walk in and remind them, people don’t talk like this. These characters are meant to shock the hell out of you. They say the modern version of how we used to say, “No duh.”

You can’t ever be too careful. They’ll have their moments of reckoning, and I just hope it’s nothing on the level of Mel Gibson. I’ll have to be like Whoopi Goldberg, on the View, defending them, “You know what, sometimes people just say some unexplainable crazy shit, and we have to make them write an apology note, and move on.”

The other day I was in the gym, and when I got out of the shower two teenage girls were standing right next to my locker looking at the screen of one of their phones. I thought maybe I should move all my stuff so I could get dressed without these two breathing down my neck. I didn’t want to seem rude, so I tried to put my clothes on without falling.

As I stood there, butt exposed, they were still on their phone, and I had a moment of panic. What if these two take a video of my cellulite ass and post it on one of their high school invisible snap chat?

They likely sensed my crazed, paranoid energy and left. Or maybe they realized they shouldn’t stand around in a locker room with their phone out. Doubtful. But I could relax and sit to put my shoes on without worrying about falling over sideways and knocking myself out.

I bought my daughter a cell phone for Christmas. It’s a phone that restricts her from going online. I’m not denying her access to the culture, she spends plenty of time online and is sufficiently brainwashed to buy, buy, buy Sephora and loads of other stuff.

Last year Kiki had a phone from her dad, but he confiscated it after her stepmom read some text that said something about being despised. That wasn’t a nice thing to say, but I wouldn’t call it exceptionally mean. I could think of twenty brilliant insults right now that I won’t list because I’d hate to have to move to LA and become a full-time roast comic. Plus, I learned from my prank-calling mistake.

I don’t have any interest in reading my daughter’s text messages. It seems invasive and imposes another layer of self-censorship. Maybe if she were hanging out with wild kids or getting into trouble, but I don’t think it’s necessary for now. She tells me plenty of crazy stuff, I don’t need to look for more.

Kiki told me last month, if I got pregnant in high school, I think I’d have the baby and put it up for adoption. Then she added, “I’d want to make sure the baby was taken care of, so I think you’d have to adopt it, but we won’t do that weird thing where we tell the baby I’m its sister and you’re the mom.”

I took the elaborate hypothetical to remind her of the best way to prevent a high school pregnancy. She looked at me like, No duh. Then she told me she thought she was PMSing, and I said, “PMS is just a conspiracy to make women feel bad, like cellulite. You’re allowed to voice negative opinions without people blaming it on mental instability from the incoming crimson wave.”

Her reply was, “What’s cellulite?”

I felt like such an asshole and tried to rebury the word. Instead of saying, it’s a concept popularized in the 70s to make women hate their bodies and buy, buy, buy products that will make them have less shame for existing. I just said, “Oh never mind, it’s nothing.”

My kids were with their dad this Christmas, and I decided to stay with my parents. What a trip. I always come home thinking, "No wonder I have issues." I spent non-meal time in a bedroom watching Real Housewives. I am not exaggerating, I watched 30 hours of Real Housewives in three days.

When I got home yesterday, I was thoroughly brainwashed to buy Tide laundry detergent, Bounty paper towels, and Febreeze for small spaces. I called my sister to vent. Three days of moderate solitary confinement gave me a lot of things to think about, and I needed my sister to hear them. After she listened, she asked, “Are you going to start your period?”

Then she said, “I know I’m about to start mine because all I can think about are crunchy tacos and my bad attitude.”

It might not be something I can sing to Ace of Base, but it made me laugh.